Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
I just got a call from my old department that I worked for before I had Boo. I applied for a job there a month ago and they'd like to interview me. It's basically the same job I had before I left, but not working for the crazy boss who screwed me out of my maternity leave. If many of the same supervisors are still there, it's very probable I'd get the job as long as I don't blow the interview. They loved me and said I was the best admin they ever had. That is because I kept taking on more and more to keep the job "interesting" as it was below my skill level. In two years, I had four raises, two promotions and more than quadrupled my duties, being assigned extra projects, commissions, etc.

There are several PROS to taking the job:
* More money - if they give me the raise I would be asking for, I would be taking home more money and consistent money to budget on than I currently make in my childcare work. Finances are a HUGE problem and this could keep us from having to shortsale our place down the line (although that may be for the best).
* Quality time with Boo - being mommy all the time AND working in childcare means I get a lot of quantity time, but can get very drained and not have as much quality family time with her and H as I would like.
* Working with people I like - as long as my last boss is gone, I LOVE all the supervisors there. They are very down-to-earth, cool, non-triggering people who like and respect me...though some have moved on and there are new people as well.
* Distraction - with tasks that require a lot of mental energy (sorry, laundry and dishes don't count), I will be less likely to live in my head all week long, so I probably won't be processing dissociated emotions all the time.
* On the off chance that my H ever lost his job, back up health insurance, a second income enough to rent a cheap apartment, etc. would help.

There are a lot of CONS:
* Boo is doing better with school, but still having some separation anxiety with Mommy. I can't imagine leaving her for 50 hours a week when six (plus whatever hours I'm in therapy) is so hard. I know, realistically, I will have to do so in a couple of years for Kindergarten, but I imagined it escalating slowly (i.e. longer preschool classes next year). The only people I know for sure she would be OK with full-time currently have or are up for other jobs.
* I would have to cut down on therapy, because daytime sessions would be off-limits. So, we are talking going from about four or five hours a week right now to about three (possibly just one 1.5 hour session if T can't get me in for a second). This would be a combination of my availability, T's availability, and my unwillingness to take more time away from Boo, so I'd only meet him around her bedtime. I also wouldn't have time/energy to to the journaling that has been so helpful between sessions.
* I wouldn't be able to watch the little girl who I have since she was one-month-old. She is Boo's best friend and they live too far away for convenient playdates on the weekends.
* I'm likely to be inclined to shut down, dissociate again, to be functional. It could either slow down the therapy process (not altogether bad) or cause me to abandon it.


But, the main thing, other than worrying about Boo, that concerns me is...

I'm selling myself short. I know I can do more. I like helping people. I'm good at it. I'm organized, a good planner, a good writer. I could probably do the job in the description in less than 25 hours a week if they would let me (they wouldn't when I asked about converting to part-time previously). But, it completely under-utilizes my creativity. I'll have to make up ways to creatively engage. I could pursue writing and publishing, but fear of failure and lack of ambition keeps me from it. I could sell my little animals, but it feels like it cheapens them to do it.

Every job I have applied for and taken has been like this. I don't use my Japanese degree (and am losing the language), because I never had enough confidence in it. I have submitted my poetry all of once (just four poems to one magazine), despite having numerous teachers and a couple of well-known, published authors saying I had something to offer there. My T is eagerly encouraging me to turn my journal into a memoir or finish and publish the fairy tale I am writing. Instead, I take a job I can sleepwalk through, will never fail at, will find no challenge in, will get bored of and ultimately feel unfulfilled with on an intellectual/creative level, despite being interpersonally content. At least being home with Boo feels like making a difference and engages some creativity, even when I'm not intellectually challenged. But, there is so much good feeling in having a job, helping with our finances, being around people I enjoy. Maybe that is enough? I want to want to be more. I'd love to be the seemingly incredible person that other people see in me, but I just can't believe she's in there. She's some sort of mirage that people see when lost in the desert of my soul.

Sorry, I've gone quite weird here. Anyway, something as stupid as an interview offer trudges up all this self-loathing and I feel trapped, because I want stability (financial, relational, etc.), but I also want to do something incredible, to live up to my own passion. It's never something I have been able to let myself pursue. I think of what I just posted in Liese's thread about mothers and I can understand why I can't find something that is about ME and what I love and am good at and "meant for." It's dangerous for me, you know, as a mom, to feel meant for anything as a result. It's such a threat. So, I will be less than my full self, but I will be safe.
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

It's funny, you know what my reaction to a lot of this was?

"Gee, this sounds like great stuff to talk about in therapy!"

You know, I guess you have the option to do the interview, and be honest and really ask for what you want in terms of hours or being part time. Then the worst is that they say no, and from there you can decide what your bottom line is.

From what I know about you so far, you are someone who really DOES have a lot to offer. But you might be very psychologically blocked about it. So you have the options of trying to work through that blockage in therapy, or you have the option to take a risk and dive for what you want even though it scares you, and see what comes of it!

You have options! Isn't that great?!
hi yaku!
decisions like that can be really hard!... it sounds like you know what you would like though, even though you might not get there immediately. can you insist that you take the job but only part time? sounds like they really like you and know you can do the work well, and now you might have more bargaining power. and even if they don't accept it, you still have other options like you were saying.
decisions are tough... having to chose and live with the consequences... hmmmm...

good luck!

hugs,
puppet
Thanks for the advice, you guys.

I guess, I'm less concerned with this actual decision and more the long-term issue I have with lacking ambition for the things that I really want, love, feel inspired by.

An update is, my interview is officially scheduled and so that I would not have references from any of the people interviewing me, as that would be a bit redundant. Turns out my two main references are the interviewers for this position. I'm feeling a bit awkward now. Funny thing is, more than anything else, I am just super pumped and excited to see these two people, whether or not I end up taking a job.
More possible pros? Regular interaction with adults (some you already know you like). And feeling more productive, maybe more of a sense of achievement.

quote:
I guess, I'm less concerned with this actual decision and more the long-term issue I have with lacking ambition for the things that I really want, love, feel inspired by.


More possible cons? Maybe resentment of having taken that job...what you could have done. working less than your potential could possibly build future resentment and regrets. You might look back and seriously wish you had the fairy tale published. I'm currently working much below my potential, and it sux so bad...which not only has an adverse effect on my life in so many ways, but also my therapy. But I think there has been a self-sabateour involved who didn't think she deserved a better job...and therapy is just starting to help with this issue as i'm starting to career search more than I have been in a couple of years.

Another thing to consider-if you can work part-time, are you thinking of fewer days per week or fewer hours? I've worked part time, 5-hour shifts, 5 days a week. Though it was so long ago, with the commute, i recall feeling like I worked full-time.

Wow, tough decision. Confused

Remember though, you are young...and-you can always quit. If you feel bad about quitting, you could always stick around for say a year, then quit. Making decisions are sometimes more difficult when you feel like you are stuck with an either/or outcome. Good luck.
This about sums it up. Big Grin It's how I felt for years.

I'm Unworthy by Cheryl Wheeler

It was part of the neverending quest to finally be good enough to be loved by my parents. I worked for years to earn something from my therapist, that I always had from him. It can still bite me in the ass occasionally ( don't think I'll ever be quite free of the struggle) but it's about being able to say that who we are is acceptable and worthwhile. No qualifications, nothing to prove. Yup, there are things I want to work on because I want to improve and become closer to the person I want to be, BUT while I'm working on those things I'm already worthwhile. It's nice to actually be able to relax into who I am sometimes (again have to emphasize the sometimes Smiler).

AG
Xoxo - yes, the interaction with adults is definitely a plus and these are really great people, fun, funny, and I know accepting of me already. I think, you know, I've just turned 31. There is plenty of time for what could be without having to worry I've sabotaged myself beyond repair. Like you say, it's not like I have no options at all. I would love it if they would let me do it part-time, but I doubt that's the case.

Liese - I should clarify that the 50 hours includes travel time to drop Boo at daycare and get to work. Thanks for your opinion. It is a large investment, a full-time job, the kind of intensive therapy I've been doing and trying to be an engaged mom. I think the therapy would have to be what goes, at least partially. I have written about it in my journal, but T and I haven't had a chance to discuss yet. Maybe I will ask his opinion on Monday. Although, he always just thinks I am amazingly capable of anything and is supportive, so I probably won't get much in the way of what he thinks of my doing therapy with a full-time job. I did have the full-time childcare job in November and all the parts work got intensely shut down and setback, so maybe he can discuss what it would mean for our work together if that happened again.

BG - Yes, the never enough message is totally there. Honestly, I think my family is proud of me, very proud, but I still have that message. I can't see anything through. I play the drums...kind of. I play the guitar...kind of. I kind of still speak Japanese. I kind of write. I kind of sew. I will always stop short of investing in mastery. I don't know if it's fear of failure or fear of success. I have no idea what it is. I think the amusing part is, for the longest time, just being a mom and a wife and going a good job with those things and keeping my other skills kind of hidden and only sharing them with one person at a time, it used to be enough for me. I don't know if it's all I thought I could do, so it had to be enough. But, suddenly, since therapy, I'm questioning how and why I have all these other things that people think I am "great" at and I love doing and would really make me happy to invest more of myself into, but I get paralyzed at the thought of it. So, my never enough, I think, is not a "what I am doing is not enough for me to be happy with myself," as much as it is, "what I am doing is not enough for me to feel like I really put myself into something." It's almost like my failure to have ambition is a fear of investing myself into the world, of being visible, of doing anything that would really connect me in a larger way. I don't know if I'm explaining this right. I'm afraid I will never want anything more for myself, but I'm also afraid to want more for myself. I don't know which is scarier.

hopeful - Thanks for understanding and the hugs. That means a lot all on its own! Smiler

AG - Thanks for the song. LOL, it doesn't matter what I do. It's always going to be wrong or bad or not enough. I'm not sure whether I feel like I have something to prove or whether it's just that...I want to want more for myself, I really do. I want to be a person who thinks their own passions are worth pursuing, but I just can't seem to muster up the energy for that sort of faith. I guess, give me a few more years in therapy first. Wink

Add Reply

Post
×
×
×
×
Link copied to your clipboard.
×
×