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Reply to "co-dependency"

(((AH)))

When I was in the process of leaving my Old T, I consulted with Dr. Sue Elkind - whose expertise is exactly in this area. She had gone through difficult therpapeutic endings and wanted to understand them. She helps others struggling with the same or similar issues.

In any event, every time I brought up something else about my Old T, I expected her to get bored or tired of it or tell me I was obsessing and was stuck. I asked her outright about it and she told me that she didn't think any of those things. She thought that I was in the process of separating from my Old T and working through different pieces of it and that it would go on for some time.

Wow, I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear that.

I had also been seeing my current T as an adjunct T at the same time but didn't want to involve her in my relationship with my Old T so never told her about my consult with Dr. Elkind until recently. However, since I left my Old T, my current T seemed to discourage me from talking about him.

I was upset about this because Dr. Elkind had been so accepting of my need to process the relationship AND there were many things I couldn't talk about in my FOO. I didn't like the fact that my current T wasn't as accepting of all my feelings. I brought it up to her. She said that she was discouraging me because she didn't think it was healthy - in direct contrast to what Dr. Elkind said.

I felt strongly, though, that it was MY therapy and I should be able to talk about whatever it is I want to talk about. I had seen my T for 6 1/2 years and couldn't understand how she would expect me to move on so quickly from a relationship that was so important and intense. My guess is that she was jealous, that she wanted me to focus on her as my main attachment figure.

In any event, since I questioned her about it - (and also told her I didn't like being told I was being obsessive, that I knew I was obsessive and had been told that as a child by my parents, that I found it to have very negative connotations. I also thought it was part of the package that came with the preoccupied attachment and once those issues were resolved, the obsessiveness would resolve)
- she has now backed off and told me that all my feelings are welcome in the room. Quite honestly, I would rather Dr. Elkind be my therapist because she was genuinely accepting of my feelings, had gone through something similar and also understood them, but she only works with people short-term when they are having trouble with their therapist helping them to resolve it or move on and find a new therapist.

Sorry to go on so long about it. Just wanted to share my experience in the hopes that it might embolden you to speak directly to your New T about it.
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