I can't figure out why I do it when it is so self-destructive. BG, DF, how did you make the decision to stop the behavior- and stick with it? It strikes me as like it feels to be on a really strict diet, like fasting every day- for life! Why is it more than willpower? That is what I am talking about- I have this sense that something big needs to happen *inside* of me before I will be able to *ever* make a decision to do something good, make positive changes in my life, and stick with them. But I don't know what that *something* is...can I create it? Once in great awhile I wake up and feel like I'm just *not* in pain- for whatever reason, it lifts every once in great awhile...it's a strange unsettling feeling whenever it happens- lately it is extremely rare.I've had that all my life, since a small child. Occasional "good" days where I just feel like- "gosh if I could only live like *this* then everything would be ok. This must be what normal people feel like, and that's why they are able to accomplish so much." I used to *live for those days, just wait for them, and be so relieved when they happened, when I was younger. Lately I don't even *like* them anymore, because I know that they will go like a puff of smoke. But I think that if I could do whatever it was that created *that* then I would also be able to make a decision to stop drinking. Or- drinking wouldn't even be a problem in the first place.
Maybe my depression really is just a bio-chemical genetic thingy, despite what my T said- and there is no underlying psychological pain, and I am just making all that other "I've been hard done by" stuff up. this isn't like denial- I am *really* wondering if it's true. The only sibling in my family I was close to has rejected me for not subscribing to the "it's just genetic" thingy. I don't know what to believe anymore.