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13 replies

why is it so hard to leave my T?

ghostgirlghostgirlMember
I am so sorry to be emoting here. I am so tired of listening to my own thoughts and emotions that I hate even putting them out there and exposing others to my drama.

I don't want to leave my T, but ever so slowly it is sinking in that I have to leave her. My needs for warmth and genuineness and feeling understood and accepted just are not being met. I don't know how to disconnect. I wrote her a letter last night to give to her when she gets back. I was going to give it to her, but after re-reading it I figured it would be best just not to bother. She does not care about my feelings or how difficult it is for me to manage and I am not going to put my feelings out there to be dismissed again. I have actually thought the gap during her vacation would be the perfect opportunity to not return to my scheduled appt. The physical separation of her being gone and just not returning seems like it would be a good time to just not return.

As a child my mom didn't acknowledge me or find me suitable enough to care about. As an adult, the last year of her life I decided she was not "suitable" enough as a parent and just disappeared from her life. It was the first time in any relationship that I said enough is enough and just walked away. It didn't make me feel any better or give me a sense of empowerment for standing up for myself and taking control. It just made me sad, but when she died I was relieved. I need to do the same thing with T. I am realizing it is time to say good-bye. I have to start letting my heart let go. I am feeling so sad as this true realization is taking hold. I am so sad that I never had or will have the opportunity to feel heard, loved and valued, and respected by this T because I really like her. I just don't like how she ignores me and my feelings. It hurts terribly.

sometimes I think the best way I can demonstrate to T that I really do appreciate her is to just leave therapy and remove myself from her practice. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore and it seems like just my very existence is damaging. So freaking sad. I CAN'T stand it!
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sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
(((ghos girl)))

I was invisable to my mother and wasn't ever good enough. I walked away from that relationship - and like you it doesn't make me feel empowered, just very sad.

When we find others in our lives (can be a friend, partner, a T etc) that reinact that senario it is so easy to try fix things and hold on in there, waiting almost for 'mommy' to decide to love us. Maybe there is a bit of that in your T relationship?

Even without any of that, leave a T relationship is so very hard. You have invested time, maybe money, trust, hope and work into that relationship. You have given him or her parts of yourself that you haven't maybe shared with any other person. To leave is hugely painful (even when the reason is a good one to stop). So, please be very very gentle with yourself, do what you can and try to be patient with those hard feelings that come up.

This is a safe place to think out loud, have your feelings and to be heard, and very much understood.

ghostgirlghostgirlMember
TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SELF-HARM

I cannot bring myself to walk away and this "NO SELF-HARM" contract I have with her is in itself being a trigger right now because I know the conditions of therapy are that she will not terminate care unless I injure myself. If I injure myself I know the outcome will be that she will leave and I won't have to do it. She is coming back on Monday and the urge is just getting stronger and stronger as Monday approaches. If I hurt myself all I have to do is text her and tell her I broke my contract and it will be done.
sapphire-bluesapphire-blueMember
((((gg))))

You are hurting enough already... please don't hurt you any more. I can understand your thinking, but this isn't the best way to sort out the counselling - by 'making' her leave you. Personally I don't think much of such contracts - it means her 'care' is conditional... 'I'll love you if... ' I don't know a lot about it, but I can't help feel that it is manipulative of the therapist and another power dynamic that isn't helpful.


Hearing you though gg. Really am hearing you.

sb
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
SB,

I worry that my perceptions of T and her responses are inaccurate and that I must trust her perceptions as reality. She says she is a warm person. That she demonstrates her warmth and caring in ways that I am not accustomed to (her example was seeing me pro bono for four months because I had a gap in my insurance). I don't know if I can trust my own perceptions and my own feelings. I don't know if my desire to flee is built on evidence or my own emotional and cognitive misperceptions. I go through responses to my texts and re-run parts of conversation in my head and I think I am not incorrect in feeling unvalidated, acknowledged and cared about. I don't know I am so confused.
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
SB,

I just did a provider search on my new insurance and it says my old T is a provider so I sent her an e-mail (she has consulted with me about my situation with current T before). I asked her if she would take me back for awhile and help me transition out of my current relationship with my T because I need someone who knows me and my issues and who knows how to handle me and my issues. Therapy was very successful with her. I am hoping she will say yes, but will understand if she says no. I am just at the level with her.

I printed out a list of names. If she says no. I will start making calls.
evaevaMember
quote:
Originally posted by ghost girl:
SB,

I worry that my perceptions of T and her responses are inaccurate and that I must trust her perceptions as reality. She says she is a warm person. That she demonstrates her warmth and caring in ways that I am not accustomed to (her example was seeing me pro bono for four months because I had a gap in my insurance). I don't know if I can trust my own perceptions and my own feelings. I don't know if my desire to flee is built on evidence or my own emotional and cognitive misperceptions. I go through responses to my texts and re-run parts of conversation in my head and I think I am not incorrect in feeling unvalidated, acknowledged and cared about. I don't know I am so confused.


((((GG)))) it sounds like a horribly hard place to be that's for sure.

It's probably not either or, more likely a bit if both - as the saying goes - there always 3 ways to see things - the way you see it, the way the other person sees it, and the truth.

Chances are it's not 100% her being warm and 100% you not seeing it; just as it's probably not 100% that she is a cold ass biartch or 100% you not seeing she really is that way.

I was also thinking - does it need to be a 'black or white' decision? Ie does it have to be about staying OR leaving yr T and changing back to hr old one?

Would it be possible to see your old T for a while WHILE you continue to work through things with yr current T. That way, you'd have the help and support of your old T, someone 'objective' and outside the huge emotional situation; while at the same time, staying seeing yur current T in an attempt to ascertain for sure IF she is cold and uncaring, or - like you said - it's yr projections.

If she can't see you for long even a few sessions might help you feel clearer. Or have another new T to talk to about it.

I don't think any of us can answer that for sure. I do think it's super insightful that you are OPEN to the idea that hey, maybe this intense stuff is transference and it's not really my T that is cold / uncaring - MAYBE I would perceive anyone in her role in this way, if they weren't giving me lots of hugs / allowing plenty of outside session time...

More than anything I'd really encourage you to print off this thread - esp the quote I used of hours above, and take it to your current T to discuss.

If she is defensive, if she tells you it's all in your head, instead of encouraging you to tLk it through, and to have your feelings (cos regardless if if it's 'just' your perception / projection, it's still HOW YOU FEEL Smiler ) and help you process it, then that might be something to help you come closer to a decision.
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Hi ElizaJ,

Thank you for your response. I had it set up that I was seeing a second T to help assist me with the transference and issues that were beneath the transference but he is constantly cancelling appointments and has a no contact policy between sessions because he works for a counselling agency and is not an independent practitioner. I would love for this to not be a "black and white" issue. If my former T is willing to take me on, I would love to see her in combination with seeing current T so I can process and work through the issues. I will however, approach this the way my former T thinks is best for me and will cause me the least amount of emotional harm. When I saw former T a few months ago to consult with her about this situation she had mentioned that what was occuring in my relationship with current T is similar to trauma bonding (where areas of our brain "light up" and attract us to people who we perceive have traits of abusive bonds we have had in the past).

I have expressed my needs for warmth and validation and emotional presence to my current T and she still responds coldly. I don't care about hugs and physical contact. I just want and need and deserve my words, my pain and my experiences to be validated to be able to open and heal. T does not want to give me those things for whatever reason. I honestly think she wants me gone.

If former T is unwilling to see me, I will contact and interview other therapists in my area and try to make the move. I cannot change my current T and she just is not meeting my needs. I have tried with her. It is not for lack of trying or communicating my needs. It is because she refuses to acknowledge me.
quellquellMember
Ghost girl
I don't know if this helps AT ALL, but I had trouble with my T after 3.5 years and knew that I wanted something more/different. It was really, really, really hard to leave him. I can't say that I am with a new T who is perfect for me and that therapy is now easy, but it is definitely better for me. I do not regret leaving old T. I still talk to him from time to time and he is OK with that, which is nice. I am hoping that my relationship with my new T continues to grow and be helpful.
I know that my situation might not be much like yours, but I understand struggling with transference (that's how I found this forum) and I know how hard it is to figure out what to do with a therapist you are attached to but who is so difficult to have a warm relationship with.
Here are the links to my old posts in case there is anything that you might be able to connect to. They are long. Sorry.

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...3059001#315003059001

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...2369001#191002369001

Good luck.

Quell
evaevaMember
hi GG

My T used the term 'traumatic bond' in one of our sessions - i think she was referring to the relationship i had with my mother … and in the context that if you have grown up with the major caregiver in your life being emotionally abusive and manipulative, then any intimate relationship will feel like a trauma bond.

i hope you hear back form your old T soon.

do you think you can talk to your current T about this at the moment, or do you need to talk to your old T first? you explain it really well above, where you are in terms of not knowing what is 'real' and what is 'projection'. having that awareness is a huge step in the right direction.

hope you get some answers soon.

I'm hoping for you it is that your T is really knowing what she is doing, and it's more of a projection - cos IF it is, and your T is really skilled, then it will be a really healing thing to process all the negative emotions and reactions she is trigging for you.

IF its unresolved trauma from a previous experience, then it would probably occur with just about any T you did end up seeing.

yet, you didnt feel similar things at all with your old T? if not, do you know why that is? what was it about your old T that meant you didn't feel triggered this way?

(sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that rent correct - just trying to understand, not cause further hurt :heart blinkSmiler
ghostgirlghostgirlMember
Hi ElizaJ,

I am seeing current T this morning and I am planning on discussing her lack of warmth and her responses to me. I will be giving her specifics. I plan on asking her if her stance is one that she thinks she must have for my "psychological illness". I have never had such a cold T before. I have been with three female Ts in the past (over the course of 20 years off and on) and I only had very heavy transference with one. I had to terminate that relationship because my insurance coverage for the year ran out and I could not afford to go back. With former T. I feel the most comfortable. Old T is more passive in therapy and there no "right" or "wrong" feelings. Her stance is very powerful, I feel like she she emotionally present and there seems to be no power differential in the therapuetic relationship with her. I feel like she respects me and my mind and knows that I am very wounded, but very insightful and I do my "work". I don't ever remember feeling like I wanted her approval or like I wanted her to mother me because her approval is already there. My perception of her is more clear. Like she is who she is: a professional there to help me deal with my issues.

Today I will give T specifics and see what she says. Undoubtedly she is cold. I have run verbatim responses to things I have brought up in therapy to both people in and out of therapy and it seems that the general consensus is that her responses were cold and non-therapuetic. Maybe she doesn't see it. I have had this discussion with her before but never brought up specifics.

I will post later on this thread to update every one on my progress.

Thank you everyone you replied to and read my post. Food for thought, support and feedback are awesome.

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