Hi, Athenacus.

It actually sounds like you're doing a pretty good job. There is so much pressure to "keep up with the Joneses" when it comes to our kids. And I know so many families who have every minute of every day scheduled. IMHO, it's too much. I believe that it's not only OK for our kids to have unstructured time but it's GOOD for them.

My DD is almost a teenager, and she has two extracurricular activities. She'd love to do more, but it's not going to happen. I am very fortunate to have an incredibly flexible job, and her activities are in the evening so it's been manageable. Same goes with getting her to school and back. I do recognize how fortunate I am in this regard. I've never actually had a job that wasn't flexible. And I'm not sure how that would work.

On the one hand, you are fortunate to have your parents' assistance, but I've read enough to know that has its own set of challenges.

What you don't mention is the involvement of your ex in your kids' activities. Does he share in the schedules/the costs, etc.?

I share custody equally and the costs are paid proportionately, and despite how abysmally my ex and I do when we have to interact with one another, we've been able to co-parent relatively well.

I know it's hard to feel like you're not able to provide your kids with everything their peers have. But this is your life with your kids. It's about being that good enough parent. They will grow up knowing you loved them and did your best, and that will be meaningful to them... something I think the majority of us here would move mountains to have had when we were children.

Hang in there...

Thank you, Path We Walk!


In my area I have to call what ex-husband and I have as far as custody/placement time goes as joint even though I have the kids a little more than 70% of the time. I believe I'm suppose to use the child support money for activities (that's one area that wasn't hammered out well in our agreement). Whichever parent has the kids at the time is suppose to take them to their activities. We actually went back to court (ex brought me back on a very serious charge that was false) and we ended up in mediation again and extra activities was one of our sticking points. I still don't quite know what ex wants or expects. Actually, I do...it's about control and controlling my schedule through the children. Unfortunately, it's not about the kids. I used to think so, but at some point I saw who he really was and the games that he plays. I thank my lucky stars that former T helped me to see that!

Ok...I better stop myself on my rant....
Thank you for "listening"/reading, Path We Walk!

I wish you all the best with your children and your ex!
If you ever want to private message me about ex/divorce/custody/parenting issues, I would welcome the conversation!

Hi... I have one son who is 14 now. I work full time with a job that is inflexible for the most part and I have no family at all near me to help with taking my son places.

He has played both baseball and basketball. Baseball is one weeknight and one Saturday per week. Basketball is even easier because it's about an hour and a half on Saturday morning. Practice is usually Friday night after 6pm. The cost through the community league is about $150 which covers uniform but not shoes. You can borrow bats and helmet but need to buy a glove. Basketballs are provided.

My son also participates in Chorus, Select Choir and an Acapella group. He is usually in the spring play at school and now takes voice lessons. Voice is at night so that is not a problem. For all the Chorus/choir stuff I give up lunch hours so I can leave work early, or he has to wait a bit at school because I cannot get there early. Or if I am lucky I can find another mom to drive him home. One of the chorus rehearsals is usually from 6pm to 8pm and I'm available at that time and will drive another kid or two home to reciprocate.

Other times I will pick him up after school during lunch hour and run back to work to finish my day. It can be very stressful and difficult to make constant arrangements and to be there for him while keeping my job. His school activities do not cost me anything aside from a T-shirt. The play did have a $50 fee.

I work fairly close to his school and home and I stay in this job because I need to be able to be there for my son. The job is not pleasant and I work for tyrants but I stay because it's important to me that my son have interests that build his self esteem and self confidence. I never had these opportunities and I have paid dearly for the deprivations of my childhood and never learned so many lessons that come from being on a team or participating in school activities. It was a choice I made and despite the difficulties I have no regrets.

Maybe you can talk to other mothers in your child's class to see if what their kids do and maybe they can take your child home afterwards.

Good luck
TN

Thank You, TN!

Once I know my fall schedule, I will probably talk to some of the parents in my children's classes about rides to and from activities, if my children are interested.

I wish you the best with the tyrants at work! Also, I good luck with your 14 y.o. and his activities!
Thank you for sharing your story!

Athenacus,

I'm one of those craze parents who has their children overscheduled. I run myself ragged trying to get them everywhere. I need to learn to tell them no.

I get the feeling your children are perhaps still elementry aged? I will say once they reached middle school things were a bit easier. First off the school day lets out a bitt later. Then all school activities are right at the school and don't have a cost associated with them. DD has played multiple sports and all practices and games were handled through the school. Music and scouts are a bit different but I've been able to work with other parents to arrange transportation.

I do think it is important for kids to be active and involved in stuff. I think it really helps if they are busy when they hit the turbulent teenage years. (mine are currently 16,14, and 12). It sounds like yours have been having a full summer with all sorts of activities. I understand the stress with ex really rachets up the guilty feelings. I'm sure as your kids get a little older, things will get a little easier. They will find activities that they enjoy and like I said when they are in middle school many of the activities take place right at school making life infinitely easier.

Good Luck,

Jillann

quote:

I do think it is important for kids to be active and involved in stuff. I think it really helps if they are busy when they hit the turbulent teenage years. (mine are currently 16,14, and 12).

Jill I agree 100% with this. Teens with good self-esteem and participating in productive and constructive interests are less likely to get into trouble. This has really helped my son make the transition to middle school almost seamlessly. He as friends and is happy which is the total opposite of my own experience in middle school.

I did want to say that while a lot of his activities are after school AT his middle school, there is no "late" bus in our district so if your kids participate you will need to somehow get them home after the activity. I imagine all districts are different.

During the summer he attends day camp every day where he swims, plays sports and does all kinds of fun stuff. He has been going to this camp for about 5 years now. He was at another younger camp before this. The cost is hard to bear, as I don't make a lot of money but he is safe and cared for and I'm hoping this is the last year I have to pay. I'm hoping he can be a counselor in training next summer and then on to being a summer counselor after that.

TN

I'm not a parent, but I was a child enrolled in every possible activity growing up. My parents worked full time and were not able to get us where we needed to be everyday. So, they found a community that had it all. We went to the Jewish Community Center after school (you don't have to be Jewish to take part in the programming). It was a safe location where we could do homework when not in an activity. Plus, there were tons of activities on site to join.

When that became too expensive, we moved over to the local Parks and Recreation programming. A Parks and Rec center also has a safe place to work and options for a number of activities all in one location. At the Parks and Rec center, though, one thing my parents did make sure of was that my sister and I were always together for added safety and/or we were with friends. There is safety in numbers, and you get the added bonus of doing the activities with your friends.

One final thing my parents tried was hiring a teenage babysitter with a driver's license. Basically, that summer, we would take care of ourselves at home but have her drive us to/from programming when needed. Kids are fine with $10/hr or so to do that kind of a job, so for a 1 hour activity that my parents couldn't drive us to, it only cost an added $20; considering the cost of gas and the cost of your time to get to your kid, it was well worth it.

Based on the age of your children, though, their schools will offer a lot of options, and they will soon figure out what limited set of activities actually interest them. By the time I was six, I knew what I wanted to do and actively refused to join other activities that my mother thought I might want to do. By the time I was ten, I had narrowed my list of activities even further to what I most enjoyed doing and it was just as fulfilling as doing a million and one activities.

As for how you feel about this situation, it sounds as if you are doing your best, and your kids will recognize that as they grow older. My parents turned out perfectly well-adjusted and happy having done almost no activities outside of their schools growing up! There's something to be said about letting a child learn to manage unstructured time, and a child that can use imagination and self-motivation to start a project at home, for instance, is better off than a child registered for a dozen activities without time to establish that independence. If you really think about this scenario, the thought that we need kids in so many programs is a modern phenomenon, and certainly not a proven necessity. And regarding your ex-husband, he clearly is not helping to manage your kids' activities, so his opinion on the matter is irrelevant and misinformed. If he had the task you have with your children, he would understand the challenge before you. Without that experience, he seems to just know how to reach your weaknesses. Really, if you talk to your kids, you'll probably be surprised how grateful they are with the opportunities they do have.

One more thing you can do, though, that my family did all the time, is use one day each month (say Saturday morning one week/month)volunteer as a family unit. You can find an organization that is important to you and your kids and make the activity more meaningful than arts-and-crafts or soccer. I think our family volunteerism offered the greatest memories and experiences of all the other activities combined!