SprintingGal,
That sounds really rough. But I think you handled it really well by just going on by. I know that must have been incredibly hard but in the long run probably less painful (although I'm definitely talking in a relative sense.)
And yes, it is like a crush on a celebrity because you don't know him, but when's the last time a celebrity cared for you while fighting off a life-threatening disease? I think its trivializing your feelings to just reduce it to that. You interacted with him extensively and from what you've shared in the past, he wasn't exactly stoical. I just don't want you thinking that you're somehow overreacting or being over the top.
I am sorry though, I know how unsettling I would have found that. I'm glad you came here.
AG
quote:Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
SprintingGal,
That sounds really rough. But I think you handled it really well by just going on by. I know that must have been incredibly hard but in the long run probably less painful (although I'm definitely talking in a relative sense.)
And yes, it is like a crush on a celebrity because you don't know him, but when's the last time a celebrity cared for you while fighting off a life-threatening disease? I think its trivializing your feelings to just reduce it to that. You interacted with him extensively and from what you've shared in the past, he wasn't exactly stoical. I just don't want you thinking that you're somehow overreacting or being over the top.
I am sorry though, I know how unsettling I would have found that. I'm glad you came here.
AG
I believe my T wants to "reprogram" me to think of him in that way in order to reduce my angst but I think it is an over-simplification. At this point I don't believe that Cognitive-Behavioral therapy can help me with this.
You are exactly right, he was not stoic about much of it, and when he put that solemn face on when we saw each other, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was his doctor act and it infuriated me! I want to say, "Dr. X, it is ME. I know it's an act so it doesn't work on me anymore. Aren't we past all that?" I thought I was special to him and then suddenly I wasn't.
I have always fantasized about running into him out in the world. Though I had that fantasy, I never considered the complications of it. I felt naked and he felt like a complete stranger. For the first time I felt the power imbalance; I have been uncharacteristically forthcoming to him about all of the emotions I have felt about my illness. I usually say nothing! The fact that this intimacy is one-sided, that I essentially know nothing about him became all too clear. Here is this stranger, "out in the world," who knows all about me. It honestly makes me nauseous and in fact, I have not eaten much since I saw him. I just have no appetite!
I want to say that it shattered the transference as the reality of the situation has become clearer to me. I do not know him. I know nothing about him. He could be anyone and capable of anything. He has all of this private information about me and I don't like it. I feel that if I don't believe I know him, I can't trust him with that information and I can't trust him to keep me well. I would have never revealed all that I revealed to him if he had not let down his guard with me, no question.
Okay, I'm rambling now...
SprintingGal... I understand how you are feeling to some extent... here is this guy walking down the street who knows so much about your inner feelings and this is scary. That makes you feel vulnerable and that is also what makes you feel so uncomfortable. But your doctor is bound by confidentiality so, unless he is totally without ethics, I believe your information is safe.
I actually had this discussion with my T a few weeks ago. I asked him what he would do if he ran into me (or me and my family) out on the street or in a restaurant. He told me he would not say hello or acknowledge me. I pretty much figured that would be his answer. And I understand he would behave that way to protect me and the confidentiality of the situation. I smiled though and I told him that I would definitely say hello and exchange pleasantries with him. Just wanted to "warn" him LOL.
And yes, this doctor/patient relationship is very one sided and I have come to accept that it needs to be this way for our own good. I will tell you that even though I would say hello to my T it would not leave me unaffected. Especially if he were with his family. That would defiitely bother me and leave me reeling with the fact that he has this other life that I cannot know about or be part of.
So I do think your reactions are pretty normal and you did not really over react. I'm sorry you had to suffer with this incident.
TN
I actually had this discussion with my T a few weeks ago. I asked him what he would do if he ran into me (or me and my family) out on the street or in a restaurant. He told me he would not say hello or acknowledge me. I pretty much figured that would be his answer. And I understand he would behave that way to protect me and the confidentiality of the situation. I smiled though and I told him that I would definitely say hello and exchange pleasantries with him. Just wanted to "warn" him LOL.
And yes, this doctor/patient relationship is very one sided and I have come to accept that it needs to be this way for our own good. I will tell you that even though I would say hello to my T it would not leave me unaffected. Especially if he were with his family. That would defiitely bother me and leave me reeling with the fact that he has this other life that I cannot know about or be part of.
So I do think your reactions are pretty normal and you did not really over react. I'm sorry you had to suffer with this incident.
TN
I am not fearful of him literally breaking confidentiality. It is a little more abstract than that.
I am trying to take responsibility for my own projections here, I really am. HOWEVER, it is a fact that he has blurred the boundaries between us already. While nothing patently improper has happened, I believe it is impossible to go back. He cannot act like he is present and sincerely cares about me one time, then detached and icy the next and expect me to not feel confused, vulnerable, or threatened. There is no consistency so I, in fact, do not "know" who I am dealing with! Am I dealing with a detached doctor who is trying to cure my illness or an emotionally engaged man who wants to save me?
Geez, this is more complicated than I initially realized. I thought it was all me and now I don't believe that.
I am trying to take responsibility for my own projections here, I really am. HOWEVER, it is a fact that he has blurred the boundaries between us already. While nothing patently improper has happened, I believe it is impossible to go back. He cannot act like he is present and sincerely cares about me one time, then detached and icy the next and expect me to not feel confused, vulnerable, or threatened. There is no consistency so I, in fact, do not "know" who I am dealing with! Am I dealing with a detached doctor who is trying to cure my illness or an emotionally engaged man who wants to save me?
Geez, this is more complicated than I initially realized. I thought it was all me and now I don't believe that.
Wow, I wonder how I would react if I saw my T out in public? I often have the possiblity of it running in the back of my mind even though we live an hour apart and it is highly unlikely. I always thought that if I noticed her at a distance I would stay back and respect her privacy. If we made eye contact I would definitely smile and say hello but not approach her. The thought of it actually happening would frighten me. And if she didn't at least say hello back I would be upset. Afterall I'm not going to see her at some restaurant and invite myself to dine with her or introduce myself to her family. I think a casual greeting would be polite depending on the circumstance.
Oddly enough, I happened to arrive at the parking structure at about the same time she did just before one of my appointments and seen her getting out of her car and I wouldn't even park next to her. I got out of my car and tried to walk a few steps behind her thinking she probably didn't know I was there. She slowed down looking for something in her purse so I finally made a remark so that she would know I was coming up behind her and wouldn't startle her. We talked as we walked along the sidewalk to the office but I felt a little intrusive eventhough I know I wasn't. But at least I was on my way to an appointment with her and not just taken by surprise. The way you describe it would be very awkward. I understand why you would want to run away.
I wonder if you should talk to him the next time you see him professionally. I can't remember if you said you were finished seeing him or not. He should know that avoiding what happened with the boundaries is not productive, but he may also be afraid of your expectations and does not want to risk hurting or disappointing you. I don't know that I am right on this, but I can sympathize with your mixed emotions.
(((SprintingGal)))
Oddly enough, I happened to arrive at the parking structure at about the same time she did just before one of my appointments and seen her getting out of her car and I wouldn't even park next to her. I got out of my car and tried to walk a few steps behind her thinking she probably didn't know I was there. She slowed down looking for something in her purse so I finally made a remark so that she would know I was coming up behind her and wouldn't startle her. We talked as we walked along the sidewalk to the office but I felt a little intrusive eventhough I know I wasn't. But at least I was on my way to an appointment with her and not just taken by surprise. The way you describe it would be very awkward. I understand why you would want to run away.
quote:it is a fact that he has blurred the boundaries between us already. While nothing patently improper has happened, I believe it is impossible to go back. He cannot act like he is present and sincerely cares about me one time, then detached and icy the next and expect me to not feel confused, vulnerable, or threatened. There is no consistency so I, in fact, do not "know" who I am dealing with! Am I dealing with a detached doctor who is trying to cure my illness or an emotionally engaged man who wants to save me?
I wonder if you should talk to him the next time you see him professionally. I can't remember if you said you were finished seeing him or not. He should know that avoiding what happened with the boundaries is not productive, but he may also be afraid of your expectations and does not want to risk hurting or disappointing you. I don't know that I am right on this, but I can sympathize with your mixed emotions.
(((SprintingGal)))
Hi I'm new I'm having problems that I think may be transference. I wish that my therapist was my mum. I'm a young person and I think this may have something to do with it. Can anyone explain this. After reading about what happened to Charlotte i don't think i should tell my therapist.
Hi Emerald, welcome to the forum. 
Wishing your therapist was your mother is common around here as I am sure you have realized in your reading this thread. It is nothing to feel ashamed about and it is a very natural occurance in therapy given its unique setting. So I hope first off all that you feel assured of that.
What happened with Charlotte is not a typical therapist reaction to what is simply labled transference. All and all, despite her tremendously difficult experience, her T handled her peticular situation in a very appropriate manner and I believe that she would tell you that herself, but it was certainly painful nonetheless and I understand your worries as far as that goes. It is a client's worse nightmare to feel rejected and abandoned by their therapist especially after disclosing such personal and sometimes humiliating feelings.
There is so much to be said about transference it's impossible to know where to start w/o knowing what you are already aware of and what sort of questions you have. I assume you have already read Shrinklady's page on transference on her website? If not that is a good place to start. Otherwise I could write novel about stuff you already know when you might in fact have a more direct question. And I don't want to do that to you.
I am 43 years old and I wish my T was my mom too. I really do. And I told her this and other transference feelings and she is ok with it. But this is something that YOU have to be ready to disclose and that is based on your trust and what you already know about your relationship with your T. I was in therapy for 3-4 months before I told my T what I was feeling and that is because it was tormenting me and I thought something was wrong with me. I confessed my feelings eventhough I was terrified she would terminate me. I even told her that and she assured me that would not happen. She was very gentle and understanding.
She also helped mme to undertsand that having transference feelings and trying to act on them are two different things. We can work through transference but if it becomes an obsession to act on then that is what becomes unworkable. And eventhoughit feels obsessive sometimes, I am not inclined to act it out. I hope that makes sense emerald.
Can I ask, how long have you been in therapy?
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask and to post all you need.
JM
Wishing your therapist was your mother is common around here as I am sure you have realized in your reading this thread. It is nothing to feel ashamed about and it is a very natural occurance in therapy given its unique setting. So I hope first off all that you feel assured of that.
What happened with Charlotte is not a typical therapist reaction to what is simply labled transference. All and all, despite her tremendously difficult experience, her T handled her peticular situation in a very appropriate manner and I believe that she would tell you that herself, but it was certainly painful nonetheless and I understand your worries as far as that goes. It is a client's worse nightmare to feel rejected and abandoned by their therapist especially after disclosing such personal and sometimes humiliating feelings.
There is so much to be said about transference it's impossible to know where to start w/o knowing what you are already aware of and what sort of questions you have. I assume you have already read Shrinklady's page on transference on her website? If not that is a good place to start. Otherwise I could write novel about stuff you already know when you might in fact have a more direct question. And I don't want to do that to you.
I am 43 years old and I wish my T was my mom too. I really do. And I told her this and other transference feelings and she is ok with it. But this is something that YOU have to be ready to disclose and that is based on your trust and what you already know about your relationship with your T. I was in therapy for 3-4 months before I told my T what I was feeling and that is because it was tormenting me and I thought something was wrong with me. I confessed my feelings eventhough I was terrified she would terminate me. I even told her that and she assured me that would not happen. She was very gentle and understanding.
She also helped mme to undertsand that having transference feelings and trying to act on them are two different things. We can work through transference but if it becomes an obsession to act on then that is what becomes unworkable. And eventhoughit feels obsessive sometimes, I am not inclined to act it out. I hope that makes sense emerald.
Can I ask, how long have you been in therapy?
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask and to post all you need.
JM
Hi Emerald,
I wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums! I can certainly relate to how your feeling. I worked with my first therapist for a lot of years on and off and I went through a stage with her where I very intensely longed for her to be my mother. As I worked it through I came to realize that I saw in her qualities I would have loved for my mom to have had, but she didn't. It helped to recognize and mourn my losses.
Our relationships with our Ts are so close and intimate that they often stir up our feelings surrounding our unmet needs. This is where the work of therapy often gets done. It's healthy that your are wanting connection with her. And I understand your fear of discussing your feelings with her, but how you're feeling really isn't uncommon and it could really be helpful to discuss how you're feeling with her.
JM, very wisely, suggested reading Shrinklady's transference page. There's also a lot of good info in the transference threads Upate on Transference and reading from the beginning of this one.
We're glad you found this place and you introduced yourself. Let me echo JM, that we hope you feel free to share any feelings you want to talk about and ask any questions you want to.
AG
I wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums! I can certainly relate to how your feeling. I worked with my first therapist for a lot of years on and off and I went through a stage with her where I very intensely longed for her to be my mother. As I worked it through I came to realize that I saw in her qualities I would have loved for my mom to have had, but she didn't. It helped to recognize and mourn my losses.
Our relationships with our Ts are so close and intimate that they often stir up our feelings surrounding our unmet needs. This is where the work of therapy often gets done. It's healthy that your are wanting connection with her. And I understand your fear of discussing your feelings with her, but how you're feeling really isn't uncommon and it could really be helpful to discuss how you're feeling with her.
JM, very wisely, suggested reading Shrinklady's transference page. There's also a lot of good info in the transference threads Upate on Transference and reading from the beginning of this one.
We're glad you found this place and you introduced yourself. Let me echo JM, that we hope you feel free to share any feelings you want to talk about and ask any questions you want to.
AG
Hello Everyone, I hope you all had good holidays...I hope that you are all doing good in the "transference" world...Haha...if that is possible...I actually had a good visit with my new Ms. T. today...I saw old Mr. T. and actually was able to say, "Hello, How were your holidays?" he even answered...fine and yours too I hope...I thought I would fall apart later, but was really proud of the fact that it didn't throw me for a loop...I am excited...I didn't think much about him thru the holidays...but have wondered what he got his wife, and vice versa...stupid I guess..but Rome wasn't built in a day...I also have another new shrink as well...I have only seen him 1 time...not sure at this point what I think of him...but I am keeping my guard up...i do not want round 2 of this thing...Talk to you guys later...Have a Happy New Year!..Charlotte
Hey Charlotte! It's nice to hear from you! I hope the holidays treated you ok. Sounds like you are getting along pretty good and I am glad to hear that things are working out between you and Ms. T. I am sure the other will take some time, but you are an amazingly strong woman. And I don't blame you for being on gaurd with the new T. But I admire your strength and determination. I am so glad you checked in to say hello.
JM
JM
Hi All, and Happy New Year,
Would having dreams about your therapist constitute transference? I suppose it would. Here's why I ask:
This week, my T asked if we could change the time of day of our appt from 6:30pm to 9:00am. I said fine, but it just meant that I'd have to get up pretty early to get there (he's a ways away from where I live).
The night before our meeting, I woke up with terrible anxiety, and once I finally got back to sleep, I had dreams all night of being late to the appointment, and I even dreamt of talking to him about it.
Yesterday in our session, we talked about it and established that I was actually angry and resentful that he asked me to change times because - basically - I felt he was putting his convenience before our relationship. Well, of course this was the case...this is exactly what I felt. And because I am trying to get from him what I never got from my father, well, I'm just a tad sensitive about it.
He then suggested that the fact that I got anxious about - and dreamt of - me being late instead dreaming that he would be late shows that, once again, I take things and turn them against myself. He said, "what about being pissed at me for changing appointment times and instead of rushing to get here, take your time and get here when you can. After all, I changed the time, you didn't."
Again, it comes down to me turning anger against myself instead of where it should be directed, and not standing up for myself...just like I've done my whole life with my father.
Thoughts?
BTW, thanks for all the wonderful support, everyone. This place has been a really, really valuable resource to me.
Russ
Would having dreams about your therapist constitute transference? I suppose it would. Here's why I ask:
This week, my T asked if we could change the time of day of our appt from 6:30pm to 9:00am. I said fine, but it just meant that I'd have to get up pretty early to get there (he's a ways away from where I live).
The night before our meeting, I woke up with terrible anxiety, and once I finally got back to sleep, I had dreams all night of being late to the appointment, and I even dreamt of talking to him about it.
Yesterday in our session, we talked about it and established that I was actually angry and resentful that he asked me to change times because - basically - I felt he was putting his convenience before our relationship. Well, of course this was the case...this is exactly what I felt. And because I am trying to get from him what I never got from my father, well, I'm just a tad sensitive about it.
He then suggested that the fact that I got anxious about - and dreamt of - me being late instead dreaming that he would be late shows that, once again, I take things and turn them against myself. He said, "what about being pissed at me for changing appointment times and instead of rushing to get here, take your time and get here when you can. After all, I changed the time, you didn't."
Again, it comes down to me turning anger against myself instead of where it should be directed, and not standing up for myself...just like I've done my whole life with my father.
Thoughts?
BTW, thanks for all the wonderful support, everyone. This place has been a really, really valuable resource to me.
Russ
quote:instead of rushing to get here, take your time and get here when you can
Just curious Russ, does this mean that your appt starts when you get there and goes for the full session time? Every minute I am late I pay for since we still end on time because she has another client waiting who doesn't want to go in late.
I wake up at 4am to get to work by 5:30. Even after two years of this schedule I still don't sleep very well because of the anticipation of having to get up so early and dream a lot about being late to work and missing my carpool.
I am glad you talked to your T about it, it does sound like the time change and how you internalized the feeling you had about it were definitely a replay of your past. Isn't it nice when this stuff happens and it directly relates to past experiences? It makes learning the new lesson and how to handle it that much easier.
quote:
Just curious Russ, does this mean that your appt starts when you get there and goes for the full session time? Every minute I am late I pay for since we still end on time because she has another client waiting who doesn't want to go in late.
River, this was kind of an unusual situation since it was yesterday (New Year's Eve). He had plenty of time after my appt. to make up if one of us was late. In fact, he ended up being 10 minutes late. But usually, he does have other people before/after me.
quote:
Isn't it nice when this stuff happens and it directly relates to past experiences? It makes learning the new lesson and how to handle it that much easier.
Absolutely!
Hi Thanks for the replies, im thinking of discussing that I have feelings of wanting her to be my mum. What is the best way to say this?
I think it is important to discuss it. When she talks about doing stuff with her duaghters i wish i was the daughter that she was doing things with.
I yearn for it. Is that wrong?
I started therapy with her about 3 and a half years ago and she is a psychotherapist i was really resistant to being close to her and still sometimes am worried about it.
transference is so confusing when your in the middle of it. I dont think its a bad thing just another thing to work thru.
I think it is important to discuss it. When she talks about doing stuff with her duaghters i wish i was the daughter that she was doing things with.
I yearn for it. Is that wrong?
I started therapy with her about 3 and a half years ago and she is a psychotherapist i was really resistant to being close to her and still sometimes am worried about it.
transference is so confusing when your in the middle of it. I dont think its a bad thing just another thing to work thru.
quote:I think it is important to discuss it. When she talks about doing stuff with her duaghters i wish i was the daughter that she was doing things with.
I yearn for it. Is that wrong?
Emerald, I don't think that's wrong at all. I think it's quite natural to have those feelings for our T's. And just so you know, I have told my T I have these feelings. That I wish I was her daughter, I wish I could be her "little" girl and sit on her lap. And she accepts these expressions just fine. Her acceptance feels so validating.
Once during session I was crying and I told her I wish she could hold me. She told me to imagine her holding me. To do so in her presence was quite different, but she accepted it and encouraged it.
I think we all resist getting close. It is our experience that closeness means danger. But with our T's we learn it means something safe and acceptable.
Perhaps the best way to say it is to express that you do not want to act on it, but that you have some feelings about her that you really need to discuss. Some of us have written letters and emails that we send to them before our sessions when we have something too troubling to say in person, but we know we need to express. Then when we go to our next session it’s already on the table.
I hope this helps.
Emerald,
I don't think its wrong at all to feel like you wish you were the daughter she was doing things with. I had some really strong reactions to my T's last vacation part of which was the frustration of knowing his family knew him in a way I couldn't and how much I longed to be part of a family like his (which I have a tendency to idealize, but my T certainly recognized where the longing was coming from.) I've talked to him about wanting to be two years old so I could climb up in his lap and experience a safe embrace, I've talked to him about romantic/erotic attractions and even recently, how much I regretted the boundaries because a discussion came up in a couples session with my husband about a subject I'm really interested in in which my T has done extensive reading (he's one of the most intellectually curious people I've ever met which I find extremely appealing in a person). I told him at our next session that as much as I am grateful for the boundaries and how much I understand how necessary they are to our work together, I just wanted to crack open a couple bottles of red wine and talk for a few hours. I have even told my T that I loved him (in a non-romantic sense). Every time I've expressed any of these emotions or longings he has been completely accepting and understanding of my feelings. Working through how I feel, what I long for and why has been a really important part of our work together.
These feelings are happening for a reason and are a sign of a healthy reaching out for relationship. Talking about it with your T would be a really good thing.
AG
I don't think its wrong at all to feel like you wish you were the daughter she was doing things with. I had some really strong reactions to my T's last vacation part of which was the frustration of knowing his family knew him in a way I couldn't and how much I longed to be part of a family like his (which I have a tendency to idealize, but my T certainly recognized where the longing was coming from.) I've talked to him about wanting to be two years old so I could climb up in his lap and experience a safe embrace, I've talked to him about romantic/erotic attractions and even recently, how much I regretted the boundaries because a discussion came up in a couples session with my husband about a subject I'm really interested in in which my T has done extensive reading (he's one of the most intellectually curious people I've ever met which I find extremely appealing in a person). I told him at our next session that as much as I am grateful for the boundaries and how much I understand how necessary they are to our work together, I just wanted to crack open a couple bottles of red wine and talk for a few hours. I have even told my T that I loved him (in a non-romantic sense). Every time I've expressed any of these emotions or longings he has been completely accepting and understanding of my feelings. Working through how I feel, what I long for and why has been a really important part of our work together.
These feelings are happening for a reason and are a sign of a healthy reaching out for relationship. Talking about it with your T would be a really good thing.
AG
Hey everyone, Charlotte here with some issues at hand this week. First I would like to thank Russ for sharing his session. it opened up a new view to some things I have been tossing around.I have therapy every Tuesday with Ms. T...(for those of you that don't know me, I have transference feelings for my old Mr. T...but he referred me to the new woman in his office so he could work with me from the sidelines...she discusses all our sessions with him and he does not see me...he speaks in the office but that is the extent...I really fell hard when he told me he couldn't work with me anymore...i just about went over the edge...He is a great doctor...and so kind and gentle) but alot of support came from this site...especially Just Me & Attachment Girl...who have great words of wisdom BTW...listen carefully when the tell you anything....but anyway all that to say this; I thought I was doing really good the last few weeks...back on course...not dwelling on Mr. T...somewhat dieting, exercising, and getting it together...then BAM!! Problem #1; My husband and I have been having problems for the last year (which started this whole mess with Mr. T) ..Well NYear's night, we were intimate. At least I thought I was, he was somewhere else...it was almost a chore it seemed for him...I got so uptight, I couldn't sleep or eat...and haven't done either since then...and now Mr. T is in my every thought and activity...I have called his office several times after hours just to hear his voice...I have my new Ms. T's personal cell #, but I refuse to call it..WHY???...I called her last time something like this happened, and she calmed me right down...but this time, I don't want her to call and let her calm me down...I want to be in this situation....It is getting the best of me...I'm tired, I'm ill, I have a killer headache...and I just don't give a ____!!...Somebody out there tell me what I need to do...I can't seem to do it on my own...they are both Psych-neurologist's that have been helping me with some brain injury issues.... Now Problem # 2; (it never ends!) Mr. T referred me to a regular shrink for medication purposes, etc...I'll call him Mr. T2...Well at our 1st visit last week...Mr. T2 tells me that transference is not an uncommon problem you all know that story....and that Mr. T did the most professional thing possible by referring me to a female T. to help him...yadayadayada. then after listening to me..he tells m that he thinks this stems from when I was 2 years old and my biological mom left us standing on the front porch with my dad (4 girls; 2,4,6,7 yrs old) for alcohol and pills...and that I had been carrying around this feeling of abandonment towards her my whole life...okay I thought it was about me and my husband's problems...so now i'm confused?? well that wasn't good enough...My biological mom calls me and ask's can she spend the night at my house the Friday after Christmas...we always have our Christmas with my sisters and her the Saturday afterwards...She has never spent the night with me...hardly been to my house in the 30 years i been married...and doesn't even acknowledge my children's birthdays...etc...she was an alcholic and had a nervous breakdown when she left us...well, she came...it was so weird..I had alot of resentment towards her...but was it legit or just because Mr. T2 suggested it??...I really tried to make it special for her because she had never done this before...she is 78 and can't drive he distance...celebrate...and drive back the same day like she usually does...it's too much for her...but she has always stayed somewhere else at a cousins or something...Why now...I am afraid she might be dying...it was so weird...but I was so glad when she was headed back to her home..(2 hours away)...I literally laid down that Saturday evening about 6:00pm...and could not even focus...or eat...or hardly get to the bathroom and back...and I did not get up out of the bed until Monday!!!!...and I SLEPT THE ENTIRE TIME!!! I never sleep more than 4 hours a night...if that much...I'm sorry I wrote you all a book...but I am stressing my brain into a Coma...I have cleaned every closet in my house...took all the pictures down washed the walls...packed up all the stuff i could take to goodwill...consignments..took back returnsfrom Christmas...shopped until i dropped...(then I take it all back the next day)...I am ready to go back to work Monday...not really 
..good news though...I've lost 10.5 pounds since Christmas day...Help me out guys.
Thanks, Charlotte
..good news though...I've lost 10.5 pounds since Christmas day...Help me out guys. Thanks, Charlotte
PS Guys...to top it all off...I have really been thinnking all day about how sexy and good looking my new unmarried Mr. T2 is!! Oh God...I'm such a loser!!!I can't take a double dose of transference....it will kill me......help...I'm so $*@(!(#(#!)() Stupid!!...What am I gonna do...Well Happy New Year to Charlotte!!!!
Charlotte-I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. It sounds like your emotions and nervous system are clambering all over. You’re going through a great deal of stress and I’m glad you came around for support. You are such a fighter! I can see that all of your issues that you mention seem singular in of themselves, yet they are also quite connected I think, as Mr. T 2 pointed out in regards to abandonment issues and transference. What happened to you in your childhood has continued to affect you in your everyday life and relationships.
1) What you are experiencing with your husband are serious relationship issues that he needs to be willing to work out too and you are not responsible for his short-comings. That is no reflection on you although I am sure it feels like it is. His not being there for you emotionally especially during intimacy is abandonment and that triggers unseen and very powerful feelings in you. Of course you are going to resort back to the feelings of security and care that Mr T offered you in your devastatingly short relationship. That’s not wrong nor is it a problem; it is actually useful to identify the heart of what you are feeling emotionally, and what you need and what you long for. Don’t stuff it, but talk to Ms T about it.
Which leads me to say; CALL HER! She is there for you and has given you a direct personal line for you to reach out to her. Your mom never did that. Somehow you believe that you have to stay in the misery and chaos. That this is where you belong in this world. But that’s not true Charlotte. You’re stuck and that’s where you brazenly and so honestly admit you want to be, because you don’t know anything else and you’re afraid of anything else. You’re afraid that Ms. T is going to abandon you too and you’re not willing to let her hurt you that way. But yet you know she won’t abandon you. You are cognitively aware that she is different. The problem is what you sense and experience about abandonment and what you experience and what you know about Ms. T are taking place in different parts of the brain. Eventually as you test your relationship with her, you will experience that she is different and your response to her will become just as it needs to be. (I hope this makes sense)
2) Your mom shows up in the midst of all this is certainly going to trigger some old stuff because you are processing it deep inside whether you are aware of it or not. If there was any suggestibility from your T it is only because it was already going on inside anyway. BTW: The therapeutic relationship is a highly suggestible arena. That’s why it works.
Your resentment is well founded but is also a barrier to the deeper emotions, the hurt and grief that you need to access that her abandoning you has created. You felt the resentment because it was safer than the pain and you were able to stuff that easier as you had to “take care” of your mom and make her visit special. BTW: That is a beautiful gesture you made for her. But now it’s time to give back to Charlotte. After all that you probably felt honored that she stayed with you and spent time with you and your family. That was probably very hard to let go of and watch her leave again, yet I am sure it was also a relief when she did. You have a lot to process here Charlotte. But take it slow, it will all come out eventually.
You’re afraid she might be dying because she is 78 years old _and_ you have so many unresolved issues with her. I am sure as you watched her leave you may have wondered if that was the last time you might see her. My dad is 83 and I think about that every time I say good-bye.
So it sounds like you’ve been run through the mill again Charlotte. I really wish I could help more. But one last thing, the most important thing I want to say again because it bears repeating: CALL Ms. T! And again, I am glad you came here for support and using your resources like you are. You are doing good. It’s time to slow down though. This is the biggest concern I have for you right now. You have a lot going on and I am sure that your brain injury makes it difficult for your nervous system to self-regulate, so it is going to require effort to learn how to do that.
Here's a link to one of Shrinklady's amazingly helpful pages:
Nature's Self Regulation
Please stay in touch!
JM
1) What you are experiencing with your husband are serious relationship issues that he needs to be willing to work out too and you are not responsible for his short-comings. That is no reflection on you although I am sure it feels like it is. His not being there for you emotionally especially during intimacy is abandonment and that triggers unseen and very powerful feelings in you. Of course you are going to resort back to the feelings of security and care that Mr T offered you in your devastatingly short relationship. That’s not wrong nor is it a problem; it is actually useful to identify the heart of what you are feeling emotionally, and what you need and what you long for. Don’t stuff it, but talk to Ms T about it.
Which leads me to say; CALL HER! She is there for you and has given you a direct personal line for you to reach out to her. Your mom never did that. Somehow you believe that you have to stay in the misery and chaos. That this is where you belong in this world. But that’s not true Charlotte. You’re stuck and that’s where you brazenly and so honestly admit you want to be, because you don’t know anything else and you’re afraid of anything else. You’re afraid that Ms. T is going to abandon you too and you’re not willing to let her hurt you that way. But yet you know she won’t abandon you. You are cognitively aware that she is different. The problem is what you sense and experience about abandonment and what you experience and what you know about Ms. T are taking place in different parts of the brain. Eventually as you test your relationship with her, you will experience that she is different and your response to her will become just as it needs to be. (I hope this makes sense)
2) Your mom shows up in the midst of all this is certainly going to trigger some old stuff because you are processing it deep inside whether you are aware of it or not. If there was any suggestibility from your T it is only because it was already going on inside anyway. BTW: The therapeutic relationship is a highly suggestible arena. That’s why it works.
Your resentment is well founded but is also a barrier to the deeper emotions, the hurt and grief that you need to access that her abandoning you has created. You felt the resentment because it was safer than the pain and you were able to stuff that easier as you had to “take care” of your mom and make her visit special. BTW: That is a beautiful gesture you made for her. But now it’s time to give back to Charlotte. After all that you probably felt honored that she stayed with you and spent time with you and your family. That was probably very hard to let go of and watch her leave again, yet I am sure it was also a relief when she did. You have a lot to process here Charlotte. But take it slow, it will all come out eventually.
You’re afraid she might be dying because she is 78 years old _and_ you have so many unresolved issues with her. I am sure as you watched her leave you may have wondered if that was the last time you might see her. My dad is 83 and I think about that every time I say good-bye.
So it sounds like you’ve been run through the mill again Charlotte. I really wish I could help more. But one last thing, the most important thing I want to say again because it bears repeating: CALL Ms. T! And again, I am glad you came here for support and using your resources like you are. You are doing good. It’s time to slow down though. This is the biggest concern I have for you right now. You have a lot going on and I am sure that your brain injury makes it difficult for your nervous system to self-regulate, so it is going to require effort to learn how to do that.
Here's a link to one of Shrinklady's amazingly helpful pages:
Nature's Self Regulation
Please stay in touch!
JM
Hi Charlotte,
I don't think you're $*@(!(#(#!)() stupid. I think you're going through a really rough time and your new Mr. T2 is showing your real kindness. If I were you I'd want to soak up as much of that as I could.
I've been reading a lot about transference and have learned that it can be very healing if managed properly. My transference happened with a female and there's no danger of me going that way so it's a bit harder for me to relate exactly what you're going through but I think the feelings are similar enough that I can try.
I've been having trouble with my husband through the years but this year has been especially bad. I felt like he abandoned me emotionally when I needed him the most. Not only did he abandon me, he put all the blame on me for everything that was going wrong with our lives. I turned to my son's T for support because I wasn't getting it anywhere else and I desperately needed it. She was there for me in ways no one had ever really been, not my parents, not my friends, not my brother or sister. She filled that hole that had been empty for as long as I can remember. So while it didn't really have to do with my husband and and my feelings for him, it did. I am never going to leave him for her, but it has helped me recognize some of what is missing in our relationship. Now that I recognize it, maybe I can do something about it.
Just Me is right, I really hope you can call your T and talk to her about all of this. Sometimes we get so used to living in emotional turmoil, we feel comfortable there, at least we know what to expect.
I didn't want to talk to my new T about my son's T because I knew what she would say, and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to live in my fantasy world of my son's T becoming my friend and making everything all right, even though that also came with the painful thoughts that it wasn't going to happen and unrequited transference and all that, at least the hope was still alive. I'm not sure if that's why you don't want to talk to Ms. T, or because you are comfortable with the turmoil. Either way I've been there. Like Just Me said, she's offered you the opportunity to reach out, and I think you should do it. Lean on her as much as possible.
It seems like when it rains it pours, doesn't it? After your visit from your mom, I'm not surprised you had to get some much-needed rest.
There's a post going on about having so many things to talk about in therapy that some of us don't even want to go because there's too much to say and not enought time.
I think it fits here as well. You've got a lot going on and concentrating on it all seems so overwhelming. Try to process one issue at a time. (Easier said than done, believe me I know!)
I hope things calm down for you. Keep us posted.
OW
I don't think you're $*@(!(#(#!)() stupid. I think you're going through a really rough time and your new Mr. T2 is showing your real kindness. If I were you I'd want to soak up as much of that as I could.
I've been reading a lot about transference and have learned that it can be very healing if managed properly. My transference happened with a female and there's no danger of me going that way so it's a bit harder for me to relate exactly what you're going through but I think the feelings are similar enough that I can try.
I've been having trouble with my husband through the years but this year has been especially bad. I felt like he abandoned me emotionally when I needed him the most. Not only did he abandon me, he put all the blame on me for everything that was going wrong with our lives. I turned to my son's T for support because I wasn't getting it anywhere else and I desperately needed it. She was there for me in ways no one had ever really been, not my parents, not my friends, not my brother or sister. She filled that hole that had been empty for as long as I can remember. So while it didn't really have to do with my husband and and my feelings for him, it did. I am never going to leave him for her, but it has helped me recognize some of what is missing in our relationship. Now that I recognize it, maybe I can do something about it.
Just Me is right, I really hope you can call your T and talk to her about all of this. Sometimes we get so used to living in emotional turmoil, we feel comfortable there, at least we know what to expect.
I didn't want to talk to my new T about my son's T because I knew what she would say, and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to live in my fantasy world of my son's T becoming my friend and making everything all right, even though that also came with the painful thoughts that it wasn't going to happen and unrequited transference and all that, at least the hope was still alive. I'm not sure if that's why you don't want to talk to Ms. T, or because you are comfortable with the turmoil. Either way I've been there. Like Just Me said, she's offered you the opportunity to reach out, and I think you should do it. Lean on her as much as possible.
It seems like when it rains it pours, doesn't it? After your visit from your mom, I'm not surprised you had to get some much-needed rest.
There's a post going on about having so many things to talk about in therapy that some of us don't even want to go because there's too much to say and not enought time.
quote:Quote from Shrinklady's Titration page
quote:
Some clients arrive at the therapist's office anxious to discuss a long list of topics. If this describes you, I'd encourage you to consider a smaller list.
It's usually far more effective to explore one topic than it is to rush through many. The value of therapy is less in making sure your therapist knows all the details than it is in experiencing parts of your story with your therapist.
I think it fits here as well. You've got a lot going on and concentrating on it all seems so overwhelming. Try to process one issue at a time. (Easier said than done, believe me I know!)
I hope things calm down for you. Keep us posted.
OW
I think that sometimes we have a picture in our mind about what our therapists lives are actually like and it might be way off of what the actual truth is.
Like im picturing a nurturing mother that takes time for her family where as it could be that shes distant or over protective.
Like im picturing a nurturing mother that takes time for her family where as it could be that shes distant or over protective.
Yes emerald, I would also like to think that my T is the most perfect person in the world. When we are together in the containment of her office, she is perfect to me. But, I realize that she is also human. As much as I would love to be her daughter, I'm sure if I talked to her daughter I would find out that she, like every mother, has made mistakes. That she has maybe overreacted to things as I sometimes do. That she has said things that she regrets. My T is divorced and as much as I would like to think that her ex must have been a monster to her, I realize that there may have been things that she did to contribute to the situation. That is why it is good that we don't know too much about our Ts. It would burst our bubble of being able to trust the one person in the world that we think has all the answers to help us heal. I know I have placed my T on a very high pedestal and I couldn't take it if she ever fell off. That being said, I really do realize that she is also a person just like you and me with lots of faults and failings.
PL
PL
Hi emerald. I get what you mean, making up in our minds what our therapists may really be like and I have done that with a lot of people, not just therapists. I have had transference experiences with bosses and teachers, and have done this. The transference "fantasy" seems to ease the more I get to know them.
My most recent obsession was my son's T. I'm still not sure it's transference but some of the feelings seem to fit so that's what I'm going with. But, I never put my son's T on a pedestal - I saw her faults and it made me appreciate her more. We live in a small town, she works at my son's school, her kids go there. She has talked a lot about her kids and she said it herself, she has self-disclosed a lot and maybe wasn't too good with boundaries. I've seen her flustered and I've been annoyed with her. I saw that she was a real person with real faults but still she was able to reach out to me and give me what I needed more than anything in the world.
I think that's probably why I got in my mind that friendship was possible. I felt like I was on an even level with her. I didn't' feel like I was talking to a therapist when I talked to her, I felt like I was talking to a friend. I didn't think she could save me, or even give me just the advice I needed to solve my problems. But she was there, she was able to just listen and offer me support, and I felt like she really cared.
I know more about her than most people know about their therapists, but I realize I still don't know the real her. But that's the way it is when you start a friendship. You feel a connection and then you get to know each other better. Then you may either become closer or grow apart.
Where it became different from a typical friendship forming, for me, was when I realized that I could really depend on her, and that I never had that in my life before. She told me to call or email whenever I needed to and I did. I took full advantage. She did make the boundaries clear at that point when she told me I needed to make friends and get my own support system. I realized she couldn't be my friend and that she was acting as a therapist. I began to question why, and when I saw that there were rules against us being friends, I began to worry that she was just doing her job and that she really didn't care as much as I thought. But then I asked her and she validated my feelings. She said she would love to be friends if it weren't for the way we met. Then I just became angry at the rules and the obsession got a little worse.
I think it could have worked if she had stayed my son's T. We could have talked out all this transference stuff. I could still get what I needed and accepted the boundaries. It could have been very positive, just like some other experiences here on this board. But that didn't work, my son is getting referred to another T for some more serious issues. So the prospect of her not being there for me became all too real, and the obsession grew more.
I still haven't accepted that she is out of my life. School is starting again tomorrow and I still keep thinking in the back of my mind that it's not over. She has been so important to me that I just still can't imagine it. I'm 100% sure I will see her, it's unavoidable, I'm just not sure how hard it's going to be. I still really have the urge to talk to her about it all, if for nothing else but closure. I'm not sure it would work out the way I wanted it too, though, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how deep my need goes.
Wow, that turned into quite a long post didn't it. Thanks to anyone who stuck through and read it.
OW
My most recent obsession was my son's T. I'm still not sure it's transference but some of the feelings seem to fit so that's what I'm going with. But, I never put my son's T on a pedestal - I saw her faults and it made me appreciate her more. We live in a small town, she works at my son's school, her kids go there. She has talked a lot about her kids and she said it herself, she has self-disclosed a lot and maybe wasn't too good with boundaries. I've seen her flustered and I've been annoyed with her. I saw that she was a real person with real faults but still she was able to reach out to me and give me what I needed more than anything in the world.
I think that's probably why I got in my mind that friendship was possible. I felt like I was on an even level with her. I didn't' feel like I was talking to a therapist when I talked to her, I felt like I was talking to a friend. I didn't think she could save me, or even give me just the advice I needed to solve my problems. But she was there, she was able to just listen and offer me support, and I felt like she really cared.
I know more about her than most people know about their therapists, but I realize I still don't know the real her. But that's the way it is when you start a friendship. You feel a connection and then you get to know each other better. Then you may either become closer or grow apart.
Where it became different from a typical friendship forming, for me, was when I realized that I could really depend on her, and that I never had that in my life before. She told me to call or email whenever I needed to and I did. I took full advantage. She did make the boundaries clear at that point when she told me I needed to make friends and get my own support system. I realized she couldn't be my friend and that she was acting as a therapist. I began to question why, and when I saw that there were rules against us being friends, I began to worry that she was just doing her job and that she really didn't care as much as I thought. But then I asked her and she validated my feelings. She said she would love to be friends if it weren't for the way we met. Then I just became angry at the rules and the obsession got a little worse.
I think it could have worked if she had stayed my son's T. We could have talked out all this transference stuff. I could still get what I needed and accepted the boundaries. It could have been very positive, just like some other experiences here on this board. But that didn't work, my son is getting referred to another T for some more serious issues. So the prospect of her not being there for me became all too real, and the obsession grew more.
I still haven't accepted that she is out of my life. School is starting again tomorrow and I still keep thinking in the back of my mind that it's not over. She has been so important to me that I just still can't imagine it. I'm 100% sure I will see her, it's unavoidable, I'm just not sure how hard it's going to be. I still really have the urge to talk to her about it all, if for nothing else but closure. I'm not sure it would work out the way I wanted it too, though, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how deep my need goes.
Wow, that turned into quite a long post didn't it. Thanks to anyone who stuck through and read it.
OW
Hey OW, This is Charloote...I stuck you out and know what you are saying...My old T, referred me to my new Ms. T because i disclosed my transference feelings to him...I about died...but I relize now that it was the best thing...I thought the first time I saw him afterwards in the office that the whole staff probably new my issues...but they didn't..it was so hard to look at him, yet I needed to see his face to be able to function. yes, I have cried many times after leaving therapy with Ms. T because he was in his office with another patient during "My appointment time", but that's the emotional human part of this transference thing. It has become much easier as the weeks have passed, and we even speak small talk, smile, nod, etc, now. It has made it easier to relate to Ms. T, and although my feelings of transference are in no way gone, you know that from my blogs here on the forum...it is getting easier in a funky sorta way I guess...anyway I said all that to say...thanks for your help the other night...and hope this has helped you to be able to see your son's T at school and hold your head high...because as you said...your both only human!!..Charlotte
Charlotte,
I'm so glad to hear you're having an easier time with your T situation. You've been incredibly strong and you should be really proud of yourself.
OW,
Just for the record, that was a short post.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how intense my feelings have been for my T. At one point, I remember feeling like it would literally kill me if I lost him, so I can only imagine how painful it must be to have this relationship be off bounds. In many ways, transference is easier when its with your own T because you can work it out with them. But I think the really important part of this experience for you is being able to recognize your feelings and the needs that you are trying to fulfill. They're good, healthy needs that SHOULD be met and you will work out how to meet them with the help of your therapist. And its also good that you're able to understand why the relationship isn't happening and you're concentrating your efforts on getting the help that you need.
And I understand the wondering if the relationship was real. I struggled with that for a LONG time and have just recently come to understand and believe that the relationship is a very real one. I believe your son's T really did care for you and the relationship is real. I think that she's behaving the way she is out of a concern for your well being. I know that doesn't make it not hurt, but I hope its some comfort.
And please don't feel like you're saying too much or talking about it too much. That's why we're all here. These are deeply painful and deeply significant feelings that take a lot of time to work through. And a lot of repitition (at least in my case!). You need to use all your resources and this is one of them. And it helps everyone to hear about how other people struggle with these issues. It can often help us feel more normal and give us other perspectives and ideas on how to best handle it.
AG
I'm so glad to hear you're having an easier time with your T situation. You've been incredibly strong and you should be really proud of yourself.
OW,
Just for the record, that was a short post.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how intense my feelings have been for my T. At one point, I remember feeling like it would literally kill me if I lost him, so I can only imagine how painful it must be to have this relationship be off bounds. In many ways, transference is easier when its with your own T because you can work it out with them. But I think the really important part of this experience for you is being able to recognize your feelings and the needs that you are trying to fulfill. They're good, healthy needs that SHOULD be met and you will work out how to meet them with the help of your therapist. And its also good that you're able to understand why the relationship isn't happening and you're concentrating your efforts on getting the help that you need.
And I understand the wondering if the relationship was real. I struggled with that for a LONG time and have just recently come to understand and believe that the relationship is a very real one. I believe your son's T really did care for you and the relationship is real. I think that she's behaving the way she is out of a concern for your well being. I know that doesn't make it not hurt, but I hope its some comfort.
And please don't feel like you're saying too much or talking about it too much. That's why we're all here. These are deeply painful and deeply significant feelings that take a lot of time to work through. And a lot of repitition (at least in my case!). You need to use all your resources and this is one of them. And it helps everyone to hear about how other people struggle with these issues. It can often help us feel more normal and give us other perspectives and ideas on how to best handle it.
AG
HEY AG GLAD YOU ARE FEELING BETTER NOW. I HAVE HAD A CRAZY WEEK...IT HAS BEEN A BAD WEEKEND FOR MY BRAIN PROBLEMS, AND MY DEPRESSION SEEMS TO BE TRYING MY PATIENCE!...BUT I HAVE TRIED REALLY HARD TO FOLLOW THE PLANS THAT I MADE WITH MS. T...TO EXERCISE AND EAT MORE HEALTHY FOODS...KEEPING A FOOD JOURNAL ETC..BUT THE MORE I TRY TO DO THAT THE MORE I AM FOCUSED ON MY OLD MR. T... WHY IS THAT HAPPENING?? I HAVE LOST DOWN ANOTHER SIZE AND WENT TO GET A NEW OUTFIT TO WEAR TOMORROW SO THAT HE WILL SEE ME...I DON'T FEEL LIKE I WANT TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS...BUT I DO...JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS GETTING BETTER...I'M AFRAID IF I TELL MS.T AND SHE DISCUSSES IT WITH MR.T...WILL HE KICK ME OUT AGAIN...I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TELL HER ANYTHING...THEN NEXT WEEK I MAY SPILL MY GUTS TO HER AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE I TRUST HER...DOES THIS MAKE SENSE...IT DOESN'T TO ME...I THINK I'VE LOST A MARBLE OR TWO...MY BRAIN IS SPINNING A 1000 MILES AN HOUR I BETTER GET OFF HERE BEFORE I FREAK OUT!!...JM...WHERE ARE YOU HIDING???
CHARLOTTE
CHARLOTTE
Charlotte - thank you so much for posting. I've been reading your posts with great interest because I see the similarities in our situations. I think you're handling things so well, you haven't given up, and you're working through your feelings - in my eyes you're an inspiration. (I don't have any romantic feelings for my son's T but I still worry about what I wear when I know I'm going to see her, I think it's perfectly natural.)
AG - thank you for the reassurance. That's something I could definitely use a lot of!
A few weeks ago I said I couldn't imagine my life without my son's T there to reassure me. I haven't talked to her or seen her since Dec. 18. I haven't completely shut down so I guess I'm doing OK.
I have been able to recognize the feelings and needs I'm trying to fulfill but what if I'm never able to actually fulfill them? I've never been very good at making friends - I have a lot of acquaintances but it never seems to go much deeper. I've known for a long time why I can't make friends and so far, knowing it hasn't helped much.
I understand, intellectually, why the relationship isn't happening, but I'm not there emotionally yet. I still want her to call and ask me if I want to go out and talk. So I'm trying to figure out if I can get someone to replace her and I just don't see it. I am working through my feelings with my new T, ever so painfully slowly, but I doubt I will ever have these sorts of feelings for my new T. I've had other Ts before, and this T feels very much like those. Right now I think that's a very good thing, because I wouldn't be able to be so open and honest if I was afraid this could happen again.
But there is still a huge void. Sometimes I'm mad at my son's T for pointing out this huge void in my life. She told me on more than one occasion that I need a support system, that no one can handle all this with no support. I was all set to bear it all alone, because that's what I've done my entire life. Then she became my support and showed me that it was possible for me to depend on someone else. She showed me what a relief it was to not bear something all alone.
After the fact, I'm not sure that was the best thing. I was in pretty bad shape, so maybe she did help me from completely falling apart. I may have started to believe my family members who told me I was doing everything wrong. My marriage may have very well fallen apart. But now I'm left still dealing with all the issues I was before, plus this new one.
Now that I'm in the middle of it there's no way I would turn around and stop, because I know I can't go back. I keep clinging to the hope that it will get better, and the inspiration I find here is probably the biggest thing keeping me going.
I've read this over and over and it does give me comfort. I have a hard time believing it, but it is good to hear. I don't think I would even believe it if she told me. Maybe I will with time.
OW
AG - thank you for the reassurance. That's something I could definitely use a lot of!
A few weeks ago I said I couldn't imagine my life without my son's T there to reassure me. I haven't talked to her or seen her since Dec. 18. I haven't completely shut down so I guess I'm doing OK.
I have been able to recognize the feelings and needs I'm trying to fulfill but what if I'm never able to actually fulfill them? I've never been very good at making friends - I have a lot of acquaintances but it never seems to go much deeper. I've known for a long time why I can't make friends and so far, knowing it hasn't helped much.
I understand, intellectually, why the relationship isn't happening, but I'm not there emotionally yet. I still want her to call and ask me if I want to go out and talk. So I'm trying to figure out if I can get someone to replace her and I just don't see it. I am working through my feelings with my new T, ever so painfully slowly, but I doubt I will ever have these sorts of feelings for my new T. I've had other Ts before, and this T feels very much like those. Right now I think that's a very good thing, because I wouldn't be able to be so open and honest if I was afraid this could happen again.
But there is still a huge void. Sometimes I'm mad at my son's T for pointing out this huge void in my life. She told me on more than one occasion that I need a support system, that no one can handle all this with no support. I was all set to bear it all alone, because that's what I've done my entire life. Then she became my support and showed me that it was possible for me to depend on someone else. She showed me what a relief it was to not bear something all alone.
After the fact, I'm not sure that was the best thing. I was in pretty bad shape, so maybe she did help me from completely falling apart. I may have started to believe my family members who told me I was doing everything wrong. My marriage may have very well fallen apart. But now I'm left still dealing with all the issues I was before, plus this new one.
Now that I'm in the middle of it there's no way I would turn around and stop, because I know I can't go back. I keep clinging to the hope that it will get better, and the inspiration I find here is probably the biggest thing keeping me going.
quote:I believe your son's T really did care for you and the relationship is real. I think that she's behaving the way she is out of a concern for your well being. I know that doesn't make it not hurt, but I hope its some comfort.
I've read this over and over and it does give me comfort. I have a hard time believing it, but it is good to hear. I don't think I would even believe it if she told me. Maybe I will with time.
OW
Ugh. I saw her today. My son had a psych appointment and I picked him at at school. I saw her at school (she was leaving) and then I saw her again at the psych office (psych sees the kids at a church office in town and she was bringing him paperwook). It was easy enough (well not really but I got through it without embarassing myself) to say 'hi' and then go about our business, but now I can't seem to concentrate on anything else.
OW
I'm sorry that you have to keep being reminded of the pain by running into her. It seems like you need some time to let the wound heal. You should feel proud of yourself though that you were able to say "hi" and then move on. Remember, baby steps.
I see my T in about an hour and I'm already freaking about how 50 minutes doesn't seem long enough and when I leave I will feel good for a little while, and then start missing her again. Sheesh! Why can't I just enjoy the "moment" and stop worrying about the future. Oh yeah, that's one of the reasons why I am seeing her.
PL
I'm sorry that you have to keep being reminded of the pain by running into her. It seems like you need some time to let the wound heal. You should feel proud of yourself though that you were able to say "hi" and then move on. Remember, baby steps.
I see my T in about an hour and I'm already freaking about how 50 minutes doesn't seem long enough and when I leave I will feel good for a little while, and then start missing her again. Sheesh! Why can't I just enjoy the "moment" and stop worrying about the future. Oh yeah, that's one of the reasons why I am seeing her.
PL
OW- that must be so frustrating to see her so much. I hope you can find some closure to this real soon. Please feel free to speak about it here as much as you need to. I know it's hard to hold stuff like that in and especially when not too many people understand what this is like. I don't want you to feel alone with this. That just makes it so much more enormous to deal with.
PL-How did your session go today? I think the longings are far more difficult right after session. At least for the first 24-48 hours. That's when I tend to call my T the most.
Hang in there you two. You're not alone!
JM
PL-How did your session go today? I think the longings are far more difficult right after session. At least for the first 24-48 hours. That's when I tend to call my T the most.
Hang in there you two. You're not alone!
JM
JM
Thanks for asking. Actually, it did and it didn't go so well. I mean, she was great as always, but we didn't end up talking about what I wanted to talk about. (whatever that was!) There is something going on with my son and we ended up talking about that. I feel sort of down about it because I feel like I wasted time that is supposed to be for me, on my son. I know that doesn't sound like a very nice mom. I'm just so tired of dealing with his problems at the moment. Anyway, the way I need to look at it is that she did help me with my response/coping with his issues. So I guess it was still about me. She says I have "battle fatigue" in regards to his problems. I'll get over this, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
The good thing is that I will be seeing her on Thursday. I have been going 2X's a week for the past few months because she felt that I needed more "containment." She was right because I couldn't make it the whole week without calling her and talking for another hour. I would rather talk to her in person than on the phone if I can. It has made my therapy much more intense, the transference more deep, but my progress much quicker. Even though I didn't think I got what I wanted, she knew what she was doing. I feel much better about the issue with my son and she gave me guidance in how to deal with him. He and I talked just a little while ago and I used all of her suggestions. It turned out well. Ok, I guess I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
PL
Thanks for asking. Actually, it did and it didn't go so well. I mean, she was great as always, but we didn't end up talking about what I wanted to talk about. (whatever that was!) There is something going on with my son and we ended up talking about that. I feel sort of down about it because I feel like I wasted time that is supposed to be for me, on my son. I know that doesn't sound like a very nice mom. I'm just so tired of dealing with his problems at the moment. Anyway, the way I need to look at it is that she did help me with my response/coping with his issues. So I guess it was still about me. She says I have "battle fatigue" in regards to his problems. I'll get over this, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
The good thing is that I will be seeing her on Thursday. I have been going 2X's a week for the past few months because she felt that I needed more "containment." She was right because I couldn't make it the whole week without calling her and talking for another hour. I would rather talk to her in person than on the phone if I can. It has made my therapy much more intense, the transference more deep, but my progress much quicker. Even though I didn't think I got what I wanted, she knew what she was doing. I feel much better about the issue with my son and she gave me guidance in how to deal with him. He and I talked just a little while ago and I used all of her suggestions. It turned out well. Ok, I guess I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
PL
Well, I guess we all have Transference Tuesday sessions! I was there today too. I saw Mr T before my session, and he spoke a couple times...it thrilled my heart...but I tried to act very professional. Then I saw him afterwards and he asked me if I was okay...is that not weird..Am I ok???...NO NO NO!! I'm not okay I wanted to say...I want to be in there working thru this with you not her!!!...but I just replied.."I'm fine thank you for asking"..but I guess him speaking to me before really helped...because I was able to open up about things with Ms. T like I never had before..it just takes time...of course He will be my fantasy for the next few days....it's always like that...it wouldn't be a problem if we seen them and then didn't think about them again until next time...it's just human nature!
OW, don't say you don't make friends easily...look at this forum...you are covered up with friends...we may not see things "EYE TO EYE"...LOL...but we are all here in the same boat...on the same river, with the same hole in the same float...helping each other to keep our heads above the water...is that not what true friends do?...I THINK SO!!...yes life stinks sometimes, but it does whether you have things going on or not. God gives us the valleys...so the mountain tops look more beautiful when we finally reach them...Just the other night I felt like a total idiot...but it was you that said...
It helped me thru the hour of gloom....and probably so many others on this forum we don't even know about...i see things that others post on here...that i apply to myself all the time...it helps!!. AG, JM, ShrinkLady..etc WE all do the same. I couldn't name all of us...I haven't been here long myself...but long enough to know that I can speak out of my heart...and others are listening and caring...have a great night, talk to you all later, and remember..
"When you click into this clique....you have been hand picked by the man upstairs that put you where people really care!!!"
Charlotte
PS I see my other new shrink (Mr. T2)tomorrow for the 2nd time...say a prayer for me...I'm already anxious!!!
OW, don't say you don't make friends easily...look at this forum...you are covered up with friends...we may not see things "EYE TO EYE"...LOL...but we are all here in the same boat...on the same river, with the same hole in the same float...helping each other to keep our heads above the water...is that not what true friends do?...I THINK SO!!...yes life stinks sometimes, but it does whether you have things going on or not. God gives us the valleys...so the mountain tops look more beautiful when we finally reach them...Just the other night I felt like a total idiot...but it was you that said...
quote:I don't think you're $*@(!(#(#!)() stupid. I think you're going through a really rough time and your new Mr. T2 is showing your real kindness. If I were you I'd want to soak up as much of that as I could.
It helped me thru the hour of gloom....and probably so many others on this forum we don't even know about...i see things that others post on here...that i apply to myself all the time...it helps!!. AG, JM, ShrinkLady..etc WE all do the same. I couldn't name all of us...I haven't been here long myself...but long enough to know that I can speak out of my heart...and others are listening and caring...have a great night, talk to you all later, and remember..
"When you click into this clique....you have been hand picked by the man upstairs that put you where people really care!!!"
Charlotte
PS I see my other new shrink (Mr. T2)tomorrow for the 2nd time...say a prayer for me...I'm already anxious!!!
Hi everyone. I had to cancel my appointment with my T and I would usually feel really upset about it but i didnt. she resheduled it in a few days later. I was meant to see her today.
I think that it was because of these new mother feelings ive been having and im a bit afraid of it because i have decided to discuss it with her in the next session.
I think that it was because of these new mother feelings ive been having and im a bit afraid of it because i have decided to discuss it with her in the next session.
Hey emerald,
I understand your stress. It was utterly painful when I expressed my transference to my T, but she accepted it very warmly. You already have a good solid working relationship with her so trust that and use that as a resource to build up the courage when you do talk to her. Think about her warmth and what you know to be true about her in her past dealing with you. And as AG would say "BREATHE."
If you haven't already done so I find it helps to write out my feelings on paper to try to get a clear idea of what I want to say. Then if you're like me you will probably stumble around it anyway. Some of us write letters or emails to our T so they can read it before hand and then it's already on the table when you show up. You can even just present the letter to her in person and let her read it and then discuss it. I've done this on difficult issues too and I find it really helps. I have learned that there isn't anything I can't discuss with my T. It doesn't mean it's easy, but it's true.
If this is distressing you too much to disclose this to her, just take it slow. You can at least relate that there is something distressing you that you need to discuss with her but don't quite know to go about it. She may help ease it out of you or you may be inclined to say "I'm just not ready yet." But take it slow and try to feel as grounded as you can.
Take care!
JM
I understand your stress. It was utterly painful when I expressed my transference to my T, but she accepted it very warmly. You already have a good solid working relationship with her so trust that and use that as a resource to build up the courage when you do talk to her. Think about her warmth and what you know to be true about her in her past dealing with you. And as AG would say "BREATHE."
If you haven't already done so I find it helps to write out my feelings on paper to try to get a clear idea of what I want to say. Then if you're like me you will probably stumble around it anyway.
Some of us write letters or emails to our T so they can read it before hand and then it's already on the table when you show up. You can even just present the letter to her in person and let her read it and then discuss it. I've done this on difficult issues too and I find it really helps. I have learned that there isn't anything I can't discuss with my T. It doesn't mean it's easy, but it's true. If this is distressing you too much to disclose this to her, just take it slow. You can at least relate that there is something distressing you that you need to discuss with her but don't quite know to go about it. She may help ease it out of you or you may be inclined to say "I'm just not ready yet." But take it slow and try to feel as grounded as you can.
Take care!
JM
PL- I've had sessions go that way too. Sometimes one or all of the kids are causing some stress and sometimes it's the dear ol hubbby. I know I needed to talk about it at the time, but I felt sort of cheated out of my session and what is supposed to be "my time." I don't share my T with anybody and sometimes that's what it feels like when I talk about my other relationships. But essentially it is supposed to help us learn how to work through those too. I just sort of tell my T that I want to put a time limit on the "side issues" to make room for me and that seems to help. I know we are experiencing hardship w/ our oldest son right from the other night that is stressing me out, but I don't want to use "my time" on it. I need a little direction from her, but I am going to try to limit it to 10 minutes today.
At least you get to see her twice a week and hopefully you can devote your next session just for you!
Talk to you later,
JM
At least you get to see her twice a week and hopefully you can devote your next session just for you!
Talk to you later,
JM
Yeah, JM -- for sure the next one will be about me. She asked me a question yesterday about myself and it started to bother me last night, So, I called her and left a VM. She will either call me back today, or I'm sure we will talk about it tomorrow. Either way, it WILL get addressed. 
Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not so selfish on wanting "my time" with my T. I know that all of my relationships relate to what we talk about. I'm glad that I think we are done talking about those for awhile. After all, "it's all about me!" Or it should be 'cause it hasn't been most of my life.
PL
Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not so selfish on wanting "my time" with my T. I know that all of my relationships relate to what we talk about. I'm glad that I think we are done talking about those for awhile. After all, "it's all about me!" Or it should be 'cause it hasn't been most of my life.
PL
Thanks guys. It is frustrating to see her but I may be secretly happy about it at the same time. Well I don't know if happy is the right word but I'm sure you know what I mean.
PL - I completely understand your feelings about wasting time talking about your son, and I don't agree that it doesn't sound like a very nice mom. It's so hard to find a balance between dealing with a child with issues, and making sure we are healthy so we can continue to parent on. Hopefully Thursday you can be as selfish as you want and just focus on you!
Charlotte - I had to chuckle a little when you were explaining what you were saying and what you were thinking. It's all too familiar when I see my son's T. What I say and what I think are so completely different! You guys do feel like true friends but it may not work out so well in real life! I'm much better at typing than I am at talking. And you guys understand me so much better than anyone I've met in real life. Thank you for letting me know I helped you. It does my heart good. I'm saying a prayer that your 2nd appointment turns out well... keep us posted!
Hi Emerald - I'm not looking forward to my session with my T on Thursday either. Like JM said (she is so smart, isn't she?), take it slow, and if you're not feeling it, it can always wait until a time when you are.
OW
PL - I completely understand your feelings about wasting time talking about your son, and I don't agree that it doesn't sound like a very nice mom. It's so hard to find a balance between dealing with a child with issues, and making sure we are healthy so we can continue to parent on. Hopefully Thursday you can be as selfish as you want and just focus on you!
Charlotte - I had to chuckle a little when you were explaining what you were saying and what you were thinking. It's all too familiar when I see my son's T. What I say and what I think are so completely different! You guys do feel like true friends but it may not work out so well in real life! I'm much better at typing than I am at talking. And you guys understand me so much better than anyone I've met in real life. Thank you for letting me know I helped you. It does my heart good. I'm saying a prayer that your 2nd appointment turns out well... keep us posted!
Hi Emerald - I'm not looking forward to my session with my T on Thursday either. Like JM said (she is so smart, isn't she?), take it slow, and if you're not feeling it, it can always wait until a time when you are.
OW
Hello everyone...where are you at?? I guess everyone is anxiously awaiting Transference Tuesday huh?? I know I am...I have had a pretty good week so far...OW how are you doing?...JM are you working over time again...the first of the year is a hard time...for me anyway...we have been doing some remodeling and my house is one more mess...but it will be great we are done. putting in new hardwood floors and re-painting our office and bedroom. This was our christmas present to each other...my hubby and I. maybe it will bring me luck in there you reckon??..haha! things do seem a little better this week, keep you fingers crossed...BTW my new shrink is okay...he just gives me my medications mostly...but he is really nice...but he's not my old Mr. T by no means!!I will talk with you all later, Charlotte
Hey Charlotte, good to hear from you. Everyone's around just in a lot of different threads. Transference hasn't been such a problem lately it seems. Most of us seem to be working on mom's right now.
I feel for you about the remodeling, it can be so disruptive but I'm glad you're looking forward to the changes. And I'm glad things are working out with the new shrink.
AG
I feel for you about the remodeling, it can be so disruptive but I'm glad you're looking forward to the changes. And I'm glad things are working out with the new shrink.
AG
Hi Charlotte!
I'm doing really good (posted about it in "I talked to my son's T" thread). I talked to her and it has made things much better. Thanks for asking!
Then my ongoing headache turned into a full-blown migraine yesterday so I'm trying to stay away from the computer as much as possible. Hard for me but computers and migraines really don't mix well!
Glad to hear your week has been good too.
OW
I'm doing really good (posted about it in "I talked to my son's T" thread). I talked to her and it has made things much better. Thanks for asking!
Then my ongoing headache turned into a full-blown migraine yesterday so I'm trying to stay away from the computer as much as possible. Hard for me but computers and migraines really don't mix well!
Glad to hear your week has been good too.
OW