It's not like I don't know what other more positive ways to cope with psychological pain besides drinking are. I can think of a bunch. It's...actually finding the willpower to do them instead of drinking. It's like...not wanting to get better- but only managing to "want to want to" get better. I want to want to get better. Is there a way to get to the next level? I'm soooo sluggish. I feel so helpless.

Willpower...is something I do not seem to possess. Most of the time *I just don't care.* And that is source of all my problems. Any thoughts or ideas/tricks out there on how to strengthen one's *will?* Internal lethargy and existential malaise is literally destroying my life. What is the path towards *caring* about one's life and the way one leads it? How can I come to not just "want to want to" get better, but...actually *want* to get better? My T of two years could not help me with this, which made it feel all the more hopeless. He seemed to think the path was finding love. How do I find love? I loved him in my childish way, but of course it was unrequited love. I'm worse than ever because of it- it is very hard to need, and not receive what is needed from the source.

What are some things you do to become motivated? I'm talking not just about things you physically *do,* because those require, for me the motivation I do not possess- but also- things you do internally to come to a place of *desiring* to do good things for yourself or others...to get up and move around for heaven's sake. The only motivation I possess at present, to do *anything* is either *not* angering someone, or *pleasing* someone, gaining their approval. But that breaks down pretty quickly, I find- even those no longer give me enough steam to stick with things. It's...pretty extreme.

I feel so... limp.

BB