Heart&Soul,
I would recommend a two fold approach. the first being that can you substitute healthier ways of dealing with your feelings. You already understand that you use the drinking to escape, avoid or dull the pain. Would planning on carving out some time alone during which you could journal, or meditate or contact your T or a close friend, so you have a safe place to deal with the emotions rather than push them away.

The second part would be treating yourself with gentleness and compassion. You probably won't be perfect. None of us are when learning new skills. So if you slip, see it for what it is, a stumble on your way to better behaviors.

And may I say you are one brave woman vacationing with family for two weeks.

AG

Thanks Draggers and AG,
I have to admit I don't know what I was thinking when I made these plans ... TWO WEEKS? The first 4 or 5 days is just going to be me alone with my parents. I originally thought it would be a good time to tackle some issues with no one else around. Not so sure I'm up for any of that right now. My wildly successful brother and his family will arrive on the 4th of July, as will probably 20-30 extended family members. Brother's family will stay through Saturday, H and 18yos will arrive Friday and then we'll have another blissful week together. (Sorry, is that too sarcastic?)

The best thing about this trip is that my parents home used to be my grandparents cottage, it's right on a small lake. Two-thirds or more of the shoreline is state natural wildlife area, undeveloped. It's one of the most peaceful places on earth, and by far my favorite place to get away.

I appreciate all of your advice, I have been doing a lot of journaling over the past few months and it definitely helps me. Except T wanted me to share what I showed him with H. Yikes! Maybe I'll just keep it to myself next time I will be able to swim a lot, too. That's a great stress-buster for me. I will try to be gentle with myself, but you both know that's easier said than done.

I'm hoping T will agree to set up some way that I can contact him outside of waiting for a callback with a house full of people. Just in case.

Best,

Sorry, BG, cross-posted...
My parents don't know the extent of most of my stuff. They do know that I've NOT been drinking for awhile, but that's about it. I don't even worry so much about people offering, it's more just the constant availability and my lack of willpower. I guess I'm afraid to say "I don't drink," and then slip. Moderation is not an area of strength, unfortunately.

I plan to have my big nalgene water bottle with me, always, and hopefully that will help. And if I'm tempted I can go for a swim if the weather is good, grab my iPod and my journal if it's yucky, and chew a lot of peppermint gum. Definitely not so good with wine, but ok with diet coke!

Thanks for your help, BG!

Hugs,

IT is great that you are planning for it now. With me it is either all or nothing - I can never just have 1 - but if I have that determination NOT to drink - then I don't start - I have my own supply of diet cola that I drink. On the days I decide to drink.....ahem..look out. I know that if I am feeling down - i am on a slippery slope because then I will want to drink to numb and then when I am like that - it ends up in bad stuff / SI / Su thoughts etc. So i try and be really strong up front and don't do it - or plan around it.

It is lovely that you have the nature reserve and the scenery there - that would help me as that is what helps me ground. Try and get a regime planned of time alone, solitude etc. It sounds like you are doing fantastic planning around it already.
Somedays

SD, I'm planning like crazy because I'm scared to death... The whole trip sounds really overwhelming right now and I'm just not sure I can handle it. But I need to go, so I'm going.

I'm afraid of a lot of bad stuff that I think and do when I drink too much. (And like I said to BG, moderation is not my strong point.) Things that my family is not aware of... And with all the extended family that will be visiting for a day or two here and there. It's all too risky.

Thanks for responding!

Yeah, when you wrote that bit about moderation - I had a smile on my face - but in commiseration as I totally get it. To me moderation is 1 day totally over the top and then 1 day not drinking - right????

Just keep planning and doing what you are doing, because I think you doing well.
SD

UPDATE:
Four days down, 11 or 12 to go, and so far, so good. I have been offered exactly 19 drinks, not that I'm counting, and taken none. Some pretty stressful moments, but I've dealt by walking away "to get something in the other room" or "make a phone call." So far ED and SI urges are under control, more due to being under the microscope at meals and due to lack of any privacy and opportunity than anything else.

Please have a good thought for me as I tackle some tough issues with FOO tonight. I desperately need input and answers to my questions... Even the answers I don't want to hear would be better than no answer at this point. This is the whole reason for my extended trip, so I hope I can handle it.

You're an inspiration!

good luck, H&S, I hope you get some answers but remember nomatterwhat happens you were brave enough to ask!

AG

You can do it! You ARE doing it! Just remember to take it one meal, one conversation, one day at a time!

great job, heart & soul! you really are an inspiration! i admire you are am rooting for you. You Go, Girl!!!

Thinking of you, HeartAndSoul. You're doing so great.

landa

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS - SI/ED

Thank you all for your replies and support. This forum is filled with such great people with so much insight and experience to share. I will reply individually tomorrow, but wanted to quickly update tonight.

Highly emotional talk tonight with my parents. Addressed a lot of things that have gone unsaid, ignored, and swept under the rug for too long. Getting their answers to some hard-to-ask questions wasn't easy. But I think this was a big step toward helping me move from a very dark place of self-loathing, self-destruction, guilt, and shame one step closer to self-forgiveness.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to get through tonight without some ED issues flaring up. Preparing for this talk was so triggering that I couldn't get control any other way.

I wish I could have been stronger and found a better way to handle it, but everything was building up, first the emotions, and then the physical responses were coming so quickly behind the emotions. It was really overwhelming. I was afraid I'd either SI or drink, or drink, then drink more and more and more, then feel guilty and SI badly.

I feel bad, I really wanted to get through the trip without purging, but then again, it could have been much, much worse.

Way to go!!!!!!!

((( Heart & Soul ))) i am really proud of you! a few things ... 1.) you decided to go on this 2 week trip with an honest (and scary) agenda that could potentially be life-changing, for you as well as for others. 2.) you knew this trip would be fraught with triggers, but knew in your heart that these issues need to be dealt with and did it anyway. what you are doing shows a LOT of character that is both honorable and brave! if i may be so bold, you have alot of balls! i have read on this site and others that oftentimes when we're on the road to getting better we will turn more heavily (temporarily) to addictive behaviors such as ED or drinking excessively. so i think it would be in order to look at what you're intent is here. it's purely to make a better way of life for yourself, and maybe others as well (if they're willing to have open minds and hearts). be gentle on yourself for the ED issues, seriously. you're right, it could have been WAY worse! i am really proud of you. i wish there were an icon of a little dude with a sword and shield, cuz that's how i'm picturing you. BRAVO to you!!! good luck with the rest of your trip. we're all behind you!!!

Obviously I cross posted earlier and was commenting on H&S previous comment that all had been going well.

Everything is still ok - what you are facing there is HUGE. INstead of thinking of those times when you slip think of all those seconds, minutes, hours and days you have got thru since being there when you haven't slipped. You slipped because what you are facing is a really brave and huge thing - you are meeting it head on.

Go back to all your plans that you made last week and regroup and see what you can do in the next 12 -48 hours to look after yourself and keep contained. You are doing great!!! We are all here to support you.

Somedays.

Feeling a lot better about the whole situation. Had some time to process the info received from my parents, and although there are more questions to be asked and answered on both sides, I think we're at a spot that is livable.

(((Draggers))) (((BLT))) (((Landa)))
Thanks for your words of encouragement. They stayed with me and gave me strength the whole time.

(((R2G))) Remembering to take things slowly is so important, and I was just wanting to rush through everything to be done with it and have it over with. By slowing down and concentrating on one moment and one event at a time I can stay more in control and less emotional... A good thing.

(((AG))) you are right, just bringing myself here and facing the issues is enough of a challenge at this point. Luckily I did get some answers and now have some time to process them.

(((CD))) I've got to admit, I feel more like a scared little girl than a brave knight with sword and shield, but I sure appreciate the words of confidence and the image made me smile when I was feeling pretty damn bad. Thanks for the good advice,

(((SD))) Thanks for reminding me to focus on the successful moments, there have been more of them than failures so far. And your advice to go back to my plans and start again sounds exactly like what my sweet T would say... Thanks!

thank you all for your support. Knowing you all were here to help has made a world of difference so far this week.

Today my brother and family arrive. Perfect brother, opinionated sister-in-law, three loud children, 13, 11, and 9 years old. Luckily I am moving out to the motor home. Mom & dad realized my need for some space and privacy. That should make the next few days much more bearable, at least it gives me an escape.

Thanks again! I will keep you posted!

Happy 4th of July... Or happy Wednesday!

Love,
Heart

H&S,
Glad to hear things are feeling more stable.

Oh dear your brother's family just sound like a delight! Never underestimate the value of faking a 24 stomach virus out in the motorhome especially if you have some good books handy.

Happy Fourth!

AG

AG, that's not a bad idea! Wish i would have tried it last night.

Got really triggered by total chaos: out of control kids, more noise than you would believe, and a complete lack of discipline. Then my brother started asking why I'd come to visit so much earlier than DH and DS, pushing and pushing...

I started having some really bad SI thoughts just racing through my head and I was afraid even to escape to the motorhome alone. I finally went down to the deck by the lake and was able to use the water, some calm/nature music, and deep breathing to get myself contained before I'd SI'd seriously. I'm trying not to dwell on it, acknowledging that this week isn't about perfection, and trying to be better prepared next time.

Tonight was better, calmer, simpler. Tomorrow's plans include a trip to a local ice cream shop whose scoops you'd find on "Man vs Food." If that doesn't trigger my ED it will be a miracle.

Goodnight from your not-so-perfect

Day 8 dawning, about to go for a swim across our little lake and back... Probably right around a mile, maybe a little more, based on the amount of time it takes me (32-35 min).

DH and 18yos arrive tonight, changing the dynamic here yet again. I have missed them, and their arrival means this trip is almost halfway over. Hooray! I might actually make it.

Still haven't had a drink, just so afraid to lose control if I do. I think I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together minute to minute anyway. Don't need to bring a state of inebriation and lowered inhibitions to the party. Feel like I need to be really sharp-witted to deal with everything going on around me...

Thanks again for the support!

((( heart & Soul ))) i hope you have your life-vest! that's one hell of a swim! you're hanging in there tough, and i think you'll be just fine, but here's one from the forum
cut yourself some slack and have some fun, okay? i know it ain't easy, but just try to have some fun, k? thinking about you!

Thanks CD! Appreciate the hugs and good thoughts.

No life vest, but my FOO insists on a pontoon or paddleboat escort. I swim almost every morning, usually 1 to 1 1/2 miles.

Still holding my own with the alcohol, but REALLY struggling with ED stuff today. Just really poor boundaries on my part... Basically nonexistent boundaries... trying not to beat myself up, just getting tired of it.

Hasn't been all negative or too heavy all the time here, and I'm looking forward to my brother's family going home tomorrow. That will calm things down quite a bit.

Thanks again for the good thoughts!

I have a question, are you trying to stop drinking, and if so how long have you been sober? I was taught to stay away from slippery places in my first year of sobriety. If you are dreading going on a vacation with drinkers, then follow your gut feeling and do not go. Vacations are supposed to be fun, and you are supposed to look forward to them not dread them. What kind of a vacation is a giant drinkfest where the point is to be drunk, not present in the moment? It looks like you managed to survive the trip. Now go on a vacation you do not have to dread.

Cheers!