As far as the codependency stuff is concerned, I am not a fan of the concept either. I found it helpful in that it gave me a framework of an other doing a dance with me as opposed to me just doing the dance all by myself and being the only sick one.

It seems to me that if we weren't codependent, then we wouldn't be dependent on anyone else to meet any of our needs. We would be able to take care of our emotional needs, our social needs, our needs for security, our financial needs, and so on. There may be some super people out there who can do all those things for themselves but I am not one of them.

I guess the dysfunctional thing about codependency is that the other is abusive or takes advantage of us in order to meet needs of their own? We may accept the abuse because they meet a need of ours that we can't meet on our own.

However, I don't necessarily see it as being addicted to feelings of being in love and pain in any kind of intentional way or in a way that I have much control over. I am SO incredibly happy to be out of the painful relationship I had with my Old therapist. It is such a relief. What kept me there was my belief that he knew better than me, that he was the healthy one and I was the sick one, that he was the successful one and I the failure, etc. etc. He shared that view as well which was a reenactment of my FOO. I have to keep hammering into my brain that he very much contributed to the dance of the relationship - just as your ex therapist did.

Understanding emotional needs - actually all our needs - separating them from wants and learning how to get them met is such a complicated process. If you did not grow up in a family that was sophisticated in that regard and did not teach you how to sort out your needs from someone else's and vice versa, how is it that suddenly it's a disorder? Maybe it's just that we are gaining more insight into emotions and the brain, etc., and we understand now why people live in pain.

But to cast any kind of responsbility or blame on anyone for something so complicated seems incredibly … codependent. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. It IS a very judgmental way to look at it. We can be happier when we are treated with respect and love and learn to treat ourselves that same way. We don't choose a life of pain.

I've been reading The Neuroscience of Human Relationships by Louis Cozolino. Most of it is way over my head but some of what he writes I understand and touches me deeply. Here is something that really hit it home for me:

"It was not until the children were held, rocked, and allowed to interact with one another that their survival rate improved … Scientists have had to expand their thinking to grasp this idea. The individual neuron or a single human brain does not exist in nature. Without mutually stimulating interactions, people and neurons wither and die. In neurons this process is called apoptosis; in humans it is called depression, grief, and suicide. From birth until death, each of us needs others who seek us out, show interest in discovering who we are, and help us feel safe. Thus, understanding the brain requires knowledge of the healthy, living brain embedded within a community of other brains: Relationships are our natural habitat. "