i feel really pathetic writing here when i hardly post/write/support/ contribute on the forum... and to be honest i'm not even sure why that is... i have trouble being in 'groups', feeling like i belong, or even knowing who i am or if i have something to say. i am probably a little antisocial and (even) more distrustful of people in a 'group' than i would be one on one. its also harder for me to gauge what the 'right' response might be to several people, rather than just one, i think i tend to mould myself and my response into what the other might want to hear.... sorry for the long self involved explanation, my issues of not belonging have been even bigger lately, and at work especially where i feel like an outcast and hardly talk to anyone. its probably also this 5 week break from therapy that made me feel even more of a forgotten outcast...

i dont know what i wanted to say with this post.... i'm writing here because i told myself i cant email my T. i called a couple of times but i hung up of course. i do email ocasionally in between sessions but during breaks my T is not at all reliable in answering, she may be away or just not check her emails, and in the past its been excruciating having to wait like that. i also told myself i couldnt email because i thought i should get used to it, to not seeing her anymore, because i will be leaving in about a year (although this year keeps getting postponed and it never gets less than a year). i will be moving back home (different country), so it will really be a NEVER... i will never see her again... and i think its too terrifying to accept that.

yes, i do know i need to talk to her about this... but i suck at it... talking and trusting. i'm good at denial and hiding...

sorry for the self involved post.

puppet