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Hi Everyone,

I've been lurking for a while now so I thought I should make the leap and say hi Hi . I've learnt so much from reading about your struggles and I admire your courage especially facing attachment and transference issues which has given me the strength to keep going. I'm at my breaking point now with my t and I'm wondering can any of you shed some light in this darkness?

I've been in therapy for 5 years and this year has been the hardest one. My relationship with T has been seriously strained by her inconsistent behaviour (minor but is a very big deal to me to feel safe with her) and my anger has kept her out for the last few months which she has found challenging to say the least! She went on holidays which was more upsetting than usual for me as we had been working on inner child stuff so all the abandonment issues came out big time! I told her I would miss her and was afraid she was going to die (two family bereavements this year)but she didn't seem to grasp the gravity of her leaving. Two weeks past and my life became an emotional roller coaster which I found very difficult to cope with (huge anxiety about meeting people, going out). So when I saw her again we had a talk about what was going on between us that was preventing the real therapy. We came to an understanding of being more open with each other and her checking in with me more often.

So the following session, I told her everything that was going on for me, all the stuff that i keep bottle up for months because I was so angry with her. I was really on the edge and she was really great. But then after the session my anxiety peaked because its always been a pattern of a big disclosure session and then the next one - everything turns to shit (she doesn't get it, says something hurtful, there's always something!).

So yesterdays session I was very anxious this was going to happen but everything seemed ok, until I got really upset and then had a panic attack in front of her. She helped me through it and I felt so relieved. She was talking about minding myself and just out of my mouth fell 'I wish you were my mom!!!!!!!!!!'. She asked me what I said and I repeated it. There was the longest silence which the shame gremlins filled most successfully. Red Face And then she proceeded to suggest ways I could comfort myself with no acknowledgement of what I just said! I told her I just needed a few minutes to get my head together before I left to shut her up but she continued and I just said ok to everything. She asked was I cross, I said no, badly masking being hurt by her dismissive response or complete lack of one. I then said do you not know why I am upset? She said was it about what we were talking about but I knew that was just a cover. I said I just said something to you and you didn't acknowledge it at all, I don't know if you didn't hear me and if so thats fine (thinking I could swallow it all back!). She said she didn't know how to respond to me because its a delicate issue. So I said you just decided not to acknowledge me at all? She said she if she said it would be something we have to talk about it would have come out clumsy. I said you've said many clumsy things to me before and it was ok because I knew you were making an effort. But just not acknowledging me at all! I said I feel really angry and before I would have hung my head and coward out of here but I'm not because I did nothing wrong, I felt comforted by you and I just wished that my mom could see me the way you do. And the fact that your not able to acknowledge what I said is your own fear and has nothing to do with me. She said she'd have to take it on board and look at it. I left and then text the next day I was finished with therapy. She sent the usual dry response back that we have discussed previously that this is what therapy is all about and if i want to work through it she'll be there for my app. But I just got the sense that she has had enough of me. She was burnt out before she took a break and I feel thats all my fault and now this. It always happens and I'm tired of our relationship being such a volatile central piece to my therapy.

If you've read through my ramblings and got this far....thank you. If you have any insight into the situation I'd be very grateful, my t really means the world to me in every sense as right now she is my only person and losing her on top of all the other losses in my life, i just don't even want to think about it. Is it me or is it her? Should I go back? Do you think I was right about it being her fear? She doesn't have kids, I don't know does that even matter! I think I am going crazy trying to work out her head without projecting! Any comments, insights are much appreciated. And thank you for this space to unload my upset and confusion.

Lexi
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Welcome and thank you for sharing.

It sucks that your T didn't acknowledge it - I'm not going to try to psychoanalyze her and why she may have said it - it could be clumsy, it could be some deep dark issue... but it's her job to deal with it. I have found it's not useful to start trying to figure out the personal reasons why my T screws up. That said, I'd be upset too.

I'm glad she is taking it 'onboard' to figure out how not to be so clumsy. I've said things in my moments of deep pain that T really couldn't go in further with because she knows many of my triggers and where we are in session if I can tolerate it or not. Our T's try to keep us 'in the window' so to speak, not over or under stimulated. I think anything she'd say to such a vulnerable admission would be upsetting Frowner I don't think she chose the right thing, but I'm so glad you were able to stick up for yourself, get it acknowledged, and hopefully it can come up gently and safely later.

I hope I am not coming across too casually about this... it's not a casual situation at all... I'm coming from experience of intense rage at my T and intense mistakes on her part and mine and while you say she means a lot to you and you've done good work thus far it may be worth it to go through the ick.

I don't know if I have a cruel T, or it's just my attachment or personality style or what... but I don't think a T means they do not care if they encourage 'you' to calm down and try to help 'you' manage. We need to manage these things outside of the office, at least that is my thoughts... I've seen a lot lately on the boards that it's very triggering when a T says words of responsibility because they can often come off dismissing and thoughtless. I don't think the spirit of the words is meant as rejection... emotional flashbacks don't understand that though and that is particularly hard to work through.

I'm sorry your T sends dry responses back - many do, especially through text or e-mail. My Ts tend to respond in a non-dry way, and I'm not sure what therapeutic reasons that is for, or if it's their personality/working style. I don't think it means a client or a T is good or bad... just like I don't think this situation is a you or her in the wrong sort of thing.

Anyway my insight, for what it's worth is to suffer through and see how it can go. It's a VERY vulnerable admission you made, it was handled clumsily in the moment, and I know when I'm vulnerable with my T I'm able to push her away, feel distance, fear, etc much easier... so I think that is normal too among your other concerns as well.

Again, welcome!!!
quote:
Is it me or is it her? Should I go back?

I think it was something that happened BETWEEN you, in the real relationship you have. You opened up unexpectedly and she responded clumsily. You very bravely adressed that and she said she'd take it on board. And from there on you continue your work. It's painful, but it's real and you are both brave enough to face it.
love
((((LEXI))))

Welcome!! I haven't a clue as to what you should do about your T but have to say that I was very impressed by your presence of mind and your courage to address her lack of acknowledgement right then and there in the moment. That, as far as I can tell, is what therapy is all about. You felt secure enough in what you were feeling, you knew what you were feeling and you expressed it without backing down.

I too think it's shitty of her not to acknowledge a statement like that. It's as if she just let it drop to the ground. She wasn't there to catch it. At that moment, she abandoned you emotionally and that really sucks.

She might just be the sort of person who isn't aware of how they emotionally abandon people. She just might not be that generous in sharing her emotions. I know I need someone who gets that. Maybe you do too?

It's hard to say if she is tired of you or you are projecting and you are tired of her. Maybe she has abandoned you once too many times, causing you unnecessary pain and heartache.

Just some thoughts. Sorry if they sound grim.
Thank you Catalyst, Elsewhere and Liese. I really appreciate all your responses.

It has taken me this long to reply because after reading what you wrote Catalyst, I just cried and cried, realising the gravity of the words that just fell out of my mouth and thinking about sitting across from her trying to reason it out. Its very daunting to say the least and I think if I go back will be a game changer in how she is with me in future. And no, I don't feel you were coming across casual at all. It sounds like you really have an understanding of this challenging therapeutic dance! And I completely agree with you about the importance of being able to regulate my emotions outside the office. I think thats the issue - allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to let her see whats going on for me so as she can help me but fearing getting closer to her and depending on her. I just blew that whole pattern that we had going on up by saying i wish you were my mom. Shit! I hate inner child shit! Feeling intense shame now...it really is ick! How do I go back after that???

Thanks Elsewhere for for the encouragement and for acknowledging the realness of the relationship which on my crazy days seems like a big fantasy that no one knows about. Now, that its sunk in and I got out my anger I really don't feel brave anymore.

And thank you Liese, I appreciate your honesty.Your words sound so familiar, its like my wise self is speaking to me! I've talked to her about being my safety net, trying so hard to find an analogy that would make her understand what I need. But now that I've said what I said its like it has a whole new meaning! Which I feel will seriously limit my ability to ask for what I need. And yes, emotional abandonment is the exact word...really does feel like shit now. But apart from the impending shit storm, I really appreciate you all acknowledging my pain. My app is for tomorrow...might sleep on it and text her tomorrow if my heart feels strong enough to go there. I just realised how alone I was feeling with all this, thank you for the warm welcome and understanding.

Lexi
Hi again,

Was just about to thank you and update you as you suggested, when I saw that you took down your post Ms. Control. I'm really sorry if it was anything to do with me Frowner , I've been over-whelmed with therapy stuff the last few days and your lovely comments (para-phrasing) especially about her not knowing what an honour it was for me to say 'that' gave me the courage to deal with the aftermath.

T has been really great although I'm anxious putting this out there as it might just evaporate! She apologised which meant so much to me and says she would never intentionally hurt me in anyway. She didn't really have an answer as to why she responded that way with me, she said she had a block around it but as we work with it, it will loosen things up. I didn't really mind that she didn't have an answer because I think thats her stuff and I just have too much going on in my own head to have crazy imaginings about her life and what is going on for her (thanks Catalyst for that lesson!)

She said she can really see a pattern now of how I find ways to through us off course when we get near my feelings or its just too close to the bone for me. So she said we have to find a way to communicate when its too much or when I'm feeling small. She asked for ideas and I felt really silly saying this (but she got it out of me eventually!) about having stones with different feelings on them so I could just pick them out when it was too hard. I feel kind of excited about doing this together with T (painting them Smiler ) but I'm scared if it doesn't work or if its a bad idea. Has anyone tried this or anything like this?
quote:
having stones with different feelings on them so I could just pick them out


Hi...

I did a session that was supposed to be for group PTSD support (which it really didn't end up that way), but anyway, the group leader had these cards that had feelings on them....she shuffled and dealt us (the two people that showed up) cards and we chose three....

My T came in a bit later (she was supposed to be the second group leader, but I found she wasn't there the whole time) and said she loved the cards....

Now that you've reminded me about it, I should remind my T about it and I feel like asking her to get some cards like that for me to use in session....
Hi Ninn, thanks for sharing about the cards, maybe that would be a better idea than the stones. Sometimes things feel like a big commitment that I won't be able to get out of. Probably me just running away from my feelings again! It's great that your t like the cards so it might not feel strange bring them into your session.

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