Hi Affinity,

This is such a confusing issue to make sense of. I have been there and am often still there but it has changed over time.

I have had intense ET for my T over the past four years that I have been seeing him. At times it is very present and other times it recedes. My thought about your need to know his feelings, which I think is very "normal", is about wanting to feel special and to know that you matter to someone. A unique aspect of the therapy relationship is its one-sided nature. It is not meant to be about the therapist getting their needs met, nor is it about them telling us what we should think or feel, especially about ourselves. This doesn't mean they don't feel or think anything about us. The goal is to experience a healthy relationship so that we can eventually know that we do inherently matter and are special.

I think ET is very healthy, normal and surfaces when there is a need for attachment and if there is a good bond and connection between the patient and the therapist. I think it is also a very complicated and nuanced dynamic.

I am not particularly in agreement with the article posted. I feel as if this article, by focusing on sexual attraction as a defense mechanism, places it in the category of something to be done away with, as most defenses that are no longer serving us should be. While some patients may use this as a way to deflect from more painful feelings, I think it is also purposeful. In my opinion, AG's posts and numerous comments go a long way to explaining how ET can function. My experience is that it is about very infantile feelings and needs for love and attachment from care-givers but because we are adults they come through in an adult way.

I have found that while at first I found my feelings for my T embarrassing and humiliating, later, when I began to sense that I deserved to have needs met by my parents for love and affection and that I never got them met, I was suddenly able to speak freely about my feelings. I realized they are absolutely fundamental to human nature. I had to process a lot of fear and shame to come to this realization. Now I believe it is self-evident.

I agree with a previous poster that just because your father only abused you once doesn't minimize it's impact. I absolutely think you are on the right track with linking your perceived fear that your T might act on an attraction to you with your father.

As difficult as it is, when you feel you are able, it is good to talk about these things, which it sounds like you are doing.

Best,
DBS