Hello

i'm glad that you have taken the chance to reach out for help like this!

I wish i could read all of your post and take it all in but unable..

i will briefly leave just what crossed my mind when I read it..

My first thoughts are soinds like you have a ton of depression going on and the negative voice in the head slamming you with all that negative self talk that comes from all those nasty things that happen in the past that seem to stick with us (core beliefs).

Your boyfriend is being emotionally abusive. We can't be happy ALL of the time and he isn't supporting you in a time where you are showing how you are really feeling right now. Doesnt seem right at all to me....

We all put on social mask.... pretend for what isn't or what we ideally want but doesn't mean that things are good inside. When depression comes, the way i look at it is that it's because we are now tired of Faking it and need to reach our authentic congruent self and because we aren't used to that.. we feel depressed because things are clashing around us.

Sounds like you really need to work on getting your life back in order slowly and doing whats good for you... having positive relationships.. not negative ones that take from you....

therapy IS really so helpful when it comes to depression and working on these issues that do lead to the whole 'everything ios crashing around me'

i really doubt that you brought this upon yourself.... that's just a lie society throws out there as an 'easy' answer to blame others for their problems and not offer support, help and true compassion.

and btw... 26 isnt THAT old. I have always been rather mature.. lots of people have told me this so it's not just my own assessment... lol. When I was 25, i went through a WHOLE NEW stage,transition... and felt a huge developmental change in me. I also hit clinical depression and 25/26 is still within the primary range of time where clinical episodes of depression have a higher risk of happening. Not saying this is what is happening but it's something to consider.

In terms of love... i can't speak much there... but it just makes me sad that your BF is not supportive to you in your hard times. I mean.. isn't that what love is supposed to be about?

Okay so this was a lot longer then brief.. i kept looking over your post a bit and took more in...

hope it helps..

i hope you can seek some help..

you might also want to go to the doctor and make sure your symptoms aren't hormonal or related to blood count. Amazingly anemia can cause mood issues, and of course hormones can. Thyroid issues too. It's always good to make sure if you can. It's not a weakness to seek psychiatric assistance and it doesnt mean you have to or will need medication. There are great therapies for depression or other life issues you seem to be experiencing and it can help loads.

thanks for sharing and reaching out

i hope your suffering eases soon...

Butterfly Warrior

Hi SD ~ Welcome ,

A year ago I was where you are . Same sort of symptoms; Difficulties at work (work was actually the catalyst), relationship issues to the point of a seperation being suggested by my partner, I was extremely moody, had anxiety attacks, and severe depressive behaviors (crying, confused, sleeping, self loathing). It took me a couple of months before I woke up one mornign and said what you have "I want to be ME again", so I went to the dr. She did some bloodwork/tests to rule out physical issues, then drugged me up and sent me to a pshychiatrist to work on the depression.
Talking about yourself here was a big step, now you have to take it one further and get in to see your Dr. to rule out any physical issues (as BW suggested). If your Dr. tells you there is nothing physical and doesn't suggest talking to someone, you will have to make that realization yourself and take the plunge into self examination with a good therapist or psychiatrist (and if you've read other posts in here you'll see that we all don't get lucky with the first P or T we find, so you have to shop around - I suggest a good starting point is reading about Ps or T's from you area at www.ratemds.com) Hopefully your Dr will see that you need help and make a good referral to someone.
But it's clear that you need someone to talk to and to help you figure out how to heal yourself!
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!

Be well,
Holly