I do think self compassion is extremely important. Not having any pretty much guarantees emotional problems. Many of us think ruling ourselves "with an iron fist" is the only way to go, because we were treated that way as children. However, I think being encouraging and understanding to yourself is much more motivating in the long run.

Jillian, if you already treat your kids with compassion then you just have to direct it to yourself. Talk to yourself empathetically in your head, do nice things for yourself, and forgive yourself when you mess up, just like you'd do all those things for your kids. It takes a lot of practice

Hi Jillann... self compassion is something I do not understand at all. I have none and have no idea how to develop this. I was never on the receiving end of getting compassion and was ruled in my childhood with an iron fist. The whole concept is a mystery to me.

I was recommended that book by Neff awhile ago. I tried to read it but didn't get far. The whole thing made me feel nauseous and I had to put it down. It all seemed so hokey to me. I have not picked it back up since then.

I am sorry to be so negative but this is my experience. Someone may be in a better place and more open to learning about self-compassion. Maybe I'm just not there yet.

I wish you the best, Jillann

TN

Finally something I know a little about.
Yes, it is hard to try it at first. Something on the lines of: I don't deserve that! And nauseous I recognise at well.
Nowadays I couldn't do without.
I don't read books, but listen to talks by Tara Brach (tarabrach.com) or guided meditations by Christopher Germer (http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/meditations_downloads.php)
Not easy, often confrontational, but also empowering - something you can do for yourself, especially when we often feel so dependent on our T.'s.
Try it, in little doses. Hope it helps.
love

Hi Jillann,
I think self-compassion is crucial. I am an imperfect work in progress but much better than I used to be.

And I have definitely found that practicing self-compassion has helped me to grow and ironically, face really hard stuff that I could not face while being "tough" with myself.

I have recently been through a really difficult passage in one of my closer relationships. This person had to confront me about some ways in which I had failed them (very legitimately I might add). If I let the shame take over and gave into believing I was truly terrible, then I crumple, abandoning the other person and leaving them unheard and on their own to tend to their hurts alone. But with a lot of really difficult work and the heroic extension of compassion from my T, I have learned to take a more self-compassionate stance of recognizing that I am human, that no matter how hard I tried (and frankly I have busted my hump working on healing), I didn't always get it right or in reacting to my past, was not available when I should have been. I am working on accepting I did my best.

This freed me up to stay present and hear about the other person's hurts and tend to them. Its some of the harder work and growth that I have ever done, the shame was excoriating, but it turned out that the key to working through the shame was to talk about it with my T and see his compassion so I could learn to treat myself with compassion. That is what gave me the strength to do the right thing.

I believe our deeply embedded shame is what gets in the way of our self-compassion. So I find the best way to give me access is what BLT referred to. I think about a friend being in the same situation I am with the same history and how would I feel about them. THAT reaction, undistorted by my shame (because I do not feel shame about them) is really the appropriate one. Then, despite how wrong it can feel, I act as if that's how I deserve to be treated. It gets easier with time as you realize that nothing bad happens if you cut yourself some slack (our being so hard with ourselves was originally a defense against screwing up and getting punished or abused by our caretakers. So easing up on ourselves feels dangerous.)

AG

Hi Jillian

Check out my "Love Me Anyways" thread. Loving ourselves anyways despite our imperfections equals self-compassion. We are all just human after all.

Hi All,

I've been wanting to come back to this discussion for awhile now. Life has just been really busy for me.

I have been reading Brene' Brown's the gifts of Imperfection. It is a really little book and I've skimmed the whole thing but I find that to truly understand and absorb what she is saying I have to go back and read very slowly and sort of sit with it. In the book she lists 10 guideposts to living a wholehearted life. The second guidepost is letting go of perfectionism and cultivating self-compassion. I really liked her explanation about perfectionism. She says " Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a sheild. "

I definatly feel that I was raised to only show perfect to the world. All chaos could be going on at home but what showed on the outside had to be perfect. I find I am able to cut myself some slack when I don't perform well or act according to my "perfect" plan. What I have the hardest time with is decision making. I can know that there is no perfect answer but I will be absulutely paralyzed looking at all possible option and still not being able to make a decision. I know this drives my husband crazy. I've been trying for 5 years to pick out new living room furniture. I can't do it. In some ways the explosion and destruction of my mom's property by my brother was a blessing because it removed a ton of decisions I would have had to make around what to keep and what to get rid of. As it is the constant second guessing myself and judging myself around what decisions I've made is what is driving alot of the return of the ED.

She goes on to talk about Dr. Neff's work on self-compassion. According to her self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-kindness is being warm and understanding with ourselves when we suffer, fail of feel inadequate rather that ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. (Que the neasea!) I really struggle with seeing this as possible or healthy. But I am trying.

Common Humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the human experience- something we all go through rather than something that happens to me alone. (I know this, and some really sad tragic things have happened to folks around me lately so I can see this in my life. But, I still really alone in my personal tragedy) I do think I need to try to reach out more but I am a sandwich generation person. I'm raising children while trying to care for my dying mother. I know other parents and I know other folks dealing with Alz. I just don't know other folks trying to do both. When I can't meet my kids desires because I have to care for my mom I feel like a failure and when I don't see or care for my mom as often as I think I should because of my kids, I feel like a failure. There is no sucess anywhere in this equation.)

Mindfulness is taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not "over-identify" with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity. (I'm really working on this one. To me this means live in the moment. Something that living with a loved one that is fading due to Alzheimer's really shows me. There is only this moment for mom. She won't remember it in a few mintutes time. Just enjoy it now. And just let the bad go now. That too is soon forgotten.)

I just wanted to share a little of what I'm working on. I don't know if it is meaningful for anyone but I thought I would throw it out there.

Jillann