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17 replies

Truly alone.

dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Everyone,

I am in a weird place with my recovery and just need a kind ear or two (or three). I am at the point where I am very aware of my needs as being completely healthy and normal. This is actually the most affirming place to be in and, a lot of the time, I feel like I have been reborn.

At the same time, because I have such a good, deep and connected relationship with my T, which made all of my healing possible, I am also painfully aware of what I didn't get in my childhood. Unfortunately, other than my T, I am not really getting it in my present either.

As the result of me "waking up" from my trauma, I have lost every relationship I had. This is not an understatement. I am getting a divorce, I am no longer speaking to my sister and I stopped speaking to my mother over two and a half years ago (she was the main perpetrator of my abuse). My father and I mostly communicate by one or two emails every few weeks, and I have learned that that relationship was all in service to his narcissistic needs anyway.

By becoming conscious of what a real relationship can be, I can now see all the dysfunctional relationships I have had. I never had any true friendships or authentic family relationships. All of my so-called "close friends" know I am getting a divorce but not a single one has reached out to contact me to find out how I am managing.

I am striking out anew and trying to create new friendships and relationships but these things don't come easy and I am at the mid-point in my life, so I think that makes it doubly hard.

I am in the midst of the terrible awareness that, other than the two hours I see my T per week, I am absolutely, 100% alone. Other than being generally difficult, this realization also illicits all kinds of emotions from my childhood when I was also 100% alone and being terrorized with no way out.

I am not feeling terror or despair these days, at the intensity I was, but am definitely feeling isolated and lonely. Just wondering if anyone could relate?

I am so glad I have done the hard work to recover from trauma but putting my life back together sure is a long and painful process. Frowner

Thanks for listening.
DBS
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pathwewalkpathwewalkMember
Hi, DBS.

I can relate, and I know how absolutely painful it is. On the one hand, we know how to do this, right? We were alone in various ways as children, and so we know how to survive. But we also know that we need connection.

One of the things that was most shocking when my ex and I were working with counselors (there were numerous Ts) to try to save our marriage was how entrenched my coping mechanisms were -- to the point that the Ts were shocked by his emotional abuse and I had no idea. This is what I knew -- and I wasn't alone, so it was ok. But not really. No surprise, but the marriage didn't survive.

I applaud your efforts to get out and connect with people. I find I ebb and flow. Sometimes I have the strength to put myself out there. Sometimes I just can't. Sometimes I just come here and lurk. Every now and then, I can reply. And your post definitely prompted a reply.

We are here, and many of us can relate. It's not tangible -- that's important to keep working toward -- but it's definitely helpful.

So sorry that you are having to go through the divorce and are so isolated. Everything about it is hard.

affinityaffinityMember
(((DBS)))

So sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. Very often, becoming a healthy person involves a lot of relationship changes. The good thing to remember is that the loneliness is only a temporary, transitional stage. Soon, you'll have new friends.

Many of us can relate to the loneliness inherent in healing. I'm fortunate to have a few supportive people in my life, but no one really understands what I'm going through. Talk to my IRL friends (or spouse) about the erotic transference with my more-than-twice-my-age therapist? Ha, no. I haven't spoken to my dad in probably 8 months or more, and my relationship with my mom has completely changed. I'm honestly not sure if I want to speak to my dad again. Life seems simpler (and safer) without him in it.

Hang in there, Deep Blue. Life is going to be sweeter on the other side of this. I recommend doing what others have suggested: volunteer or join some special interest groups.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((DBS))) I just wanted to send a hug. I have these feelings come up from time-to-time. I haven't experienced a divorce before, but I've had to consider it, and it was a heart-rending experience. I'm so sorry that your friends aren't supporting you through it. Frowner There are times when I look around at almost every relationship in my life and see how fake and superficial almost all of them are. I was a very alone child, often by choice for safety, and have tended to create only the most surface of relationships in my real life, feeling like knowing me is problematic and painful to others. I still haven't figured out how to feel safe being close and developing authentic relationships, but it's one of my goals, and being able to say it is a goal is in itself a major breakthrough for me (it took a lot of work to not be terrified that it was impossible, would fail, or be too painful). I hear a lot of progress in what you've shared, but I'm sorry it's come with some painful realizations. I try to remind myself that the way out is through. It's not that the pain has been caused by this positive shift...just that it's been recognized, and now there is the opportunity to move through it. But, if we can do that, we will be (hopefully mostly) out of that experience of aloneness...and it will become a part of our history, but need not be our present or future. Lots of to you.
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Ms. Control,

Thanks so much for your response. I'm glad you could hear progress in my post. I do know I have made progress, albeit it has taken a long time, but it is nice to know it shows somewhere!

I wanted to support your comment about my post being reassuring. I can truly say that my authentic self has been restored and I have a sustained belief that I am a valuable person that deserves love and connection. I do still experience many negative emotions leftover from when I was a child, but I now know that these are not me, but that they are a result of what was done to me. This enables me to feel braver so I can face and process them. It is still incredibly painful, but I do experience that they are loosening their grip on me as time goes by.

With that said, I appreciate you offering some ideas for me to reach out and find connections. Just the fact that you responded helps. It truly does. I was looking for a community, somewhere, that I know would care and connect with me, and I knew I could find it here, so thank you.

DBS
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Path,

I so appreciate you "delurking" to respond to me. It means a lot. I'm glad I am not the only that feels like they sometimes need to take a break from putting themselves out there. There are definitely times I feel social and other times I really just want to eat potato chips, lay on the couch and watch a movie!

I too look back on my behavior in my marriage and can't even believe what a pushover I was. I get now why it happened but that 20/20 hindsight can be un-nerving to say the least. I had such a low bar set from when I was a child with respect to being loved and seen that I was basically invisible most of my life to the people who were supposed to care the most about me. I am sorry, you too had to go through this incredibly painful experience of having your marriage dissolve, but it sounds like it is good that you are away from the abuse.

Thanks so much for the hug. I needed it, intangible as it is! Smiler
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Affinity,

Thanks for your post. It is so true that if someone hasn't gone through it, they can't really understand what these experiences feel like. I have read postings (not here, in other places) where people, who are heterosexual, think if they enter therapy with a same-sex therapist that will prevent them from "falling in love" with them. This is SO not the case! I actually developed transference once for someone who was not a therapist at all but was in a care-giver type role and it was a woman. I had no idea why I felt this way at the time. It did concern me a bit, given that has never happened to me before. Now that I am in therapy (my T is a man) I get why it happened back then. But how to explain that to someone who doesn't understand all that projection and transference stuff in an experiential way?

I am sorry to hear that your family relationships have also changed. I am glad your life is better without your father in it, no matter how difficult that separation may be. My life is definitely more safe without my mother in it. It is hard to comprehend how I got through all those years being so triggered and invaded and abused for all those years.

Thanks for sending an inkling of the sweetness of life on the other side my way. I appreciate it! Smiler
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Yakusoku,

It is really devastating to look around at your circle of relationships and realize they are not meaningful. I am sorry that you too have experienced this.

I know the way is through. This realization has brought a lot of tears my way in the past week or two. Then my T went on a break! Not good timing. In some ways though, it gave me time to really sink into the feelings of isolation. While painful, it is the way to process them.

The only thoughts I had regarding your comment about feeling safe and developing authentic relationships is to keep doing what ever you are doing that is helping you to realize it is even a goal. I have learned this process of coming to value ourselves and build new trustworthy connections takes as long as it takes. I have also learned that it can't be done in isolation. That is why the therapy relationship is so incredibly critical to heal. We have to experience a safe, trusting relationship somewhere to be able to generalize that everywhere.

The hard part has been, for me, realizing that there are many people out there I can't relate to because they are unable to connect as fully as I want. I wish to have deep, meaningful connections and this is how I know I will get them, because I know now, in a meaningful, experiential way, what that feels like. I think it is hard to find people, in the real world, who can be vulnerable and open to experiencing the same thing. We are all wounded in our own way. I hope I don't sound too negative when I say all this, but being alone makes me feel particularly despairing of finding meaningful connection anytime soon.

I know I can find understanding and virtual connection here with people willing to share and relate. Thanks so much.
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Liese,

Your question does make sense. Not sure I can provide any clarity for you, but I can tell you you what I think of. My T told me that eventually you develop a kinship with people. This is not a replacement for what the FOO should have been but it is a way to create a new community or "family". This obviously takes time however.

It's interesting because, as I said, thanks to having a very connected relationship with my T, I know what I should be looking for in the real world, but not sure the real world is always looking for that back! You know what I mean?
I was alluding to this in my previous post to Yakosuko.

What I do believe, very deeply, is now that I know what it is supposed to feel like I actually have a much better chance of finding it. I never would have (and didn't) before.

I hope that helps. If you have more that comes to mind please ask!
skylynxskylynxMember
I'm also near the stage of therapy you speak of and my life is a lot like yours, with no one to care much about, and "divorced" from harmful relatives. What I think you should do is stay close to your T for a duration longer. she's all you have now, so would seem harmful to your progress, even, to try to separate. I've read a lot about therapy and do know that achieving independence is an ultimate goal, when you feel ready, not her. I just believe that it's too early for you and would even set you back to face the "grieving and separation" stage now. If you detach from T now, you have no place to land. You need to have some firm footing in relationships, or strength, before even thinking of doing without T. At least this is what I hope for myself and also what I've read in the books about therapy.
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Skylynx,

I appreciate you responding to my post. I am sorry you feel a sense of isolation, as well. I do agree with you that I need to stay close to my T. I actually have no intention of leaving him anytime soon. I really can't even imagine not having him in my life. He has been absolutely integral to my healing and I totally depend upon him to always be there for me when the "real world" can't. In fact, because I am feeling so alone, and I can make it happen, I have increased my frequency of sessions temporarily so I can feel connected to someone.

What is painful is having that close and connected relationship with my T and realizing that finding a similar relationship in real life is rare. I know now that had I had a better childhood that I would have been more likely to have had real relationships but now, it is what it is and I have to bear the pain.

That pain can be excruciating at times. I think talking about it and sharing with others who understand helps mitigate it somewhat but, at the end of the day, feeling it and living through it is the only option.

I actually told my T last night that I would rather be alone but feeling pain and passion and anger and joy than be what I was before I began to recover from my trauma. Back then I was like the walking dead. I was alive but absolutely cut off and dead inside. That is no way to live.
L longroadMember
Hi DpBluSee,

quote:
I actually told my T last night that I would rather be alone but feeling pain and passion and anger and joy than be what I was before I began to recover from my trauma. Back then I was like the walking dead. I was alive but absolutely cut off and dead inside. That is no way to live.


I can so relate to what you are saying. When I reached out for therapy 2yrs ago when I felt myself coming apart at the seams I knew despite how hard therapy may become I couldn't go on like this. That is no way for anyone to live. Thank you for sharing that.

LongRoad
L lieseMember
((((DPS))))

quote:
My T told me that eventually you develop a kinship with people. This is not a replacement for what the FOO should have been but it is a way to create a new community or "family". This obviously takes time however.


That's an interesting way of looking at it. Aside from my last T, the last time I formed a really deep attachment was when I had my first child. I formed attachments with my other children as well but don't remember anything like the first. I guess that's what I think attachment feels like and not to have it feels a bit jarring. I don't know if it's because I'm damaged permanently or if that's the way it's supposed to feel. Sometimes I just don't think I feel much at all but I know that I'm supposed to act more caring and kind towards my children and so I do.

And sometimes I feel like a part of me is still looking for that love and it just happens automatically. Then another part realizes what is going on and pulls in the reins a bit.

quote:
It's interesting because, as I said, thanks to having a very connected relationship with my T, I know what I should be looking for in the real world, but not sure the real world is always looking for that back! You know what I mean?


Yes I think I know what you mean. Unless someone has gone to therapy, we still have to deal with all their defenses, etc. It also seems that there is still quite a stigma attached to exposing one's vulnerable feelings and since that seems to be the path to intimacy, it's hard to come by.

I've noticed, though, that my ability to be empathic has increased and I don't take things personally the same way I used to anymore. This has helped me quite a bit with my more casual friendships, form that sort of kinship, so to speak. I suppose the kinship I feel is an understanding of sorts that even if someone has a different or conflicting agenda, I understand that it's all coming from the same basic needs and we are all in the same boat in that regard. So there is more empathy even when I just don't quite get someone. Does that make sense?
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi Liese,

So, since I am just forging out to try to find new "kinship" with people, I can only tell you what my gut instinct is about this, rather than knowing, from practice in real life (outside of the therapy relationship), what it actually feels like.

I was referring more to adult relationships rather than a relationship to a child. I do think relationships to children improve as well, but, in this case I was referring to something that was on an equal level, so I think an attachment to a child would feel differently than with another adult. That said, I think there are times when in an adult relationship one person is more in need, as a child would be, and then the roles switch, hopefully, so each person can be there as support for the other.

I too feel more empathy for others. I am much more tolerant and less quick to become frustrated, etc. I now have an awareness of what is operating underneath the surface, so this has allowed me to be more compassionate. When I think of kinship, I think of it as something very significant and meaningful. I sense that it would be something more akin to a family member or very close friend. Those people, I think, would have to be more aligned with my awareness and sensibility. I think I would have more of an emotional investment and attachment to them. I would "love" them. Truthfully, I just said this to my T that I just can't really "do" anything less anymore. I need deep connection, now that I know what it feels like, so it is hard for me to settle for something less. Unfortunately, that means I am likely to endure loneliness for awhile.

I hope that makes sense too!
aboutaboutMember
Hi DpBluSee,

I just wanted to say how this topic resonates with me, and with my current understanding of relationships.
I am blessed enough to have some very deep and meaningful friendships, and I try very hard to keep them alive and true.
However, I realise how my family cannot fill that role.
I don't know how to "fix" that, sorry, I just... became aware of it.

I guess I am just completely useless, but I think that becoming aware of it, rather than just feeling the pain from it, bringing it into my awareness makes it more... manageable, it is something that I could have an impact on instead of bearing it silently?
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi About,

Thanks so much for your reply. I am glad you have some deep, meaningful friendships. I think this is what I am talking about. I have no family members left that will ever be the relationships that I need. They are all too unconscious and caught up in their own defenses. They don't or are incapable of doing the work to change. They certainly don't want to be around me any more.

I hope that, someday, I will have new people in my life that will become like the family I never had. I know they can't ever be the same, just, hopefully enough so that I can feel connected while I am here.

I agree with you about the awareness. When I originally went in to talk to my T, I asked him how to change what was going on in my life and he said "Consciousness". To me this means that as you bring things into your conscious awareness you can begin the healing process and also make choices about how you will engage with the world. It makes a huge difference. Truly life-changing. I wish there was a way, in doing this, that I could skip the "feeling all the pain" step, but that is not possible!

You are not completely useless, Wink my purpose in posting was not to have anyone give me any answers, it was more about sharing with others who have been there and can understand. You were very useful in doing that! So thanks!
L lieseMember
(((DPS)))

I like that when you think of kinship, you think of something that is very meangingful. When I read it, my first impression was that it was sort of a general kind of feeling connected to everyone because we understand now that we are all trying to get the same things for ourselves but I like the way you see it better.

quote:
I was referring more to adult relationships rather than a relationship to a child


I wasn't referring to an equal/unequal vs. an equal/equal type of thing. I was referring to the last time I can recall having strong attachment feelings towards anyone, aside from my last T, when I felt that deep tie to someone, anyone. Emotionally I am pretty broken so now I act because I think I should but I don't feel those deep ties to anyone that I think I should feel. Maybe I really do feel them and I just don't know it but, mostly, I feel like someone who has been so beat up in a war that they just don't care anymore.

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