TN and Jill...I will have to ask our couples T this Thursday if there is a diagram for the "protest, despair, and detachment" that he talked about. It turns out I was wrong to say that "all" of that was on a different diagram. I found the other diagram, which is a modified Circle of Security that shows how we develop alternate patterns to stay safe when either part of the circle feels uncomfortable for us (more below). But the protest, despair and detachment are not on there. I think he was making the connection for me in particular...kind of expanding on my pattern of that circle, which is the bottom half (uncomfortable returning to the parent), because I had described feeling "angry" so much of the time in response to my husband's perceived avoidance of me. He just completed a three-week course in infant attachment and I think that might be where that came from.

The modified Circle of Security is on page 5 of the following paper:

The Circle of Security project

The modified Circle of Security diagram shows what happens when either part of the circle is disrupted - when it is uncomfortable for us to leave our secure base (due to overprotective parenting, for example) or return to our safe haven (due to neglectful parenting, for example). It shows how we develop alternate patterns to stay safe...but the same pattern also prevents us from getting what we need, even when the situation changes and we could get what we need...it's like we don't even see the new opportunity, because the pattern to protect ourselves is so ingrained in us.

The paper also explains disorganized attachment, but I'm pretty sure that was too complex to show on the diagram.

I promise to get back to you on what he said about protest/despair/detachment!

SG