Just wanting to know if anyone can relate to this.
*** TW *** talks about emotional abuse and physical abuse
Something my Pdoc said today in our session that was meant to reassure me, triggered the hell out if me. Thank god it was her that said it, not my T (my T isn't quite so blunt or ... Forward I think).
My pdoc was trying to explain that there wasn't anything I could ever do that would 'demolish' or 'destroy' either her or my T.... I had to get her to explain what she meant quite a few times as it was so emotionally triggering and the emotional part of me could only see it as an incredibly bad, awful thing. she didn't mean I was seeking to destroy them or trying to be manipulative in any way ... She was meaning they were both 'strong' and could handle anything I told them. But I think (??) the way she put it wasn't the most sensitive... I don't want to write more as it was quite upsetting but I think that is what she was trying to say.
Anyway - I had a lightbulb moment as to why this really really upset something deep inside of me...
Firstly, it freaks the hell out of me when people 'care' or express 'concern' for me - it terrifies me they they will engulf me - emotional rape me like my mother did - I was so engulfed by her growing up that I had no idea where she ended and I started and vice versa. Her sudden death (that I witnessed) when I was 10 didn't even sever the engulfment.
But on the other hand, I realised I am just as terrified that I will have NO emotional impact on others - ie, that someone I care about (like my T) can never ever be 'impacted' by ANYTHING I ever say or do... that she is that protected by the boundaries she puts up, I can never ever 'get through' emotionally - which in my experience means I WILL be abandoned and it will almost destroy me.
The example I gave my pdoc was this:
As a punishment my mother put me in my bedroom cupboard and shut the door on me. I was terrified of the dark and scared of small spaces. I was about 6 or 7 I think (it happened more than once is is just one of those times). I was crying, and yelling out 'I can't breathe!! I can't breathe!' I remember being terrified I was going to die. My mum just held the door shut with her foot and I gored my pleas
.Then she opened the door, having felt bad, apologised, hugged me (while I was as stuff as a board) and said she was so sorry, she didn't mean it..... "That's ok" I said - like a robot. Inside I felt so awful, I didn't think it was ok, I just knew I had to say it was, least it make her sadder - or angrier and put me back in there
.What it means is that growing up, I had no idea if / when my mother was going to advance towards me and hurt me physically or be overwhelmed emotionally. If she felt bad / needed emotional support and care it was my job to do it for her. She took from me, leaving me depleted, alone and as long as it made her feel better, how it affected me didn't matter at all
.And then the opposite - when I really realy NEEDED her to HEAR me and BE THERE for me - no matter how emotionally upset or affected I was, no matter how much I screamed out for her help or love, she was the one to decide if and when I received love or care.
I was not able to impact her in any way.
And that is why it scares and triggers me so much when my T might express 'care' or comes too close to me emotionally. But I'm just as scared of the polar opposite - what if I am emotionally devastated and she abandons me like my mother did? That there will be NOTHING I can say or do to try to 'get' her to care when I need her too.
can anyone else relate to this AT ALL?
Sorry it's so long, I'm still trying to articulate it properly.