So back to answering you.
First, thank you all for your answers and validation. It matters HUGELY. Any time I talk about that with my mother (or topics like control/feeling safe in general) she massively invalidates my feelings and basically tells me that whatever I feel is just cowardice/laziness that has to be forced out of me against my will. And yeah, she's my mum, so I keep somehow believing her! So... really, thank you for sharing your experiences, it was very helpful.
Second, update on the situation, because I feel that the individual answers will be clearer with the update, but feel free to skip it. I met the stand in T three times in total, last time this morning, and I told her it was the last time (it was not a surprise, I had indicated from the beginning that I may not have time to come the last week of August). The thing is, and that was an interesting experiment, those sessions triggered a lot of... memories/feelings/transference (as in "feelings that actually relate to a completely different person") about my Childhood therapy. I had dreams (I mean nightmares) where the two therapists were interchangeable. I am very aware that this is not something that the stand in T "deserved". She just stepped on some traps that had lied dormant until now, because my Actual Therapist is 1) not the controlling type, 2)the best (... )
I feel I need to say some more about my childhood therapist: she was sometimes vastly ... misguided. Especially during the last 5 years (that's still a lot). But she did help me a lot before that (actually saved my life), and while I do not actually remember it, it still happened. So... I think I should have stopped seeing her much earlier, before it became "potentially hurtful", but she also helped. Anyway, I just felt that it was a bit unfair to not mention that.
I brought up again the clock in the session 2, and she actually said that if I could not bear the current situation, I could look at the clock. I am proud, so of course I said I did not need it. Also, I actually don't need it. I find it useful and reassuring, but not necessary. Which led me to realise (Session 3) that what really upsets me about it is not the actual clock (indeed, if I really want the time, I can get a watch or my phone), but the fact that she would want me to not look at it and rely on her. This is basically my problem: why does she want that? I asked, and she re-explained that it got the patient (France.... people are not clients, they are patients) to let go and, again, rely on her.
I am at least satisfied she explained her reasoning (again, CT would never answer any of my questions, because anyway "that's all my projections", and... yes, it totally feels like mind games to me. And it is also very invalidating), but not actually satisfied with her reasoning, which, to me, basically asks me to not have control over my time in my session.
During the session 2, she also tried to get me to not intellectualize, by changing topics every time I stopped 'experiencing physical things' (cold, etc.) I feel I am being very unfair because, ... obviously therapy has to challenge me, right? The thing is... I am fine with intellectualizing. Which leads me back to the question of control: my ultimate "demand" is that I define what I want in therapy. I mean, what I consider to be the goal. A lot of my fear is that... therapists define one "well-being" and just try to get you to fit in it. My CT had defined it as "heterosexual, sexualized, accepting that she (me) used her brain to avoid feeling she was not a boy". This T (and I am making assumptions) obviously thought that intellectualizing was "not a good thing", like my CT had done (and.... I swear, I have friends, and I do enjoy intellectualizing and do not want to change it per se. And use it as a defence when required. And sometimes don't control it. But ... that's what defences do?)
So... who defines what "health/good" is? Because that's somehow the ultimate control, I feel. If you say "the therapist", somehow, it does justify quite any means and forcing health onto you. And how could "a sick person" define "healthy/good"? But then, how different is that from blindly trusting some random stranger? (I am guessing that the point of the therapeutic alliance is to admit you have the same goals and to trust the therapist to help you get there). But then, I feel I am being paranoid and resistant...
Sorry, that was a very long update, I'll try to edit it to shorten it.
Liese: Thank you a lot for your answer. I think that a lot of it also came from doing Very Short Therapy, and she may have tried to rush a bit... and therefore skip the slow learning to trust process which would have made those admittedly small things (disturbing, but factually small) into bigger things, especially since it also triggered bad memories. On the other hand, at the very beginning, my AT (Actual Therapist), only had one clock, that she would see. But when asked about it, she simply offered to move it, but explained that she needed to see it for obvious practical reasons/asked me what it evoked.... and it felt okay (not convenient, but not a control thing trying to "trick" me into a "state of depending on her").
Dazed & Confused: Thank you! And welcome here! And yeah, I am doing a lot of "trying to get over the previous therapy"!
erica: Thanks! And I explained, and still... said no to moving the clock, because sometimes I am stupidly stubborn, and because, even more that the feeling of not being in control, I disliked the reasoning that justified it, that it was for my own good.
Also I am very interested in thttp://psychcafe.ca/groupee_common/ver1.3.7.2147483647/platform_images/blank.gifhe use of the words
I read them. My actual current T uses them. But I had never heard them before about therapy. Since then, I rarely ever saw them used in the context of French therapy. So I am wondering whether that's just random (after all, I did not study psychology) or that it is something cultural (but then, where do I fit? and why do I want something that is not my culture?)quote:warm, or safe therapy.
Smilingpenguin: thank you for your replies! And I admire you for relearning English (switching languages is obviously the easy way), I tried, for the past 3 weeks, and... that was an interesting challenge.
quote:seeing someone willing to talk about power and autonomy and minimising power gaps is incredibly important
Thanks for saying that. I needed to hear it (*baby About* my mum says it's baaaad, the power gap should be felt as painfully as possible).
stoppers: Thanks. But I am ... playing power games. I do not just want to see the time. I want to have therapy accepting my wanting of the clock? *I am secretly evil*
effed:
quote:and it would definitely play into my own fears of being controlled and manipulated.
Me too! Thanks for answering.
And you have an interesting point with the fact that I am giving her that power by not bringing my own watch, I had not looked at it that way. I guess that I would also feel uncomfortable for bringing my "own time" while clearly said I was to rely on her, because... she does has some power (she's the therapist) + I feel it would not solve the underlying issue, rather avoid it?
Mallard: Thanks! And thanks for expressing very exactly and clearly how I felt, in a muchhhh more concise way. It helps to think more clearly!
Elsewhere: I'm glad you could recognize some stuff! (and yay to all the non-English speakers using English in such a weird, interesting and under-studied way (I wish I could read academic stuff about doing therapy/talking about therapy in another language and how that works!)
Thanks to all... sorry for my belated and very long answer!