Hi, and once more, sorry to post so much.

I was wondering how you balanced challenge and control in your therapy?

By "control", I guess I mean "control of what is safe to talk about and how to talk about it".

Maybe explaining what brought me to this question:
A few days ago, I met the back up T for the first time. We talked. There was no clock I could see. I asked about it, her answer was that there was a clock she could see, and I was to rely on her, she would warn me 5 min before the end. My usual therapist added a second clock after several clients expressed they would like to see how much time they still had.

I have to say I love that. I love being able to decide whether I still have enough time before broaching a big topic, or on the contrary choose something lighter because I know it is the end. It makes me feel... safer? I am not taken by surprise.

When the back up T explained about the clock, I felt uncomfortable and like it reminded me of something: during the ... last 4-5 years of my childhood therapy, of course there was no clock, but also, if I broached an "easy" or "not healthy" topic, or in a way that was not approved (anything like organizing my speech, or mentioning intellect, because the theory was that "I relied too much on my intellect, and should therefore not be allowed to do so)... I as either given the silent treatment for the rest of the session, or kicked out, even if I had been there only for 5 min.
My, young, understanding of this was that I was punished for doing something wrong.
My mother insists that it is logical behavioural strategy: to train a dog or a kid to not do something, you create a painful consequence. You are the sick person, the therapist knows what's good for you, and will "train you" to do it.

During my current therapy, it took me, well, 2 years to feel that maybe, I could be allowed to broached topics that I think are important, or that I can use means to feel safer/more in control (like writing), because I was so sure it was wrong to try to feel safe/reassured/in control. Having this sense of safety/control, until now, rather helped me letting go of some of my intellectualizing, because it was not needed anymore as a protection and it could become a tool rather than a hiding place... but... that's just my theory. And I must admit I love feeling that I am not a broken thing that must be fixed against my will.

So.... does that make sense?
Do you think that the sense of control I "like" should be avoided?