quote:

Originally posted by incognito:
My T wants me to talk more about my feelings, how blaming myself affects my life, where and when does it hurt. He says that being heard when I talk about my pain will do something but I don't see how it can. I feel so disgusting when I just start to talk about how I feel it seems so some horrible torture to try and continue. I just want to stop feeling the way I do, I don't want to have to describe it to someone else.

I understand these feelings; been there, done that, got a wardrobe full of t-shirts, about to go on a shopping spree again, etc.

The way I understand it, and I'm not saying that I particularly do or can when it's me () is that these are parts of ourselves that we find so horrible, so shameful, that we cannot tolerate them. They come from a place of real pain.

What I wrote recently in my journal:

"I feel calmer again. Like maybe because I saw you tolerating me it means I can tolerate myself a little more."

I have been feeling really terrible recently. Real trauma responses. And yet, she still sits there and bears it with me (sometimes for me). I think having someone see it and not berate us like we do ourselves, just accepting it (and sometimes challenging it), can help us to internalise that, can help us to tolerate it ourselves and show ourselves the same care and compassion that they show us. It is painful, horribly so. But I think that's how it helps, because hearing it is accepting it and not judging it, and bearing witness to it when we can't because we are clouded by shame and rage and judgement towards ourselves.

Hope that makes some sense.