Hi LongRoad,

I'm always weary of going out to seek repressed or further repressed memory. For things I don't remember, and I know there are things that happened I certainly don't my T leaves it at... there is probably a reason and we instead focus on the emotions. What I feel in response to thinking of that person, or body memories that come up even at random and work with those without needing a 'story' so to speak. It's a very abstract way to process and I prefer it over worrying or digging back to find what may have been. I know not everyone is like this.

What I am paranoid with myself is wanting something so bad it becomes a reality, wanting to go back and there HAS to be something and so of course I'll turn something up. It's mostly because I do know already a lot of what is back there. I can imagine it is hard to really suddenly come across things, I have no idea what that would be like and I imagine it is terrifying.

I like MC's idea about talking to those in your childhood. I've done that a couple of times. I wouldn't consider the things I remember repressed, just reminded. I've heard a song or smelt a smell and will get a visual on something, sometimes it is not visual.

Anyway, my suggestion for what it is worth is to talk about your feelings about an abuser, or about your childhood. Think of an age, picture your childhood home... what comes up? It doesn't have to BE anything. I often work in somatic therapy and will feel things (like floating, and that is impossible for the most part) or I will feel sensations like cutting or burning but I have no scars, nor a visual memory but it's all still something from back at another time. It's still meaningful even if I don't know who or what or what it represents. That type of therapy may be very helpful.

Because of my past though (And this is probably why I like the therapy I do), if a T even thought for one second of suggesting or trying to find something I'd flip. Even feeling an itty bitty spec of it in someone else's story I can't handle it.

I know both of my Ts have always always encouraged the exploration of sensations and tell me I just honestly do not want to know and should it be safe for me to I might. Even my best friend will not tell me some of the things I've told her that I don't remember, or that she knows or has seen (bruises, or other injury). It's frustrating.

Anyway... I can't imagine the scary spot you are in but I have processed things before without a narrative and it's been very healing. Sometimes suspicion is enough whether factually verified or not. It's all perspective, our feelings, etc and those are so very very legitimate.

I think it's very normal few of us (not just those of us with trauma, but the 'average' person too) cannot recall many things about childhood.

I also know the mind does protect us from things we are not yet ready to process or remember.

I have memories of some trauma events where all I can recall is how I responded afterwards - there is one particular incident that I've spas flashbacks for almost a year about, but they are only about how I was immediately after it, I have no idea as to what actually happened minutes before.

I also have patches of memory about a babysitter molesting me - I can remember about 5 minutes of the entire two evenings he looked after my sister and I. And I have snippets of my traumatic response in the days after.

Then there Re things I can recall in quite vivid details, BUT have no feelings attached to them at all. One example being the death of my mother. I literally walked into the room as she was dying. I was 10 years old. I can vividly describe the look on her face, the whole scene, but I am so far removed from an ounce of emotion it really is like I'm talking about the weather.

I agree with Ms C - so items our more painful / traumatic memories can be triggered. It can come out of the blue. I had had years of extensive therapy from my PTSD, and had over a decade without a single symptom (cya how - I was cured!). BUT further trauma triggered previous traumatic memories to surface and I've spent the past 3 plus years battling PTSD and anorexia again (after years of both not being an issue at all).

I also think some memories aren't there be sue they happened when we were too young to be able to lay the memory down.

I certainly have flashback s if strong feelings I can't put into words because I experienced them at a time where my young brain wasn't capable of knowing what the hell was going on. Ie - pre-verbal trauma.

It's a hard an sometimes frustrating place to be - knowing amending happened but not owing what. All you can do is work with what you have.

What I've found most helpful is coming to a place where I can accept, 'some - a lot - of things I may never know'.

I don't think full recollection is necessary for a full recovery. I also think it would be incredibly dangerous and very damaging to try to force the memories out. Most trauma specialists say do not under any circumstances try hypnotherapy etc to 'recall' things.

We just need to trust our minds - our minds are there to protect us -even though it definitely doesn't feel like it at times, I do think we tend to only remember or have come up for us, what we can handle.

LR, Just reading your post upsets me. I try my best to not recall "shit". But, guess what, it all plays out in my dreams and I cannot escape it or, I take it out on myself. A while back, out of nowhere, I had a vision/memory and for years did not tell anyone. I asked my sister's for their thoughts and they blew it off. Turns out I was spot on. I saw what I recalled. It was real. What is crazy about that is I have no clue how that memory flashed into my head. Now I know what I saw was real. I was so happy to know I was not crazy but, have to deal with the truth now. This stuff is so difficult as I am in this struggle alone. The "family" has abandoned me. My T and husband are the only people who I have. I am truly grateful for them because they listen and beleive me.

MsC:

Thank you for your suggestion. I do have a sibling that I could discus this with but at this point in time I'm not sure I'm ready/comfortable enough to do that. For me my Complex PTSD and depression is a very personal and private matter. Only a select few people have even a vague idea of what I'm going through. It's interesting that I feel quite comfortable talking to just about anyone about anything, with the exception of my mental health. I will keep your suggestion in mind though. Thank you

Catalyst:

I like your suggestion on focusing on my feelings about my abuser and not needing to have to recall specific memories for it to be both helpful and healing. I need to do some research on Somatic therapy too. It sounds interesting. I wonder if it's anything like meditation, but more focused? Thank you

EJ:

Thank you for reassuring me that I shouldn't have a chest full of early childhood memories! I've wrestled with mental health issues for so long now I find myself often doubting my perception of reality. Thank you also for sharing some of your childhood memories and experiences with me (I hope it didn't stir things up too much for you) it offers me guidance and some insight.

Hi VH:

I sorry if my post upset you. Although I have an interest in reaching out to others and sharing ideas, stories, and suggestions, the last thing I want to do is make anyone upset. I can appreciate how fragile we are wrestling with our demons and how powerful triggers can be. I'm sorry your "family" has abandoned you but glad to hear that you have a husband and T to lean on. Thank you for sharing your story.

LongRoad

LR, My upset was fine. I did not fall apart and was able to deal with it all...( a good thing!) It made me think. I actually think too much but that is me. Please keep sharing. It helps us all to know we are not alone and there is often great comfort in knowing we have this soft place to fall. I hope everyone has a beautiful day tomorrow!!

Hi LongRoad,

Nice to meet you. To answer your question, I didn’t have many bad memories of my parents most of my life. I have been unusually close to them my entire adult life. I found it strange when a year ago after a few months of counseling, I started distancing myself from them. I couldn’t explain why, but I was starting to feel uncomfortable around them. My T would constantly ask, “Where do you think that comes from?” I would always says, “I don’t know.” As of today, I hardly speak to them.

I’ve been in counseling more than a year and knee-deep in attachment/transference mess. My T has been supportive and the worse my transference gets, the more I start to remember. The closer I get, the more I trust, the more I depend on my T, extremely painful memories of my parents have started to emerge. I realized I forgot the painful memories and idealized my parents, both as strong defense mechanisms. Now that I’ve attached to someone else (which is so painful in itself), it’s probably finally safe for me to start dealing with the painful memories of my childhood. I started remembering very specific memories appear starting from the age of 3.

My mom was physically and emotionally abusive. My dad was abusive with his neglect and indifference. This is in addition to childhood trauma that went on for seven years. I thought I was going crazy because I couldn’t believe all these things happened when I had so many good memories, too. But as I’ve gained some confidence, I talked to my siblings and other relatives. They have all affirmed that my memories are in fact true. They said our family has a lot of denial and pride, so they just overlooked all the abuse that went on. It’s actually even more devastating to me that all the adults saw the abuse and did nothing about it.

Anyway, I suspect that extremely painful memories appear only when we feel safe enough to deal with them. It’s seems as though my brain was waiting for me to be ready, even though I feel like I’m barely handling it! I think I’m in a stage of life where I have a deep faith plus a supportive T necessary to deal with the damaging truth of my past. My guess is our subconscious knows when it’s the right time to remember what’s needed in order to heal. I'm still in the remembering phase and waiting for the healing phase to come. From learning from others on this board, I have hope that healing will eventually come. It never seems to come fast enough.

Thanks for posting a great question…

PassionFruit

Hi PF,

It's nice to meet you too I find it interesting -and I think you hit the nail on the head when you said- that your subconscious mind won't let certain memories come to the surface unless it feels you can handle it. You need to feel that you are in a safe and secure place for this to happen.

I can relate to the closeness you had with your parents. I was always close to my mother and had a tolerable relationship with my father. I wanted my father to notice me, want to do things with me, tell me he was proud of me, ask me how my day was, love me. But he had little to no interest in us.

I have my next therapy session today and I feel I'm getting close to the point where some transference is going to take place. I'm dreading it, but recognize its importance in my healing process. I'm also curious but quite nervous about what distant and unpleasant memories may come to the surface over the coming sessions.

Thank you for taking the time to post your reply. I really appreciate it.

LongRoad

quote:

Originally posted by PassionFruit:
Hi LongRoad,

Nice to meet you. To answer your question, I didn’t have many bad memories of my parents most of my life. I have been unusually close to them my entire adult life. I found it strange when a year ago after a few months of counseling, I started distancing myself from them. I couldn’t explain why, but I was starting to feel uncomfortable around them. My T would constantly ask, “Where do you think that comes from?” I would always says, “I don’t know.” As of today, I hardly speak to them.


PassionFruit

PF when reading your paragraph you could have been speaking directly for me. I have always been so close to my mom. Now I am starting to realize all of the emotional abuse and the control she uses. I have been pulling away as well and have not spoken to her since Sunday. I know that's only 3 days but it is a huge deal as we usually speak multiple times a day. She lives on the same street as me!!

I can't remember anything prior to 8 years old. How long was it for you PF before the memories started coming back?