Finally a moment to pull my thoughts together. Thank you Liese, BLT, Starfishy, Eliza and Affinity for all the thought provoking comments and suggestions.

I did see my T today but first I just want to mention that some of you may see T's with home offices or with spouses in the office. In my case I was badly hurt by an oldT's spouse and his violating my privacy by having his wife fill out my treatment plans, which she could never have done without knowing the intimate details of what I shared with my oldT. She was also rude and condescending to me on more than once occasion. I also specifically chose a T without a spouse who was a T or with a spouse in the office. Then one day wife shows up in the office next to my T. With my history of violations and abuse by women in authority I was VERY triggered by her presence there without any warning. Some of you may not have these issues or experiences and so a spouse around the office would not be a trigger. For me it triggers traumatic responses.

Okay so my session today. I went in determined to be much more open and honest with T. When I got there he was waiting. I was a few minutes later than usual and he seemed a bit concerned about that. I was just have a very hectic day at work. Before he could begin I told him that I needed his help to get my therapy back on track and to help me save it because it was going nowhere fast. He nodded and agreed to that. He asked me if I knew why we were stalled. I told him that I haven't been telling him what was troubling me and that although I was really scared I needed to tell him that I have been very angry with him. He didn't look surprised.

He asked me if I any ideas as to why I had this anger and I took a deep breath and told him I was angry because he knew my background and how wounded I was by oldT's wife and how blindsided I was by his having his wife move in and how I feel that it has contaminated my therapy with him. I told him that it would have been better if had given me some warning and not allowed me to discover this on my own.

Then I launched into saying that he doesn't have pictures in his office so therapy is not contaminated but mine already is. I get to see the live moving pictures not photos. he just said "I know". I then asked him if he would have a tank of snakes at his office door, knowing a client was terrified of snakes and then just tell the client... "oh they won't hurt you, they are harmless and they are nice." Well, he is requiring me to walk past that tank each time I go to his office. And he just tells me the snakes are "nice" and we never process the feelings.

He listened to me and was very non-defensive. He asked me if I knew why I was so scared and what the triggers were. I told him he already knew some of them.

In between talking I kept stopping and telling him I needed to stop talking and to take "a break". He asked me why and I told him that I needed to calm down and get my thoughts in order. I did this twice. I got myself so overwrought I felt like my brain was freezing up.

He then told me that if I was afraid of comparisons with the person in the other office that was not happening. He said there was no reason because it's two different situations and he was sad that I couldn't accept how important I was to him and how much he cared about me and respected me. He said that while the circumstances may not change, my reaction to those circumstances would change and what would help that is our attachment to each other. He said I keep rejecting it and pushing him away when if I kept him with me then I would not have those reactions and fears. I just shook my head NO. I told him I cannot imagine that and he may as well be speaking Chinese. He smiled at me.

Some of this got fuzzy because I was so activated and I couldn't take it all in and I was talking so fast.

I told him that he may not think I know a lot of stuff about him but I notice everything and that all of this put together tells me about him and what he values. So he said what does he value? I said (and this was so HARD), who you chose as a partner tells me what you value and none of that is anything like me and in fact is all the opposite of me. So how can I take in all the good you tell me about me when I look at that thin wall that separates me from your real life and I know what you value is not who I am!

Then I sort of when on a spiel about how much of a nothing I am and how I have never had any advantages or support and that he lives in a different world than I do and came from a different background and I've had to fight for everything and that I don't get sprinkled with fairy dust like the people he associates with. And yes, I knew I was projecting but I was angry and I didn't care.

He said to me that he has great respect for me and what I have accomplished despite the obstacles I had to face and where I come from makes me that much more impressive for what I have accomplished. And how he has wealthy clients who are way LESS impressive than I am. Then he said that I have such a good, caring heart. And that pretty much undid me. I told him I don't even have a heart. He said he knows that is not true.

He told me that he wants to me try to let him in. To take in what he is offering me. I told him I don't know what that is and I can't. He said I would have to risk it but that it would be so rewarding and feel so good if I could take in the care, respect and unconditional love that he has for me. If I could just see me the way he sees me. And he said "wouldn't it be nice to just say that you can't wait to see me next time when you leave, because that is often how I feel about you when you leave here." Wow.

When the conversation moved to my belief that he could not understand my feelings because he came from a different world he told me that he wants to take me into his world. He said I've been surrounded by damaged and unhealthy people for so long that I don't understand people like HIM. And we talked about oldT and how he was so unhealthy and how I didn't realize it at the time. And he told me that I don't know the obstacles he has had to deal with in his life. So I said, that is the problem. I don't know so I can't believe you could understand me and where I come from and even if you had hurdles you have been able to conquer them and have a career and you have worked hard to move yourself into a good place where you have control over your life and your work and you can pick and choose who you work with. I have worked longer than you and I am going backwards and you don't seem to understand how that is killing me. He said that he is awed by how hard I work and how I can go there and work under such conditions as I do.

Towards the end I told him that I know where a lot of this angst is coming from. Some from oldT, some from my parents, but in the end there was something that I missed out on as a child and that was to be the special one, the center of the universe to my attachment figures and I missed that and I can't go back and get it. I will never have that experience. And he looked at me and said "how do you know?" I said that I know I can't have that now. I'm not two any longer and that has passed me by. He asked me how do I know what I can have? That stopped me to think about it.

Towards the end of the session he said he wanted to ask me some questions that I will not like. Oh boy. So he asked me what I thought he felt about me. I hedged and waffled and would not really tell him. I threw out some thoughts and he laughed at them. He smiled and then asked what I feel for him. I said let me think a minute. Then he told me "don't think... just FEEL". I told him he's nice and very intelligent. He got a kick out of that. He said that he knows how I feel. That he feels the warmth and affection I have for him and it's not a secret. He knows.

It was the end of the session and he told me that I did more work today than I have in a long time and he was very proud and pleased and that he wanted to see continuity with this and not that we stop and get distracted by other stuff.

He told me to have a good few days and that he would look forward to seeing me on Thursday. We shook hands and he patted my arm. I smiled at him and told him that I can't wait to see him on Thursday. He chuckled and said "very good".

then I left. I'm feeling pretty good about the work we did today and I'm trying to entertain the idea that he really does have unconditional love for me and that I am important to him. He said that our relationship has been very "hard won" and we worked hard and we made it happen. He said it does not always happen like that and when it does, it's wonderful.

Right now I think he's pretty wonderful. I hope it lasts.

TN