The only other thing I would suggest is getting hugs from friends. It's ok to let friends know that you're open to hugs and want them. Some people may not be so touchy-feely, but others love that kind of stuff.

It sounds like you're doing a lot to get your touch needs met. It may just be that you're in a period where you're trying to make up for years of deprivation. Totally understandable. Just keep letting people know that you're open to healthy touch and it will happen.

Passionfruit,

Would you consider getting a pet? I am such a touchy person. I love hugs and cuddling and ...well humans don't fit the bill for cuddles when you get to be a grown up. I have two dogs and they are awesome touch therapy for me. My one dog loves to cuddle and loves to be handled, so when we are not actively cuddling, I am petting him. I so love the affection I give and get from my dogs.

Pets are a great idea!

My Ts have met my furry little ones and we use them so so so much as anchors. There is nothing quite like a grumpy old cat jumping up on you and bopping his head on yours.

Friends are another good idea too! I'm not sure what more I could add... Massage like you are doing now is good.

Soft blankets, baths, showers, yoga, mindfulness... You could volunteer at an elderly care facility.

There also may be room to look for other things on your life as well if the touch stuff becomes extremely pervasive for you (like if you want to be touching someone all day long everyday to the point it impacts your daily functioning) hobbies and other stuff may help if that comes up.

Affinity - thanks for the validation. It never crossed my mind to letting friends know I am open to hugs. They are all so used to me being so reserved, they probably would never know unless I told them. Thanks for the suggestion!

GG - I love dogs and DH loves cats, so we decided we could never get a pet. Plus, I'm allergic to them. Maybe I'll sit at my neighbor's house and pet her dog for awhile.

catalyst - Never thought of yoga before. Maybe I'll look into that. I've been doing lots of mindfulness.

I just came from a 3 week break and after today's session will be going into a 6 week break from T, so I suspect all this touch stuff is my attempt to seek comfort while he's gone. I am going to look into finding a hobby.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions!

PassionFruit

Hi PassionFruit,

I have another suggestion for you. I recently found this longing for touch that you describe activated in me as well. I was so fascinated to read that this has happened for you too. For me it has been this organic thing that has risen up that I wasn't expecting and has been very intense to deal with. I don't remember much of my childhood other than some very traumatic moments, but, according to my T, I was never touched as a child either. I am sure I received enough to get by but not the constant holding and affection that a mother should give a child. This need has come up for me now in a very powerful way!

Onto my suggestion! I am not sure this is feasible for you because it does cost $$, and I don't know where you are located but have you thought about seeking out someone who specializes in bodywork? I live in an area where there are lots of people who practice all types of therapeutic bodywork. There are even some psychologists who incorporate somatics into their practice. I thought this might be a bit overkill for me, since I am already in talk therapy. I felt the most comfortable finding someone whose specialty was solely body work.

I sought out the help of a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. I knew nothing about this until now. These practitioners are trained to apply therapeutic touch for people with all kinds of histories. They do specialize in trauma but truthfully, getting touch that is safe and therapeutic is really what it is all about. Keep in mind, for just bodywork practitioners, there is no regulation or licensing requirements so you should take any precautions that you feel are necessary. I felt the most comfortable finding someone by finding a practitioner through a credible three-year program/institute.

I just started this therapy, but I have already found that it is an amazing feeling to just be touched, in a safe way, by someone in the therapeutic space. I have also added massages to my regular routine and that is so great too!

If you have any questions for me about my experience thus far, please let me know!

Best,

PF sorry for the hijack, but wanted to ask DBS about SE. Thanks!

DBS,
If you're comfortable saying could you describe what the work is like? I have been considering this and I looked up Practitioners in my area (thanks for the info!) and only one turned up, but in one of those weird "coincidences" he is a therapist who led my last advanced training at the Crisis line I volunteer with and I really liked him. A man wouldn't be my first choice for this kind of work, but having met him, I would feel safe. But what I specifically am wondering is how this differs from talking? You know I think I have an excellent T but he does not incorporate touch into his practice and I am wondering if it wouldn't help with some of the shame issues around my body. I would appreciate anything you'd be willing to share. Thanks.

AG

Hi AG,

I am very comfortable sharing my experience. I haven't been going for very long, so I don't know what the long-term benefits or effects may be for me yet. I've also had to try out a few people to get the right fit.

My first reaction, right of the bat, is that it is a very good supplement to talk therapy. For those people who are used to being in psychotherapy, I think the processing of bodily sensations would make more sense than for someone going in with no prior therapeutic experience. There are a lot of similarities I am finding between the way my brain and my body processes emotions and thoughts. So, for instance, if I have a fearful thought, I have an emotion of fear hit me and then there is a corresponding bodily response as well, such as tingling in my fingers. I have never paid any attention to these body sensations before and that is what the bodywork is supposed to draw your attention to. I think this is similar to really paying attention and processing strong emotions. It is making the sensations conscious.

Here is something to keep in mind because it is touch work. In my opinion, if you are not used to healthy, safe touch already and you are triggered in any way by the thought of other people touching you, then you must be prepared that this will happen in the bodywork session. This might sound like "duh" but just because it sounds like something someone needs and is a great idea, this is still a confined, closed door session between two people. I have met with two different women and both times my body felt guarded and triggered.

I am at a point in my recovery where I am ready and can handle it but it is something to really think about and, in my opinion, run past a T before trying. Also know the practitioners who are trained to do this are very concerned about going "too fast" and are also supposed to have learned how to "contain" the person receiving the treatment. It is also an extremely patient-directed modality so you can always say "This is too much for me right now, we need to stop, Etc."

Just like talk therapy the choice of the practitioner is really key!

I also think the bodywork has benefited my talk therapy because when I am in my sessions with my T I am much more aware of my physical reactions. This has helped me to normalize these sensations. I am aware now that they are no longer needed but are still in place. It has reduced my panic when faced with them.

I will have to let you know how it goes! I plan on doing it the rest of the summer at least, hopefully once a week. It is expensive like everything else!!

That is probably way more info than you wanted!

DBS
Thank you so much!! That wasn't too much at all it was just what I was looking to know. I had already decided I should discuss this with BN (for one thing I have no idea if he would be comfortable with me working with another therapist although I suspect it won't be a problem) and I definitely saw this as an adjunct to continuing my talk therapy. So I was happy to have you affirm that.

I got a really good "vibe" off this therapist when I met him at the training session and think I would feel safe but it had occured to me, and was reinforced by you, that this is a closed door session. While his website does say he treated CSA, I'm not sure if he would treat a woman. His main work is with veterans, as he is a veteran himself.

Thanks so much for providing all this information, it definitely makes me want to look into further. Would love to hear how it goes as you progress.

AG

Hi AG,

Wow, I think people here have made some great suggestions. I hope some of them work for you. I know you are allergic to cats and dogs...Perhaps fish would fit the bill! Um.. on second thought they can be hard to hug
...lol

I hope you will accept my gentle virtual hug...


LongRoad

LR,
This was actually Passion Fruit's thread which I hijacked to ask DBS about Somatic work. And while I am allergic to cats and dogs, its mild so I still own both (and take a daily antihystimine as I have a wicked allergy to dust mites). But the virtual hug is gratefully accepted.



PF,
My apologies! I will now stop hijacking your thread!!

Ooops, sorry AG my reply was meant for PF. But thank you anyways for the reply and hug! I need to pay more attention in the future.

LongRoad

AG - Please hijack away! You asked the exact questions I was thinking, but didn't have time to post. I'm so glad you asked the question.

LongRoad - THANK YOU so much for your encouragement. I took some allergy medicine and played with my friend's 4 kittens for a few hours. It was very helpful. I gladly accept your hug.

DpBlueSee - thank you for sharing your experience! My T suggested it back in Feb, but I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him. But I recently bought Healing Trauma by Peter Levine and was looking into doing it again. It helps to hear a first hand experience. I actually might look into it. I started massage therapy and it has helped me so much. My blood pressure dropped to normal after just one session. Did you have to go through several Somatic Experiencing Practitioners before finding a good one? Do you see a female?

Hi PassionFruit,

I do see a woman. I have met with two practitioners. I finally went with a practitioner who does SE and Rosen Method. I felt more connected to her. I liked that she seemed to really understand where I am at in my recovery, and she seemed to know a lot about the psychological process of coming out of trauma. I felt like she just "got" what I was talking about. She also seemed very "motherly", which I need in spades, because my mother was my perpetrator. I have never known what it is like to have a real, nurturing, loving mother.

Honestly, for me, I am not sure a man would be a good idea, even if they were Buddha! I have learned that, because I have never received safe, loving touch my entire life, that I am very scared of touch from ANYONE. I didn't think this was the case until the need surfaced in talk therapy. I have had family around me and was married for 12 years so I have been in relationships that require physical contact. This guarding was not conscious. I now sense how my body guards against touch all the time. Just having someone stand too close to me (man or woman) gets me on guard. I think if the practitioner were a man it would add another level of complexity to the setting that would make it harder to do the work.

As an aside, for those who may be interested in the therapeutic process. I was never a believer in somatics or touch work. I thought that fell into the "alternative" therapy world. This need for me to have touch rose up organically and I realized I absolutely needed it! As I said, there are many parallels to talk therapy, it's just happening for your body! I think, for it to be therapeutic, touch work needs to happen in the safety of a setting where it is only about my needs, not someone else's, so my body can learn that it can be safe. It is the same as learning, in talk therapy, that you can express your needs without worrying about the other person's needs, and experience that as safe.

Like talk therapy, it needs to be slow and measured and handled at YOUR pace. So finding the right practitioner who you can feel safe with and goes at your pace is the most important thing.

I'll just add what I happen to know about this.

My T is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and she is also licensed as a marriage and family therapist. Some SEP's are licensed T's and some of them started out as body workers.

SE doesn't necessarily involve a ton of touch, however some SEP's are pretty into using touch and most would be at least comfortable.

My T has been very willing to give hugs, sit next to me, put her arm around me, etc. Although I have a very cuddly husband, there was some kind of need for maternal touch which he was not meeting, I guess, that my T was able to.

This topic is very interesting to me. I've been thinking about this type of therapy for a while. I keep wanting to talk to my T about it, but have been hesitant.

Can you explain to me the touch process? Where and how it actually happens is what I'm asking.

Hi Rebuilding Me,

I haven't been going very long and I think it is very dependent upon the practitioner and their methodology. I have experienced it in a very patient-directed way, in which the practitioner asks me what I need and then she would do that. In that case, it was just placing her hands on my shoulders or back, where ever my instinct led me. She would then ask me if it was okay for her to touch my feet, or whatever she felt the impulse to touch based upon what she sensed my need was.

Throughout the process it is very important to keep talking and telling the practitioner what you are sensing and feeling so they can make adjustments and address any of your concerns. You should always be able to say to slow down or stop because it is too much.

Touch work, I think, is a challenging process for people who are not used to expressing what they need or discounting their own sensations, instincts and feelings. It is important to understand that it is a very vulnerable space to be touched by another and you may need to tap into resources you are not used to, namely speaking up for yourself and any discomfort. I think this can have immense therapeutic value but it is so important to be as aware and conscious as you can of what is happening for you in your body and speak out on your own behalf. This can be hard to do. I think this type of work is best for someone who feels ready to be touched and senses that they need it to continue their growth and healing.

By the way, you can also look up videos of Somatic Experiencing on the web and get some sense of the process.

Personally, I felt I needed less self-direction and more guidance. I am getting that from a practitioner who also works in the Rosen Method. I like it because it is more intensive and that is what I need right now.

Hope that helps!