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Hi SBRAHP,

I am so sorry it didn't work out with your first T.. mustn't have been easy I can imagine.

I have to admit, I'm having a hard time talking about it. Even with my new T, but especially with my relationship T. I've been hinting so many times I want to talk about something important and she keeps on pushing it away... So I don't see why she wouldn't push it away when I say everything out loud.

My new T doesn't seem to feel very comfortable with it either.. although we've been talking about it. But maybe it's just me, cause my last appointment with her she said she didn't understand why I found it so difficult to talk about this & seemed so ashamed about it.. and that there was no reason for it.

It was the first time she told me that it was ok to feel these things.. which felt such a relief!

With my relationship T, I'm having the feeling she had a bad experience with transference before. It's just a guess off course but my gut feeling is pointing me in that direction..
(But maybe that's just my fantasy of thinking us talking about this would help her move beyond a previous bad experience as much as me. Could be possible Smiler)

I think I'm going to write my relationship counselor an email asking her about the reasons why it feels like some things can't be talked about.. and pointing out to her it's really necessary for me to be able to move beyond certain things, because without them I won't be able to grow in our relationship either. And see how she reacts...
She can't not respond to a very specific question like that.

Tnx for the support by the way. Already is helping a lot to be able to talk about it with you guys!

C
Hello everyone,
I haven't been on here in a little while but I have read many posts be others. I too struggle with transference and my T not really talking about it. It is like he just wants to avoid it completely. Although my feelings toward him have calmed down quite a bit in the past couple of months. I am not thinking about him all the time like I did in the past. I am not even sure why that is. It is not like I am ever going to get over him completely.
Has anyone else ever felt like there feelings weren't as intense? Was it something that happened to cause your feelings to decrease? Maybe it is just having a site like this to talk about my feelings has helped me move past some of my feelings. I am just glad to not have him on my mind so much. I feel like I am getting my old life back before the transference began.
Thanks.

L
Hi Lynne, nice to meet you! Good question!
I do relate alot to your sayings. In the beginning of therapy i dont think i ever thought about anything else than my T. It was like an obsession, really. Painfully and good, at the same time in a paradoxical way. And the intensity of my feelings were so strong i convinced myself that i was going crazy. Literally!
Now, almost 4 years later, i too have the feeling that i got my life back and there are days now i dont think much about T at all. Thats a huge relief!
I think it is very individual when the strong transference feelings decreases (and what makes it increase again!) since it depends alot on how often you see your T and the process, and your "story" and the type of therapy, and your T`s orientation and so on. What kind of therapy are you in? And how long have you been in therapy? (you dont have to answer this if you dont want to- just curious!) I am sorry to hear that your T avoids the topic. Are you sure he avoids it, or do you guess that he doesnt like talking about it? I\m asking because i was often (sometimes still!) afraid that the topic (my feelings for T) were too intense/wrong/ too overwhelming for him, that i convinced myself that it was a burden for T and that it made him very uncomfortable talking about it. Which is not the case. These worries were mine alone.
If he`s a psychoanalyst he should be able to talk to you about this at least.
I dont have a good answer to why your feelings have decreased, but it sure does sound normal as time goes on. And as long as you`re glad about it, it probably will continue that way.
Did you wish you could "get over him completely"? I know for me, i will never get over my T, and i dont even want to, but i do want the painfull part of the transference to "get over". It`s a big difference there i think.
Lol, i better stop here, i could just ramble on about this topic forever but not sure that would be any helpful to you.
Keep writing here if it helps!
Frog,
I am in one on one therapy with my T. I have been in therapy now for about 1 1/2 years. I really think that my T just doesn't want to talk about my transference and since I am too shy to bring it up we don't talk about it. In therapy I don't get much of a chance to talk about my feelings because my T is talking all the time. That really bugs me too.

In a way I want to completely get over him, but I know that is not going to happen. My feelings were just too intense for that to happen. I will always carry a soft spot in my heart for him. It is nice to know that I am not alone on feeling this way. Hearing other talk about how they feel toward their T makes me feel better. For the longest time I just convinced myself I was crazy. I love my husband very much and it is hard to understand how I could love anyone else at the same time. From others posts though I know that I am not alone which feels good.

L
I would be really confused too. Perhaps inviting you to his performance was a momentary lack of judgement on his part and he realized that when you called him later. It is a huge bummer that he did that and put you in a weird painful place when otherwise you would be moving on by now. Even if feelings are mutual between therapist and client a therapist has an ethical obligation to hold the boundaries and not blur the lines. Inviting you to see him outside the office seems like blurring of the boundaries that he is trying to pull back from. It is very very unfortunate that he did that and now you have to suffer. Protect yourself. He sounds like trouble.
i know you said you have an amazing connection, and that is good, but
it IS the therapists responsibility to maintain boundaries. we have to be careful, too, for our own selves. but yes, it most definitely comes down to the T holding to those boundaries. he's probably a good person, but needs to work on his own stuff more, before he's capable of working with others.
Only issue of letting go is I feel he is the love of my life. I know, sounds corny...you just know! Thanks for the feedback.
quote:
Originally posted by River:
I would be really confused too. Perhaps inviting you to his performance was a momentary lack of judgement on his part and he realized that when you called him later. It is a huge bummer that he did that and put you in a weird painful place when otherwise you would be moving on by now. Even if feelings are mutual between therapist and client a therapist has an ethical obligation to hold the boundaries and not blur the lines. Inviting you to see him outside the office seems like blurring of the boundaries that he is trying to pull back from. It is very very unfortunate that he did that and now you have to suffer. Protect yourself. He sounds like trouble.
Sounds like he's stuck between a hard place and a rock. :S Or a patient. Smiler
quote:
Originally posted by closed doors:
i know you said you have an amazing connection, and that is good, but
it IS the therapists responsibility to maintain boundaries. we have to be careful, too, for our own selves. but yes, it most definitely comes down to the T holding to those boundaries. he's probably a good person, but needs to work on his own stuff more, before he's capable of working with others.
So at the end of the day...I didn't misread him? I'm not seeing too much into it??
quote:
Originally posted by teatime:
Sounds like he's stuck between a hard place and a rock. :S Or a patient. Smiler
quote:
Originally posted by closed doors:
i know you said you have an amazing connection, and that is good, but
it IS the therapists responsibility to maintain boundaries. we have to be careful, too, for our own selves. but yes, it most definitely comes down to the T holding to those boundaries. he's probably a good person, but needs to work on his own stuff more, before he's capable of working with others.
So glad I have strangers to talk to about this as it's consuming me. I can't talk to anybody about it. It's a sensitive issue.
quote:
Originally posted by teatime:
So at the end of the day...I didn't misread him? I'm not seeing too much into it??
quote:
Originally posted by teatime:
Sounds like he's stuck between a hard place and a rock. :S Or a patient. Smiler
quote:
Originally posted by closed doors:
i know you said you have an amazing connection, and that is good, but
it IS the therapists responsibility to maintain boundaries. we have to be careful, too, for our own selves. but yes, it most definitely comes down to the T holding to those boundaries. he's probably a good person, but needs to work on his own stuff more, before he's capable of working with others.
I had very similar feelings with my T. I believe I'm in love with her and this feeling has existed almost from the beginning of going into therapy with her. Maybe after a month. I've been seeing her now for almost 1 1/2 years. I also feel the connection and know she feels for me. She has said she loves me deeply. I think she does but maybe it's not the way I want her to. Even if she does, she is very good with the boundary. It is so hard dealing with it. T and i have talked about my feelings for her. She is very open to discussing anything relationship based.

How hard that must of been when his family showed up and he said he's happily married. I would have assumed the same as you did Sarah. I think crossing the boundary like that when you're still in therapy can be very hard and confusing for us.

What helps me in the present is I try to restrict my fantasies of getting together with my T to post therapy. If I think I still feel the same maybe wait a while and call her. But by that time, my feelings may change, I'll heal more and get involved in a healthy relationship.
Hi there, welcome to the forum. If people are struggling with suicidal thoughts or self-injury, there is a special forum area for that called "sensitive issues". Anyone can be granted access by sending ShrinkLady a private message.

Here is the link to the sensitive issues forum guidelines.

I am glad the transference post has helped you - it really is very common (and often worrying, frustrating, scary, and even wonderful!) to feel these feelings in therapy. You are definitely not alone in feeling them.
Before finding this forum, I would get so down on myself and feel like I'm this ugly monster, and absolutely hate what I put my T through dealing with me. My T has been the best in how she deals with me, and she just keeps saying "I'm not going anywhere". I've been going to her for six years and she keeps putting up with my garbage. She has allowed me to express deep emotional love feelings for her, but my problem has been wanting that love returned. She says she loves me too, but I just don't believe it. She establishes the boundaries very well which keeps me from feeling that mom love. Is it wrong to look for that mom love. We both recognize and acknowledge there is absolutely no romantic type feelings from either of us, it's purely a mother/son thing. We are in a very bad spot right now because after being with her for so long and feeling stuck, I mentioned to her my frustration. After that I feel she is going to make a decision to back away from me...that's bothering me right now. My latest letter back to her expressed I'm looking for genuine mom love, but all she can do is act like my mom. What do you all think about this? What can I do better?
Last edited by True North
I'm new here and have been reading posts which I feel have been helpful in aiding me with gaining some objectivity regarding the transference issue with my previous T.

Although grief therapy ended with my T some 2 years ago, I still seem him weekly around the office because I still go to the very same clinic (where T works) for a peer support group.

I never outright told my T of any transference issue with him, i think i threw enough flirting and hints out there that he'd have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to know..I had begun bringing him home made treats at xmas a few years back and stopped doing it this year. I just needed to take a step back from him as I felt it was just harmful to me and obviously going nowhere. When I finally came back, he was promoted to mgr of the office and no longer counseling..I was assigned a new T (female). He immediately came to me, got 2 inches from my eyes and with puppy dog eyes wanted to know what happened to his xmas treats this year??? That threw me for a loop and started up the strong feelings again..whereas before..when i had distanced myself..I was doing fine. I found he was also giving me "elevator eyes" - looking me up and down..Finally, I wanted to know the truth (and I knew he wouldn't tell me) so on Valentine's day 2014..I gave him a candle, his requested cheesecake, a generalized card with my phone number.. and just to see if there was a reaction..A copy of my husbands obituary with his pic included as well as a pic of our double head stone (both names). It made him furious!! I've never seen him so MAD. He was like a bull in a china hutch!!! He dismissed me almost immediately from his presence in the most icy way I've ever seen. I could see the steam coming from his ears as he slammed chairs around in his office...Well, that was pretty much what I wanted to find out. After that, he stayed holed up in his office for two weeks. Finally, when he emerged, he was kind to me..However, he has changed his habits..He no longer wanders the halls looking for me. He stays in his office with the door closed more often than not..Occasionally coming out to ask me to help him with some trivial office need..

My transference has changed. Converted if you will..Into more of a one of care and love..and no longer so sexually charged. This transition happened after I met a much younger man and uhh..got all of my sexual tension taken care of.

So, I'm left with much love and care for someone who..probably has at least some feelings for me (see bull in the china hutch above). Mainly, I'd just like to get to know my T better outside the clinic..But with the realization that that is probably NEVER going to happen..I feel i am attempting to move on. No, I have not mentioned any of this to the new T..In fact, I just left a v-mail for her cancelling the next appt.
It's so terrible what happened and I can fully relate. If it's any consolation, I get put down by my T's schedule. She works at a clinic where there is a scheduler where it's first come first serve. One occasion, my appointment was scheduled four weeks ahead and I nearly died of separation anxiety. When I finally had the appointment, T didn't even realize I had been missing! I was angry and said "I'll bet if I was a millionaire, this clinic could arrange for my schedule to be regular". Yes, it hurts when the therapist brushes you off like a bug! If you could, it would be great to start with someone else, but you just can't (at least I can't) when the transference dependency gets going.
Dear Shrinklady,

First let me say that I am grateful to find a psychotherapist that recognizes and validates the reality of transference, and values the benefit of working through transference in the therapeutic setting. I am new to this site and forum, and found it in my search to make sense of a recent therapeutic rupture, and to find help after this experience. I have many questions, and much confusion and pain after my recent round of therapy. I have some renewed hope after reading your article on transference that maybe I can find some answers and direction through this forum.



I have been in therapy off and on for about 17 years. Most of those experiences have been helpful, and assisted me in my journey to change. However, there have been two counseling relationships which have ultimately caused me a great deal of hurt, confusion, and pain. Recently, I was seeing a 'trauma therapist' who was using an evidenced based intervention for trauma treatment. I made a good connection with this therapist and the T. helped me in many ways. Concurrently, I was experiencing many overwhelming feelings of care and warmth toward my therapist and these feelings frightened me. Further, my T. had to cancel often due to chronic illness and other reasons. I noticed myself having a harder and harder time with the disruption in treatment, and was concerned by how I would cry like a little child if our session was cancelled. After several months I decided to address these issues. It didn't go very well needless to say, other wise I would not be on this site seeking out help. After two sessions of discussion, and expressing my need to feel safe in the therapy relationship before delving deeper into trauma work, I was asked to leave therapy (or 'take a break' as it was presented to me). I was told to come back when I was ready (or when my brain told me I was ready). Needless to say, I was crushed, and I do not think I can return because there was not any option to work through the 'safety issues' and now I feel more unsafe than ever.

I did not realize I was having transference until a therapist friend pointed out to me her observation. She also pointed out that some therapist's are not comfortable addressing transference. I have since talked to a few experts in the type of trauma treatment I was engaged in. One therapist commented that the choice to temporarily terminate my treatment, without any other referrals, was "poor practice at best." Although I have received much validation from professionals in the field that the transference and counter-transference that was occurring between us was normal, part of the trauma process especially, and that it was the therapist's responsibility to handle it better..........all these reassurances do not help.

I do not know what to do or where to go from here therapeutically speaking. I need help and am trying another therapist, however, I don't want to be vulnerable or trust again. In addition, even though my other therapist hurt me, I still feel connected, care for this therapist, and want to "make the relationship right" (fix it) but I can't. I would like to find a therapist that is well versed in transference and counter transference as well as attachment and trauma. These therapists are hard to find especially in a small town area. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Essentially, I hope to find help to heal.

From, Hope2Heal
Hi Hope,

I have some real transference issues with my T. More specifically erotic transference. I shared my feeling with T and she handled it. I am fortunate that she was/is able/willing to deal with it. Sorry yours couldn't.

From what you say, your T did not handle the situation well at all. It sounds like she "was not ready" and could not deal with it. Perhaps because of own feelings or maybe the chronic illness. Whatever the case, your T was responsible to help you transition to someone else.

It's very difficult healing from trauma. Mine happened when I was very young. Reassurances don't help, especially when you're in the "thick of things". Sometimes I have to focus on getting from one moment to the next.

Finding a good trauma T is not easy but don't give up. I interviewed T's. I believe that being up front with my T in the interview helped in finding the right one for me. I wasn't aware of what transference was at the time but when I realized my feelings I researched and I talked to my T. My feelings for my T are stronger than ever. I believe there is some counter transference too. My T has said she loved me deeply. It tough especially when you like the person and would choose to be friends had you met them under other circumstances.

When you find a trauma T ask them in the first session how they "handle" or if they are comfortable dealing with transference issues. Maybe you will find someone who is well grounded.

It is hard finding the help you need. My T is not enough for my issues. I search the web for other resources and treatment modalities. I found an intensive trauma therapy program. Even then though, it's not easy when you are so broken inside.

Try https://www.myptsd.com/. You may find additional support/resources there. Hang in there!!

km
Hi Hope and km,
It has been awhile since I have been on this site since my transference is completely gone. I ended up leaving my T for a new one with a different round of treatment plan. Since leaving my original T my feelings for him have completely died down.

Although now that my feelings have died down I can look back with a clear mind on how my feelings were. It seems hard to believe that I had such intense feelings for my T. I don't have heartache anymore for him.

I understand how others feel now too. Transference is real and can be a difficult thing to deal with. It took me over a year without him to get over him. I just hope what I learned through it all can help someone else out there that is struggling with their intense feelings.

The fact that I had to leave my T in order to get over him might not be feasible for others. Just because I left him too didn't kill the feelings right away. It took time and more therapy to deal with it.

Just know there is hope out there. There are ways to deal with transference and with a good T anyone can get through it.

Lynne
Thanks Lynne. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is hard especially when there is a genuine connection.

I think after a time of not seeing someone (therapy or other) feelings do mellow out. Instead of the heartache there sometimes remains a special place in your heart for someone. It is very difficult to manage when "in the thick of it". I think that would be true of most close relationships though.

Looking back with a clear mind:

Do you think you could or would have had feelings for him or would have been friends (or more) if you had met in a different setting?

Aside from the round of different treatment plan, did you need to find a new T because your feelings for old T interfered with your treatment?

How has the new T and treatment plan been working? I hope you are healing and feeling better!

Thanks,
km
km,
Thinking about it now I doubt that I would have been friends with my T. I think we are too different and he is not the type that I normally make friends with.

I didn't find a new T because of my old one they just wanted to try a different treatment plan (interpersonal relationship treatment). This treatment has really helped. I sometimes think that my transference was getting in the way of treatment with my old T. My feelings were so out of wack that I couldn't think straight which limited my ability to cope well.

I'd like to think though that there is a special place in my heart for my original T that will always remain there. He was such a nice guy that truly cared about my well being. That makes me feel happy just knowing that.

Lynne
I'm struggling on what seems to be this never-ending painful journey, so I spent the last few days reading every post on this thread. I just want to say a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who posted a question and the generous souls to posted replies. To know you're not alone in this journey is so comforting. The answers were brilliant and so informative. Thank you ShrinkLady for your site! This place and this thread have been invaluable to me.

AG - I'm convinced if you ever decided to write a book on Attachment Theory and/or Transference, it would end up as required reading for every counseling program. Your understanding of the subject and ability to articulate it is a true gift.


Thankful,
PF
((PF)) Thank you for the kind words, I keep talking about writing a book, but am a terrible procastinator (it also scares me spitless!) Smiler

I commend your perseverance as this is a LONG thread, but really agree that there is a lot of helpful stuff in here from a lot of different perspectives and people. I'm glad you've popped it back up where people will see it.

AG
Hello!
I'm relatively new to therapy (I've only had 4 sessions). And I have started to have erotic transference feelings towards my female therapist. I'm also female and bisexual. I know I should bring up these feelings with my therapist but I'm so scared to!
I find it very hard even to talk to friends and family members about very personal "things" and to bring something like this up with a relative stranger just seems crazy! I understand that it may take me a while to trust my therapist and maybe until then I won't be able to bring up my feelings towards her but I really do want to get better and I know confronting these feelings is an important part to help me heal!
I'm rambling but are there any ways of subtly bringing up erotic transference?

Magia
I find it very hard to bring personal things up when face to face with someone. I would be more comfortable to text my therapist about my feelings and have her bring it up than for me to bring it up myself. This is similar to how I started to get help for my depression and anxiety attacks, my teacher brought it up with me and asked if I thought I might be depressed. And I said yes. And started on this journey of meds and therapy.
Hi Magia. I too have developed erotic feeling for my T. I am female as is my T. I am struggling with sexual identity issues and think I am bi. Depends on the person.

I have been seeing T for 2 1/2 yrs and these feelings started to develop after several months. They have only grown deeper with time. I did bring this up with my T. I may have done it via journal writings which I let her read or indirectly by telling her some books (Erotic transference) I downloaded on my nook. It was very difficult and embarrassing for me. My T handled it very well. It's a big step to take but these are important feelings that affect the therapy and I hope you share these feelings with your T when you are ready. It will make you stronger. Dealing with these feelings is hard. Hang in there.
Hi, Magia. Welcome to the forums!

Erotic transference (ET) is one of my main struggles in therapy, so I post a lot about it here. My T is male, I'm female...and also 33 years younger than he is. Eeker ET came up very early for me, probably within the first couple of months. I first broached the subject by warning my T of my tendency to sexualize close relationships. Since then, I've discussed ET with him several times. Just recently, I shared with him a yikes-OMG fantasy I had about him that was bringing up all kinds of weird, uncomfortable feelings. That was probably the most intense session I've ever had. And I've been in therapy less than a year.

My T is a very experienced trauma therapist, so these feelings have not surprised him. He is very accepting of everything I tell him and has never humiliated me. If the feelings become too intrusive or intense for me, he helps me find ways to deal with them. Otherwise, he says it's ok to experience them and talk about them as much as I need to. Working with these feelings has helped me to understand a lot about myself and how I connect intimately with people.

There are several ways to bring this stuff up: give your T an article on it, write a letter, spit it out in session, etc. It may help to first ask your T if she has had any experience dealing with ET and what her philosophy and approach is. Then you can gauge whether she will handle your feelings in a safe way.

I know this stuff is massively difficult to get through. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your replies Km and Affinity!
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my posts.

I have a session with my therapist on Thursday and I'm going to try and take a step in the right direction by sharing a feeling I had that she was going to terminate our sessions. I know this isn't really bringing up my erotic transference with her but I find it extremely uncomfortable to bring even this up with her (I chickened out last week)! And hopefully I will gain a bit more confidence to bring up other things with her, including my sexuality and ultimately my feelings towards her.
Even in terms of my sexuality I've never come out to someone face to face before! It's always been via text or email!

Thanks again
Magia
Magia

Maybe you could start off by telling her that there is something you want to talk about but you are so afraid. Then you can talk about the feelings around that and hopefully it will lead back to the ET.

I hope you can do it! There is you a pretty flower! Good luck with it and come back and tell us how it went!
You're welcome Magia. I understand as I too struggle with such things. When I started therapy again I interviewed T's and at the first meeting I expressed my lack of understanding regarding my sexuality. At least I did this. I have not come out to regular people.

Once my feelings developed and grew It took several months for me to share my feelings with my T. It was very scary and I found a way to share that was a little less scary. She handled very well and did not make me feel bad or ashamed.

This past summer I took another small leap of faith and did confide in a co-worker that I felt I was in love with my girl T. She was so cool about it.

Part of what makes it so difficult for me is my total lack of self-acceptance and the importance I place on how others think/feel about me.

Take baby steps. I think it is important to share with your T not just because of the impact of your feelings on the therapy but for you to take that baby step. Face to face. If you journal maybe you can share these ET feelings via your journal or write a letter to your T and let her read it during your session. I have done this many many times with my T regarding so many issues.

Hang in there. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't share tomorrow. You haven't had that many sessions and you may need time to get to know your T better and feel safe sharing.

Remember, baby steps.

km
So I've had my session, and although I didn't have the courage to speak about my ET towards my therapist we did begin to discuss my sexuality (although I didn't say that's what we were talking about, although I feel she may have been able to guess that that is what it was about!). We also spoke a lot about trust and that I don't have to "explain" myself to anyone if I don't want to or don't feel ready. It was actually a very tough session for me.
I do feel that today's session was a very very tiny baby step but a baby step none the less in the right direction. And hopefully it will open the door to me becoming comfortable with her and starting to trust her enough (and also myself) to openly discuss my sexuality and eventually my ET.
Thanks again for your responses, it's really reassuring to know that I'm not alone in felling this way towards my therapist.

Magia
Skylnx,
You can find it here: How to Deal with Transference on myshrink.com. This forum is actually part of Shrinklady's website myshrink.com. If you haven't done any reading there, I would highly recommend it. She's explains a lot of concepts very clearly.

Magia,
Forgive the hijack and . I haven't been posting much lately, I'm on a break but didn't want to just pop in and ignore you. Glad to hear you feel less alone.

AG
Thanks Magia. Smiler

These feelings can be pretty crazy making when you start to feel them, I was very taken off guard by the intensity. I know it was an incredible relief to me to find other people who felt the same way and understood. If you haven't seen it, you might find my post on Erotic Transference on my blog helpful. Or confusing. Or both. Big Grin

In any case, you'll find a lot of understanding and support here.

AG
Still not managed to bring up my sexuality or ET with my T but I did mention that there are things I want/need/know I should bring up but that I'm not ready to do so. And T said that even acknowledging that took guts.

What gets me is that she knows, T intuition and all that, (well I "think" she knows and by that I'm 95% sure she knows!) but she's waiting for me to say it out loud! Oh T!

Magia
Hi,

I am new here and happy to know that I am not alone.

I have been in therapy since June 2014. While I have been feeling a lot better now, I also became so confused of certain feelings towards my T that I did not understand. I came across this site in trying to educate myself and learned that my feelings towards her (my T) has a name and it is called transference. I gained courage and told her (5 days ago) about it. She said, "I think of you in between sessions too".

While this is a beautiful feeling, it is also very painful to me. T on the other hand is very supportive and is willing to do the work with me on how to deal with it.

I have not seen her since the revelation because my sessions with her comes every other Friday. I am still terrified of this transference thing...

TheMysteryInMe
Hi everyone,

So I've spent the better part of 2 days reading through this read. Marathon run I know! I faithfully read the first few pages, and then skipped ahead.

So about me: this is my first experience with therapy. I'm in marriage counselling. And just a few weeks into therapy started to develop transference for my counsellor. Thankfully I did my research and found out what it's called and how it's a natural part of therapy and how the best way to deal with it is to be open and honest about it. Due to this research I was able to bring it up in a phone call with my T as well as with my husband (I told my husband first...he was quite understanding). It was a bit embarrassing but I find that I need to talk about stuff a lot, so no matter how awkward it was I was glad to be able to talk about it. And I was so relieved when I read that talking about it is the best way to handle it!

So the feelings started after my T was being especially caring and stayed on an hour long phone call with me after a depressive episode. And then during the days that followed, he gave me a specific set of guidelines, and in doing so, I realised just how effective his counselling was. Anyway, so I started having great admiration for the way he handled things so sensitively, caringly and above all, professionally. And that admiration turned into a major crush.

I love the fact that T doesn't skirt around the issue but addresses it head on, even with my husband present. I love the feeling about being able to talk about stuff, no matter how embarrassing or weird it might be. And I absolutely love that I don't have to hide this from my husband because that would put me in a guilt coma.

Anyway, so in dealing with all this, I'm now at the stage, where I have to remind myself to focus on fixing my marriage (the reason for the counselling), and to stop obsessing about T. Obviously easier said than done.

When does the transference start to lose it's hold? What shifts?

Intellectually I know T is not perfect. But we do have some friends in common (I looked him up on Facebook) and I recently saw him at an event where I was too flustered to approach him. So we do move in similar social circles and the chances of bumping into him again are high.

Although I've brought it up with my husband a few times but I'm wondering if I should stop now because I don't want him to feel that that's all I think about. And the funny thing is, our marriage has been so much better as a result of therapy. We are handling conflict better, we are giving each other more space and we are having more sex Smiler heh.

So we both definitely want to continue. If only this pesky infatuation with my T was not there, I could just focus a little better, you know?
I think when it shifts is different for everyone. It sounds like the T. is very open to hearing about it so I would probably talk about it when you need to. I've been in therapy a year and my transference is definitely less than the beginning. I think I've not only talked about it but I've come to accept it.

It doesn't bother me that it's there. It bothers me how it affects my thoughts and feelings. Some weeks I am just fine. Other weeks I'm an emotional basketcase over the smallest things.

It's great that you've been able to be open with your husband too! Do you know why it's happening? Is he providing somethign you didn't get as a child? Perhaps if you can figure out why it's happening, it will lessen.
Thank you for this explanation on Transference. I would do anything to overcome mine with my T. We have realised that I had an emotional absent mother in my childhood. My problem is that my obsession with my female T ruined my therapy and I walked out a month ago thus I'm still longing for her. I'm in my mid 30's and female. Will my transference only dissappear after I worked through this?
Hi EJ, and welcome -

I'm not sure transference is something you overcome. It's a human experience that we can feel with anyone, and often do, not only with T. In therapy it becomes a tool or medium through which we can fully experience our emotional spectrum as it relates to relationships in one's life. Sometimes the strength of those emotions are very powerful and when they are related to our early caregivers, they tend to come out full force in therapy.

It seems as though that is what you are experiencing, and this is your opportunity - if you have a therapist who knows how to work with this kind of issue - to work through those feelings that you had as a young child with T as a proxy for your mother. It is very, very hard work, but through it you can successfully learn to heal the pain of not having had the relationship you deserved with your mother. You can heal problems that developed for you as a result of having an absent mother. You can learn to get your needs met and feel like a whole and healthy human being.

But you have to go back to this T to work through your rupture. You might think of this rupture as a fight with your parent. You wanted something, and she wouldn't give it to you - so you stalked out. It is okay that you did this with T... as long as you go back. This episode gives you information about your feelings, your responses, your triggers. Use that information to shed light on how this situation came about and how you might do something differently next time.

Wishing you well on this journey.

-RT
Hi EJ,
I can't help with your question about ET but I thought I could maybe make a comment on the other stuff.

I agree with RT that, if at all possible, you should try to return to your T and work out what it was that made you walk out and not want to return. She should be able to handle ANYTHING you say, that's her job.

I have dealt with transference time and time again in both therapy and none therapy relationships. It is only very recently that I have begun to realise, as RT said, that transference is not something you necessarily overcome or get better from. It is actually a really useful human tool. For me, transference was also about learning to accept that having needs and desires is also OK (not something to be cured of) and that it is OK to be cared for/ loved.

I have never had a therapist who was my age (always older) but I should think that, as long as she is good at her job), it shouldn't matter. I have a good friend who I have strong motherly transference issues with and she is a year younger, so if you are asking if it is odd that you can see someone your age as a mother figure, than I think no. It is more about how the person relates to you than about age or sex or anything else.

Hope something in there helps a little.
x
It definitely helps. I am in this turmoil for so long, just to be able to talk to someone about it helps a hell of a lot. I really appreciate it.

I would love to go back but I need to be emotionally stronger. I don't want to waste her and my time by shutting down because of embarrassment.

Thanks for the support.
Hi EJ welcome to the forum Smiler
It is ok and safe to talk about your attachment and transference here. We understand as we are going through the same thing. Talking about it here has helped me tremendously.

I agree with RT and Liffey it would be good for you to go back to this T to work through your feelings. I don´t think it would be a waste of your time, or T´s time to go now when you are emotionally vulnerable.I know it takes a lot of courage, but it would be strong of you to work with your embarrassment and shutting down with your T.

Keep posting here how you feel about that.
Wishing you the best
- Little Me
Hi EJ

It's possible you are experiencing both maternal and erotic transference.
I fantasise about being with my T in a sexual way but I also just want her to be my mum (it's a lot more complicated than this but basically that's what it comes down to, even though I have a very good relationship with my birth mother).

Complicated. And I've not even started to discuss this with my T because it's so hard and these feelings seem wrong to have, but they're not wrong, they are normal and not as uncommon as we think.

I will reiterate what others have said and would suggest you return to your T so that you can start to work on these feelings (easier said than done I know).
If that's not an option then there's no reason why you couldn't and shouldn't find another T and you can even start by talking about your ET with previous T.
It wouldn't be as beneficial as talking it through with previous T but they will be able to help you realise and come to terms with the feelings and help to normalise them for you.

I wish you well

Magia
My T. is only about 5 years older than me and we have mutual friends. I also have maternal erotic transference for her. There is very little written about it but we've agreed that's what it is.

You should also check out a book called The Emotionally Distant Mother and Running on Empty. I found both helpful to understand what I didn't have as a child. Ironically, I didn't know I had unmet needs or an emotionally distant mother. I knew why I didn't like her but didn't realize what everyone else HAD. Once my mom died, all of these in love feelings came rushing to the top towards my T. I went through a very angry phase with her where she felt she was walkign a plank and at any time I was going to push her off. It was very hard and intense but we made it through.

I found that my ET is about feeling close to her. It mainly happens during my sessions when I feel connected to her. I still don't have the guts to ask her to explain why - what does a baby get that I don't that transfers into these. I've read but I guess I want to hear it from her.

As someone mentioned, view the ruptures as a fight with your parents. It will be so helpful and healing to go back and figure things out. I learned so much about myself. I learned that I was taking things wrong the entire time - misjudging her actions.
Hi Healing14,

Thanks for the book referrals I am currently reading "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride which is also a winner.

I have depression and on meds for the last 10 years, I went through a dip and decided to go and see a therapist little did I know that we would come to the realization that I had an emotional absent mother growing up. My mother also suffers from depression and it could be one of the reasons that she wasn't there for me. The confusing part for me is that in my adult life my mother and I have a close relationship. I will never bring up this finding with my mother because I can't bare it to hurt her. I almost think it was not her fault that she couldn't bond with me when I was an infant.

In my last couple of sessions it felt like I was all over the show grasping at straws and my T was just sitting there with big eyes probably thinking "What is she on about", I guess a bit of frustration from my side, I want my T to fix it and tell me what to do so that I'm not so in the dark about all this. But I guess it is a process and I need to be patient. I know now what the problem is why can't I just get over it, sometimes I irritate myself.

I have a question, do I talk to my T about my feelings for her so that I can understand my issues better, or do I just go and see her every week and talk about stuff I want to better myself?
EJ,
I'll look into that book as well. My mom also suffered from depression and I now think she had bipolar tendencies. She would be in a good mood for several months and then not get out of bed for a few months. So, I never knew which mom I was going to get. My parents always told me to be determined so I have a hard time forgiving her. She could have gotten help and refused when we suggested it.

Yes, it's a long process and my T. kept telling me to stop rushing through. Most importantly, DO TELL your T. all of your feelings even the ones towards her. IT was horribly painful for me to do so in the beginning but I have learned so much about myself.

I think to better yourself you need to understand your feelings and interactions with T. As my T. said, the transference is a tool to see how our past affects us and how we are with current relationships. I really feel like most of my other relationships are fine but I can see small connections between the two.

I did the same as you - started out reading all sorts of books on mothers/emotional distance/etc. They definitely helped me figure out why I was feeling the way I was - it was articulated in ways I couldn't or I realized the type of parenting I had. I then took many of those to my therapy sessions. But, talking to her was probably just as insightful. i haven't read a book in over 6 months trying to just focus on my feelings instead of the why's.

Good luck!
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