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Reply to "Sexual Tension?"

Affinity,
I understand where you're coming from and think you're approach is just fine. But I wanted to comment on knowing or not knowing because I have been doing a lot of noodling on the topic of ET lately (for various reasons).

I have stated publicly, both here and on my blog, on numerous occasions that I have never picked up even a hint of my therapist having any reciprocal erotic/romantic feelings. But if he did, I am sure I wouldn't know because he is the most difficult person to read I have EVER known. He is very steady from session to session and I very rarely, if ever, even get a feel for how his life is going. (I found out years later that I was working with him when his father died. Never caught a hint.) My guess is that my T is a naturally reserved person about his own feelings so there is a natural reticence to add to his consciously keeping his feelings out of my therapy. I don't mean to depict him as a total blank slate or emotionless, he is very warm and accessible. I see him react to me. But he doesn't talk about how he is feeling unless it is therapeutically helpful to me and would be considered reasonable self-disclosure. I say all this to make it clear that I really am clueless as to his feelings about me in an erotic/romantic context (I am sure about other feelings such as love, care and respect because he has demonstrated them.) and recently in thinking through this topic, I have realized I like it that way. I am grateful it is an open question.

Cause here's the thing. I think it would be really painful to absolutely know that he felt no attraction for me. So while I don't believe he does, the hope that maybe something is there is still alive. And that allows a fantasy play space in which I can examine my reactions to being desired and wanted in that way.

OTOH, if I definitely knew he was attracted to me that way, it would scare the crap out of me for obvious reasons and I'm not sure how safe I would feel to explore these feelings. So its easy to feel safe when I need to because its easy to believe that there is nothing there.

This lack of knowledge allows me to flip back and forth, learning about myself in both situations so to speak. Don't get me wrong, my head has almost exploded from the desperate desire to KNOW his feelings, but after so long and exploring this topic so fruitfully I have come to see the utility of not knowing. It allows me to focus on my stuff. FWIW.

AG
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