TN, you commented that this situation with your T is destroying your therapy, but I . disagree. I think it's actually an integral part of your therapy - something critical you were meant to work through. I have realized that about the erotic transference in my own therapy. Sometimes it has felt like a huge obstacle to the work, but then I remember that I'd probably have the same issue no matter whom I chose to work with.

It's easy to think that if his wife wasn't there, everything would be fine for you. But I think at some point, something else would come up to make you feel threatened and unimportant. The real issue, as you stated before, is that you don't have #1 priority status with anyone, and that childhood loss is hard to accept.

I know I feel like an idiot every time I have to bring up ET to my T. But it's the only way through. I think the same is true in your situation. Bring up the wife issue as many times as you need to. And own the fact that these are your feelings and that you need to work through them. If you make it about yourself rather than your T or his wife, you'll reduce the tension with your T.