Thank you all for your replies. I will detail a bit later, I am quite down and don't feel I can think properly.

Smilingpenguin: just answering the language question, because I had given it quite a lot of thoughts. Yes, the stand in T is French (that's my country). It is a challenge, I had chosen to see an English-speaking T in Canada while I could have found a French-speaking one quite easily. But it is actually a reverse difficulty: I am so very well "protected" in French, the words are just an act, I can tell lies so easily, I can tell stories. The words feel meaningless in French, because I made them so, I learned what I was supposed to say in French and I physically can't say anything about "real feelings". My French is "dissociated": I don't feel anything in French. I used to, but I have not been able to for years. I guess it used to be painful, so I detached from it. When I talk I feel exactly as if I was just using words from a play, but nothing real. Everything feels like lies in French. I guess some people may feel the same and not have the chance of using another, new, language? I protected myself so well from my feelings in French that I have no idea how to even talk about them. It's almost as if they were gone. I am not sure I am making any sense here? Do you get what I mean?