The Session that went to Hell

A hello to everyone

I have been keeping a low profile, due to other commitments. I know it's summer and a lot of T's are on vacation, so, to those of you who are waiting for your T. to come back, I hope it's soon

The session this week went to hell. My stomach has been hurting so much and it seems when I try to go towards the pain, I can't bear it. A couple of weeks ago I couldn't get my breath and was having trouble holding myself upright. I went to the ER and they did a scan and told me there was nothing there. I could hardly catch my breath.

My stomach hurting is a reoccurring theme and it will not go away. I try to push it away, talk it away, but, it wants my attention and I don't know what to do for it. I am finally to the point where I say, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

We have had to tread very lightly because I seem to come undone when exploring this topic. I completely blew up at the Therapist this week. He knows I have a complete aversion to a****. I will not even say the word. He said he wondered if at the core was this a**** and if I wasn't avoiding it because it was so scary for me. I told him I was done. I looked at the clock and got up to leave. He said, "Why are you done?" I told him he knows I don't like to talk about that one subject and why would he bring it up unless it was just to piss me off. He stated by me saying I was done, it confirms, in some ways, what he is saying may be a possibility.

I told him how is it I am on the inside of me and don't know what it is and yet, you are on the outside and you know what it is? He said, "I have been doing this for a long time, 30 years and I am not 100% accurate but I am about 99% sure this is a likely possibility in regards to your stomach hurting."

He stated he wanted to understand why I have such an aversion to a**** and perhaps I could write him a letter and tell him. I told him I didn't know. I just know I get very scared and can't even go near it.

I told him he was being mean to me, he didn't care and he was purposefully trying to piss me off so I wouldn't come back. He said, "Why would I do that? There is nothing to gain from doing that."

I told him not to talk to me or even look at me. I told him he could just tell me to leave instead of trying to piss me off so I would leave without him having to tell me to go. I told him he could send me a letter telling me to go and gave him my address.

He said I was pushing him away because I feel safer that way. I told him to stop talking and as I was walking out the door he said, "I will see you next week." I told him "No, don't say that to me."

I asked him if he was going to tell me he was sorry for asking me about something I have such difficulty with. He said, "How do I say this? I don't apologize for a therapeutic decision I have made." I told him I was going to be upset with him the whole week and what do I do. He told me, "You are on your own. You can make a choice to be mad at me or perhaps see I am trying to help you."

I have asked him to please not say things which will upset me because I will cut him off. I do this in my relationships with others and I don't know how NOT to do this. This is why I tell him not to, because I need to like him in order to work with him. I can't be upset with him because I won't listen to him.

I don't understand why he doesn't understand this. Is it wrong of me to ask him not to say something to me which will challenge me? I ask this because I don't want to cut him off. I want to like him but I have this internal mechanism to when it happens, it's done before I can slow it down and realize what is happening.

I told him he doesn't have the guts to tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore so he will piss me off on purpose and then he knows I will leave and he will never have to make the decision for me to go.

He wasn't rattled by this outburst and just said, "I will see you next week." He is constant and I know this is needful.

Just trying to figure out why my response to this was so volatile.

All the best and thank you in advance for your replies.

T.

8/4/145:08 PM

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motoMember

(((((TAS)))))

I am so sorry you had such a hard session. I don't know if I really have any words that will help you. Your T sounds very caring and wants to help you. I know how it is though to not be able to talk about something.

I would get physically ill at night and morning thinking about something that I could not talk about. T had an idea of what it was and he mentioned it one time in session and I just stated at him in disbelief. The. I told him I am not talking about it and told him he didn't know what he was talking about. I continued with that until the pain from the sickness was greater than the pain to talk about it. I was finally able to get it out and the physical symptoms subsided. I won't say they are completely gone because they aren't. But as we work through this it is getting easier.

I think writing is a great idea if you can . When I finally talked about it I had it written out and I would read it everyday. So when I told the story it was as if it wasn't mine. This helped me get through it. Now is the pain of working through the emotions that come with it.

I hope this helped! We are here for you!

8/4/145:34 PM

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pathwewalkMember

Hi, TAS.

I have no idea if what I'm going to say is going to be helpful or not. But I wanted to reply because your post so resonates with how I feel about this particular topic. I, too, have a major aversion to anger. And my T is adamant that tapping into it is a major key to healing. Now, my reaction isn't volatile, but I am skeptical. He calmly points out my resistance and assures me that it will rise to the surface when I trust him enough. I, too, have a pathological fear of getting angry. I suffered too much abuse by too many angry people in my life to feel like it's okay to exhibit anger myself. And if I did get angry as a child (or in my marriage), the consequences were dire. On occasion I have accused him of trying to provoke me, and his response sounds remarkably like the Therapist's response.

But the harsh reality is that we are angry -- pissed as h*ll actually and rightfully so. And just so you know -- I am so averse to even saying this that I feel nauseous. But I can no longer deny it outright. I feel it rise up more and more -- becoming more conscious of it -- before I quickly kick it away through a myriad of ways.

The other harsh truth is that our Ts aren't there to say things we want to hear -- part of their job is to make connections and point out what they see in us, and we're not going to like it alot of the time. I am pretty sure you know that, but I want to assure you that you're not alone in not liking it.

It sounds like the Therapist really knows you, and I know that that alone is discomforting and at the same time oddly comforting. I know the constant push/pull incredibly well. My T has told me that it functions like clockwork.

Anyway, I know this is an incredibly frightening feeling, and I resist it like crazy but over time, I'm allowing myself to look at it more and more and not be quite so afraid to feel it for a second before fleeing from it. I feel like it'll be a cold day in hell before I go off on my T in session, but he's convinced that I will someday. I guess we'll see.

8/4/146:05 PM

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evaMember

quote:
Originally posted by TAS:

I don't understand why he doesn't understand this. Is it wrong of me to ask him not to say something to me which will challenge me? I ask this because I don't want to cut him off. I want to like him but I have this internal mechanism to when it happens, it's done before I can slow it down and realize what is happening.

T.

I think he is challenging you so you DONT repeat the pattern and cut him off. He is risking you being mad at him because he cares enough to try to nudge you a little into doing something different

Your usual response is to 'cut people off'. A huge part of therapy is doing and responding to old things in new ways - if we didn't change how we were we'd never get better

. Doing something new feels very threatening

I think you're more ready than you believe to face talking about the things that trigger you so badly. Your body is screaming for it all to be let out so you can - literally - breathe. Things that happen to is can be buried a long time particularly if they were traumatic. But they always find the way to the surface - it gets to the point where fighting for them to remain buried hurts as more than if we dared to face them

sending you safe (((hugs))) if ok

8/5/142:21 AM

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bltMember

quote:
Is it wrong of me to ask him not to say something to me which will challenge me?

No, but if he agreed with you and stopped challenging you, your therapy would become useless to you.

Of course, you have a habit of avoiding anger. You have an aversion to it. To even begin to talk about it makes you anxious and because of that you try to push him away. Anger is not the problem, your aversion to it and your ways of avoiding it are causing your problems. But I am sympathetic that this is so hard and I totally understand why you would rather avoid this topic.

8/5/146:36 AM

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ericaMember

TAS - you are so strong and making so much progress. I know you likely can't see that while you're in such despair and distress. But I see you, trudging along and not giving up despite how much you want to walk out of his office and never return. It's okay to feel that way...I certainly do at times when my shame is too overwhelming. But...your anger won't kill you, just as my shame won't kill me. These are fleeting feelings. I know it seems permanent now but they will one day become lessened. But you have to talk about it, at your own pace of course. I know you are struggling but you've really come so far and it's so nice to read that you are still working at it. I think the advice already given is really good. Take it day by day, session by session. You can get through this and it will not overtake you.

8/5/147:00 AM

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lieseMember

((((TAS)))))

When I first started to allow myself feel anger, it felt like an alien was taking over my body and shaking it around. It was a very violent and intense experience. I had to learn how to cope with the feelings. It was incredibly hard. It did get better the more I "let" myself feel what I was feeling and I don't get those intense violent feelings anymore. Hope it gets better for you too.

I used to get really angry at my T too for "provoking" my anger but the reality is that many relationships provoke all kinds of feelings and we have to learn how to manage them. We can avoid the feelings altogether by avoiding relationships but that comes at such a high cost and the truth was, for me, that the anger came out eventually when I couldn't contain it anymore.

You must trust your T somewhat if you are starting to let yourself experience these stomach aches. That is a really good sign. Your T will help hold your anger for you until it becomes less intense. Hang in there. You are doing awesome!

8/5/147:39 AM

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affinityMember

((((TAS))))

This is so hard, and you're being very brave by talking about it here.

If you don't mind, I'd like to reframe the situation a bit.

Imagine you went to your doctor because your leg was hurting and you were slowly losing your ability to walk. You walk in and describe the symptoms. What you don't tell the doc is that there's a patch of gangrene slowly spreading on the bad leg. When he notices it, you say, "Just don't mention that. It upsets me." The doctor then argues that he cannot fix your leg unless he can address the gangrene. You get angry and say, "I'm going to another doctor who can help me." But the reality is, any other doctor would say the exact same thing.

Your therapist isn't bringing up this topic to upset you. He's bringing it up because he knows it's the only way to get at the root of your physical symptoms. What he's doing may seem harmful because of all the pain it brings up, but it's actually helpful - just like cleaning a wound. The cleaning hurts like crazy, but it ultimately allows the wound to heal. It would actually be irresponsible and unethical for your T to allow to go unaddressed, what seems to him, a very obvious issue.

Anger is a normal part of human life. Like any emotion, it can be dangerous and scary if allowed to get out of control, but it can be good when we learn to deal with it in healthy ways. Cutting off people who make us experience normal emotions isn't the best way to go through life. What happens when your boss makes you angry? Or your spouse? Or your child? It's worth thinking about.

Big hugs for you. Hang in there.

8/5/149:30 AM

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tasMember

Thank you to everyone who replied. It seems when it rains it pours. I just found out our little guy, Jack, (schnauzer) has advanced lung cancer and we will have to put him down.

I am sorry for the lack of reply but it's not because of anything except a little overwhelmed right now. Thank you for understanding.

T.

8/5/149:36 AM

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effedMember

Oh TAS...

If we were sitting down over coffee, we'd have a lot to talk about. I can relate to SO MUCH of what you're going through.

It's funny how easy it is to see things from the outside... funny and UNFAIR. I see that your T is pushing you. As someone with a degree of 'somatization' issues, I've noticed that my T always pushes harder when these come up. There is more urgency with getting something out when there are physical symptoms at play that could be/are dangerous. I see that your T wants to get to the bottom of it and isn't giving up on you (though I disagree that you can make a "choice" not to be mad-- you are mad, because you feel that way... not because you are choosing to be).

It is so hard to persist when everything is telling you to bolt. But I think you know that in some way, it may be worth sticking around.

And I am so sorry about your little guy. Take care...

8/5/142:06 PM

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bltMember

I'm so sorry about your dog, TAS