Well, I realize that part of it could be my limbic system trying to get me to run away from therapy. Our connection has grown much deeper recently, and I'm not sure how to handle it. However, another thought struck me: What if I'm sensing some sexual tension in the room?
To be clear, my T has never done anything to make me think that he's attracted to me in that way. He's never commented on my appearance or given me the elevator stare. But...he clearly admires me. And last session when he was gazing into my eyes, I thought I saw a spark there - like he was romancing me in his mind.
As soon as I had this thought, I freaked. And then I wondered at the freakout. If I know my T will never act on any feelings he has, why do I care if he has them? Why does it make me feel unsafe? And then I realized this has something to do with my father.
***Potential Triggers*** My father only abused me once, but I could tell he thought of doing it again. Last night I had a dream where he was back in my life and trying to seduce me again as a grown woman. ***End Triggers***
And then I had the thought that maybe this perception I have of sexual tension coming from my T is just a projection I've cooked up in my head to avoid experiencing deep emotional intimacy. I don't know. It's really confusing. And, per usual, I should probably bring this up next session, but...talking about how he might feel? It's unsettling.