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Reply to "co-dependency"

(((liese))) Dr. Elkind sounds amazing, it's too bad she doesn't do long term work. I have a similar FOO that wouldn't even acknowledge emotions, much less speak of them. I can't imagine how much I would need to discuss about a 6 1/2yr T relationship. I often feel like such a wimp b/c I only saw exT for about 6 mo. (but other times I think that speaks to how damaging he was to inflict as much pain as he did in such a short time)

I am very glad you are no longer with your old T. It is terrible to find yourself in a reenactment with the person who should be helping you heal. I think my exT was a huge reenactment, and worse T2's need to "make sense" of exT was all too familiar to my mom's need to understand my dad's abuse and make excuses.

I also think it is difficult enough to feel ashamed of having intense emotions, so to have any T add to that shame by making you feel like not all emotions are ok, is really hurtful.

With codependency... I feel like it is sort of complicated for me. Because I have the traits of a codependent person, but not in ALL relationships. I feel like I've developed healthy, interdependent? relationships. My H for instance, is a healthy, non abusive person. (still not sure how I managed to break that cycle, because I'm so attracted to abusive males) So anyway, I DO have relationships where I would not consider myself to totally behave in a codependent way...

But as you said, as humans we are inherently social beings and really, spend our whole lives negotiating for our needs in one way or another with those around us. Finding a way to do that that respects both parties involved is the important thing to learn, and coming from an abusive FOO, it is a difficult balance to find.

You do have good advice, for me to make it known to new T that I need to stay with the subject of exT until I've found resolution, because as far as my mind is concerned, it seems to be a high priority to tend to.

(((mallard)))
I agree that feelings repeatedly coming up are important to tend to. I seem to have a hard time figuring out if the fact that so much of my sessions with exT being stuck in my mind everyday, is a symptom of being traumatized by our relationship, or if it's signaling unmet needs, esp from the past? Or both?

I do feel really obsessive, because the same thoughts and memories of him have not left my mind for a moment since I left him. It's the most exhausting feeling, because I've not experienced those sorts of intrusive thoughts since my original abuse. It never lets up. Everything reminds me of him, everything triggers thoughts of my sessions with him.

I also think that deep down, part of me is relieved that new T hasn't focused on our relationship at all, since exT and T2 were very personal and intense interactions, it's like working with someone distant feels safe. But I know it won't be good long term. She did tell me that her goal is to make me completely independent, and I'm fearing that will eventually mean I will have to find someone who is willing to have any sort of connection again.

I feel like I won't be satisfied or feel resolved enough about exT until my intrusive thoughts about him have dramatically lessened. As they are it is unbearable. I do the exact same thing as you, I try to appear like "I've got it all together" when in reality I'm melting into the floor. It's so difficult to turn those self protective reflexes off.

But when it comes down to it, I know I'll eventually have to let T know that I need A LOT of time on the subject of exT, and if she's not comfortable with that, I'll *loonnng sigh* have to find someone that is.

's to you both
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