quote:

Originally posted by Jones:

TN, I think it *will* take time and repeated attempts with him to approach, trust, approach, trust, approach on this issue. That makes sense, and should be expected, because the situation is pressing on a powerful trauma site. But you have some great starting points, one being the very solid relationship you've built so far through multiple breaches and repairs. And another is this amazing, astonishing quote above - his word that if he had known how to look after you better in this situation, he would have. Take your courage in hand and keep going. He is worth it, you are worth it, and your relationship is worth it.


The reason I'd recommend caution in the speculation about this is that it's a prime place for our unconscious fantasies/projections to take hold. It can feel kind of addictively soothing to do this kind of speculation, because it draws our attention away from the isolation of our own pain and its history and responsibilities (e.g. if I imagine someone hurts me because of their own trauma, that can distract me from the painful responsibility to say specifically what is hurting me and why in a relationship).

These speculations can also be a place where we really re-injure ourselves (as in the 'she's better than me/worse than me/therefore she hates me/that's why I feel pain' kind of thinking).

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it's not too much of a hijack. TN, I just want to say again the pain is real and deserves great tenderness. I trust you will get to a place where you can fully share it with your T.