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The only validation I got once a few weeks ago was when T said that if he knew how much this would have affected me he would have told me she was coming. I think I was so shocked to hear this that I could not even respond and just let the remark pass.

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Jones, if I could just convince myself that I have a right to talk about my own personal feeling in relation to his wife being a trigger to emotional flashbacks I would. I would love to get past this because it's frankly destroying my therapy.

TN, I think it *will* take time and repeated attempts with him to approach, trust, approach, trust, approach on this issue. That makes sense, and should be expected, because the situation is pressing on a powerful trauma site. But you have some great starting points, one being the very solid relationship you've built so far through multiple breaches and repairs. And another is this amazing, astonishing quote above - his word that if he had known how to look after you better in this situation, he would have. Take your courage in hand and keep going. He is worth it, you are worth it, and your relationship is worth it.

Liese (and TN), I think this question about what might be going on for him in this, and speculation on that, is worth being wary of (though it's totally natural to do that). It seems to me that there are three sites breakdown/reenactment can happen. In the T, in the client, and in the relationship. We know that this is a traumatic area for TN, it's definitely happening in her. We know it's in the relationship, too - no question there are two parts to it and they are both having an effect on the dynamic. (In fact, my T says it is always in the relationship, and whenever I feel something 'off', it's always somehow happening in both of us). *But* what exactly is happening in T is the thing we have the least information about, at least until a full conversation happens.

The reason I'd recommend caution in the speculation about this is that it's a prime place for our unconscious fantasies/projections to take hold. It can feel kind of addictively soothing to do this kind of speculation, because it draws our attention away from the isolation of our own pain and its history and responsibilities (e.g. if I imagine someone hurts me because of their own trauma, that can distract me from the painful responsibility to say specifically what is hurting me and why in a relationship).

These speculations can also be a place where we really re-injure ourselves (as in the 'she's better than me/worse than me/therefore she hates me/that's why I feel pain' kind of thinking).

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it's not too much of a hijack. TN, I just want to say again the pain is real and deserves great tenderness. I trust you will get to a place where you can fully share it with your T.