It's a terribly difficult decision, Yaku. the main thing is to not let anybody else tell you what to do based on what they did- or what they need- just think about what *you* need and what your little one needs most of all. What is the most important thing that she needs, and that you need? And make a decision based on that. I know you have a million factors to weigh in. I sometimes think my kids would be better off in a daycare than at home with a chronically depressed mother- but I haven't been able to make that decision. The love I share with my kids, flawed though it is- might be the only thing that is keeping me alive- who knows. Then, I have no job potential, so that makes things a bit different in my case. there is the therapy expense- you have to consider about, if you are making the decision just based on guilt at that expense- which would be a misplaced guilt- there is a lot, a lot to consider here. Yes- prayers your way, yaku. I don't like the title of your post, it breaks my heart. hugs, you.

BB

Thanks, BB. I can tell you understand how I am feeling. It is frustrating, because it is just admin work. I'm really good at it and love helping people, but it definitely isn't a "calling," which is what I would really like to have if I'm going to take that time away from my kiddo. And even if I make the minimum I'm willing to accept (which is likely near the maximum they'd be willing to offer, a $6000/year raise over what I made when I quit), I will probably only net $650 more a month over what I am making doing childcare out of my home, because our taxes will go up, our tithing will go up and our childcare expenses will be very high, likely at least $1,500 a month if we can't find a friend to do it. However, as you say, I would be able to afford the therapy which will mean being a healthier mom, wife, woman in the long run. I don't know. I guess there is no reason to worry about it when it's possible I won't even get an interview. The director in question LOVED me, but when I left, I sent his boss a chart of what I thought were his (and evil b!tch lady boss') strengths and weaknesses. It was very objective, but did detail how I had been misled and mistreated after my old boss retired. So, for all I know they heard about that and I burned bridges. We shall see. God will have to make the door WIDE open for me to step through.

The job is actually at Stanford, where I graduated and have done most of my work so far. I've applied at other jobs in the past, but Stanford always seems like the only place that wants to hire me. Not a lot of places out here actually do daycare benefits. Stanford does have childcare reimbursement accounts which save a bit on taxes. And they have childcare grants, but H makes too much. It's not really related to H losing his job, because even if I make what I want, it will still be only around 1/2 of what he makes, so if he loses his job, we will still have to leave. It's basically that either we're going to have to give up our condo (as in walk away and mail the bank the keys) or therapy sometime this year the way things are going. I had our budget perfect before we started therapy, but we're on track to spend about $10,000 this year on therapy alone, out of pocket. If I got this job, I could reduce that expense drastically, either by getting better insurance to cover therapy expenses or by just having the extra money. However, that means going to therapy is even more time away from H and Boo. If I want to do band practice or join a therapy group (which I do want right now), that is more time away from my family. I feel TRAPPED! Nothing seems like a good decision.

((Yaku)) Thinking of you

Yaku,

I feel for you. I remember when I had my first. I was working at the time and had to go back after 6 weeks. I used to just stare at her picture on my desk. Then we moved back to NY and I've been home with my kids ever since. I couldn't leave them and now I think it was actually because of my abandonment issues, although I didn't know that at the time.

I have four kids and stayed home with the first 3. I am by no means an expert but .... this is my experience with my 4th. I looked around for quality daycare and found it. My choice was to bring her to a certified home day care. The woman is organized and loving. She's on top of all the socialization issues that arise and I really believe that my daughter is happy there and is thriving. She also does more educational stuff with the kids than I would probably do.

The woman lives in my school district and so when I have needed my school-age children to take the bus to her house, they can do that. In NYS, there is a website and I was able to find all the certified home day cares in my area and proceed from there. I deliberately chose one that my older kids could take the bus to. (Just something to think about for the future.)

The downside is that she has had to close down on occassion because her daughter has serious health problems and had to have an organ transplant. She's supposed to have a backup person who is certified but she doesn't really, just on paper. So there have been some minor inconveniences that I've had to deal with.

Personally, I didn't want to deal with a big day care center. And, I've also known Moms who watch kids out of their houses but they all seem to ignore some significant risks, in one way or another. One for instance, had a half-sunken in aboveground pool that wasn't fenced it. My baby went there when she was an infant but once she started to walk, I pulled her out of there because I didn't want her in that environment.

I do miss her and sometimes feel terribly guilty but right now need to take care of myself. My T has been incredibly supportive of her going to daycare, even going so far as to say it's good for her. (Probably to get away from her depressed Mom.)

Anyway, it can work and not be so bad. But you definitely have to be choosy in picking a center and type of daycare, if you can be. And don't ignore your feelings about how you might feel you're abandoning her. T could help you with those. I ignored my feelings and actually went overboard in some areas, trying to meet my own needs and then probably went underboard in other areas, maybe where my kids really needed something different but I didn't recognize it.

(((HUGS)))

Liese

Yaku,

I will be thinking of you and your family and hope that whatever decision is made will be the right one for you and your family.

((((Yaku))))
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I understand the fear and pain that comes up at the thought of sending children to be cared for by another/others. It is really difficult.
There is definitely something to be said for quality over quanity, but I know it still hurts. Thinking of you....
seablue

Thanks for the support you guys. I'm just praying whatever is right will be obvious to me. For all I know, these people don't want anything to do with me anymore after the way they screwed me when I was basically backed into a corner and had to leave and I complained to HR about it. We will see. I have a phone session with T tomorrow, so hopefully, he can work through me on this among other things. Boo is 2.5. I would also be "losing" the little girl I watch, who I have had part-time since she was one month (she is now 21 months).

Yaku, these are really big decisions... and I will be praying for you! I've done a little bit of both working and staying home. I much prefer staying home, and with two kids any amt of time I could work would likely cancel itself out after daycare etc.
The beautiful thing is kids are resilient... and so she would be fine in the right care, and you might feel happier contributing to the finances.
I think every mom has to do what works best for her, because if mama aint happy aint nobody happy
I second the suggestion on in home daycares... we had an awesome person when I was working and I didn't find her right away, but I'm really glad I did. She was super experienced with kids, set really good guidelines for the kids, and my son loved her, he never wanted to leave her house. He was under 2 at the time... and it was good for me to work for a time. It helped me make a decision about what I wanted/needed for our family.
Praying for you that everything is made clear!
((((((YAKU)))))))