Thank you (BG)....i need to 'trust her one conversation at a time'....thanks for the encouragement...still feeling so scared and sad at times...I've decided to enroll in a suboxone program to help me stop using...I haven't told my T that one yet....she doesn't really want me to take suboxone...so, now i am afraid that my decision will put yet even more distance between us....but, I feel my decision is the best one for now(going to explain it to her), I see her next week....mlc

Well, I had my session this week with my T and I just want to cry...but with relief!! We talked about my possibly going with a suboxone program, we talked more about my drug abuse and i told my T how filled with regret i am over my relapse...one of the reasons being that i put a wall up between my T and also the world and others that i love by spinning so much on 'to take or not to take a pill...or...how many pills should i take...will i get caught, etc..' all day long...sigh...my world of pills...i did something during this session that i have not done in approx. 3 - 4 yrs--cry...I cried with relief and regret and frustration...all the while my T listened and showed me such attunement....she even teared up along with me...i love my T...the distance seemed to go away for now...and i am more motivated to come off the drugs...someone showing me care like my T helps me to take better care of myself(usually i resent taking care of myself!)this post is sort of short...feeeling some withdrawals and my mind is not so clear...but i will get off this s__t! I am determined....thanks BG for your encouragement and support!! mlc

Way to go, mlc!! That is good to hear. Glad you are determined to quit using, and that things went so well with your T. It makes such a difference to have their support and understanding. Good for you!

MTF

I think you are inspiring...you have made a good decision to get on the program, and you have moved closer to your T, and you cried in therapy...this is a lot! Go gently with yourself. Stopping using stuff that kills the pain is no easy road.. it is slow agonizing, isn't it- many setbacks...but the trick they say, is keep getting up and try again, over and over. I admire you. Just reading your story is making me want to make a real commitment to stop drinking. What have you tried, (if I may ask, if not, I'm just looking for ideas, support, solidarity- and please don't worry about answering) that helped you to stop using even if just for a day or two?

hugs,

BB

Thank you MTF! BB...yes, it is not an easy road...i am still taking some form of a pain pill now(tramadol..not as strong as what i was 'stealing' from my partner)...not getting high with it but taking only enough to ward off the terrible withdrawals so i can at least go to work until i see the doctor in the suboxone program(July 19th!--that's the first opening he had!)...you ask me what i've tried...i can say that i do it gradually..in small steps...so the jump off of the drug is not too terrible..idk if that is the 'proper' way or not...also, i've been trying to be mindful of my feelings and my body with this latest relapse--helps me to see how foggy my brain is and that i don't want to do this anymore....also, i try to play out my using to it's 'logical' conclusion--the high won't last and shame, guilt, sickness will only come flooding back into me in a few hours or less--ugh--i am so sick and tired of that f'n cycle...ugh...and i have so so many regrets!!! now i have to put my body back on suboxone(was on it a few years ago and coming off that was no picnic..) but at least i won't be in the 'spinning' of pills pills pills!

BB...I've read many of your posts on this forum...and i must say i admire you too...i admire how open and honest you are and also how supportive you are....thank you for saying 'it is no easy road...' cause i am so hard on myself and it helps that someone can relate to me....and please let me know how you are doing with the drinking(only if you want to)..cause i'd be curious to see how you do it too....stop using that is.....thanks again BB....mlc

Thanks BG...really needed to hear that...having rough time...trying to lessen my dose of tramadol before i see the suboxone doctor but having some pain from the withdrawals..makes it hard...plus i'm just plain scared....(BG)...hope you're doing well...mlc

Oh mlc, I hope your withdrawls are something you are able to find some support to deal with you shouldn't have to suffer alone with that. (((((mlc))))) Do you have to be totally off tramadol before you see the suboxone doctor?

Thinking of you today, sending great big supportive hugs,

BB

Thank you BB and Draggers!...so far i've not been too successful at weaning myself down to a lower dose of tramadol(something i decided to do on my own before i see the doctor...)...sigh...tough road ahead of me i think...but i created this ...counting down til i see the doctor...thanks again..helps me feel less alone in this....mlc

Mic, I'm pretty new so it's nice to meet you.

I read what you wrote and what others have said.
Although, I have never been addicted to drugs, I did have a doctor who would not me treat me because of my behavior. I was very sad because she was very good and I liked her alot. A couple of months after being kicked to the curb I wrote her a letter and told her all the positive steps I was taking since I last saw her. I then asked if she would consider treating me again. Her office contacted me and said she wanted to see me. I went to see her. I was so nervous and scared. She said to me she did not like how things ended and she was happy I was moving in the right direction. She agreed to continue seeing me and she spelled out all the rules. We continued working together until she retired.
I hope this helps your situation and you continue to repair the rupture. You made a positive move by coming clean and you should feel proud of yourself.

Preppy

Thanks BG and Preppy...I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he put me on suboxone...finally...whew...i've been doing pretty well since...the suboxone takes away the withdrawals and cravings so i am feeling physically(and mentally) much better...and much better about myself....well...i just wanted to write a quick update...i am still getting used to this new med and it sort of has been making me a little dizzy so i feel i can't write too coherently....thanks again....mlc

Thank you so much for the update, mlc. I've been wondering how it was going for you. It is so good to hear that you are taking these steps towards your recovery. And I'm so glad that you are experiencing a little bit of relief...truly you are an inspiration, because the work you are doing to heal is painfully difficult and ridden with doubts and difficulty- but you are persevering, one step at a time. Hooray for you!
Thank you for sharing.

Hi BB and BG thank you both so much for thinking of me and making me feel like i matter...I've been doing mostly okay...no relapses...still taking the suboxone. Gone are the feeling of tremendous fear and guilt for stealing pills and possibly losing my job, and lying to my T....lately i've been feeling extremely sad and lonely...deep sadness and loneliness...had a session about it and my T was very attuned(word choice?)...we talked about the sadness in my past and about how/why i am afraid of people...she even said she bought a book just for me about social anxiety and making friends...and that we would go through this book together...all of it made me feel so loved by her...and like i mattered...she even told me that i mean alot to her...after the session i was on a post-session high...but i don't think the high was only about feeling 'special to my T'...i think i am starting to feel like i matter to ME...i think...from her care i think i am starting to believe in myself(lke in AG's quote)...well..i gotta go...thanks again you guys...with love...mlc

You are doiong amazing work, mlc, and your T does sound so attuned and caring. I'm glad that you are having some success, even though it means enduring the pain of the sadness of your childhood. I know exactly what you mean about mattering to yourself because you matter to T. Yes, and I think that is just the way it is supposed to go.

You inspire me with your will to overcome. It is much better to be truly sad, than completely numb to pain, I believe.

(((((((mlc))))))

BB

ps- I just reread what I wrote, and wanted to edit- I didn't mean to imply that you only matter because you matter to your T...of course not, you matter regardless. But, it's nice when we can access the feelings about mattering through that connection with a T, it really helps wake that up, is all I meant-

((((((Mlc))))) Hope you are doing well today-


Love,
BB