Totally agree with you about the difficulty and fears involved in talking about this. There's good evidence, though, that TN's T *can* talk about this without getting defensive (see quote above) - though perhaps he hasn't always. Which doesn't necessarily take the fear away.
quote:We also know bringing up that it's a personal subject might be a boundary violation of sorts. It sucks to be in that position.
I think this is another of the reasons it's so important to be clear about what is speculation and fantasy, and what is our own verifiable experience. Because if we try to understand and correct the problem in the T's world, instead of our own, that could quite possibly lead to overstepping boundaries. An over-the-top example (which I know, TN, that you're not going to do) would be telling T that there is something unhealthy in his relationship and that he therefore needs to ask his wife to move out of the office.
By staying close to our own feelings and experience, and doing a lot of internal fact-checking there, and fact-checking of the shared material in the relationship, we can be on much safer ground and be sure of respecting all boundaries.