quote:

I really need my t and that is a horrible feeling to have as there are so many boundaries in place - it's those that hurt

My psychologist is very upfront with me at the moment. He says that he knows what he gives me (1 1/2 hr session each Friday morning and usually a one hour phonecall Tuesday) is not enough. In the sense what I actually genuinely need and want is a daddy figure who loves me deeply and is genuinely THERE for me loving me and feeling I am deeply precious. And he wishes he could find someone who would be there in that way for me. AT the same time he admits the pain of that loss, of not having what I want, he tries so hard to meet me in ways that can help. this week I have the funeral of my dearest friend (tomorrow) and worse I am conducting it. So my P said he would phone me each day this week. He has never offered that before. I think he believes that the pain brought up by having someone be caring, is such a deep pain/need/want that it is almost cruel, and so he does indeed try to alleviate it whilst reassuring me that my acknowledging and feeling it, means that I will eventually grow beyond it. I am just glad he is experienced and knows how to handle someone as presently emotionally needy as me. He does not panic whilst at the same time saying very kindly that he is very very concerned about me at the moment. Which makes me feel he is caring.

Of course I want him to be there for me always and forever and not just once a week, because I did not have that as a kid. AT least we can talk about it and I can cry with him about it. That is some consolation, painful though it is. I am sure you can talk with your T about it. Mine always says it is okay to feel what I feel and to tell her, for that is how I feel and it reveals where and how I was hurt, but that he cannot always meet my needs and wants but he can care as best as he is able. And he does. Maybe yours does too. Some T's go on vacation and you cannot get ANY contact at all, so she is being generous and kind and thoughtful. But you want her there MORE. Of course you do. I understand. Perfectly normal when you are hurting and want someone to care about you deeply.