((((yaku))))

Why do you want to cancel?

Last Pdoc (when I was deciding whether to do meds) invalidated my SU (probably inadvertently) and also kept interrupting my descriptions of dissociative symptoms to call them something else. I know I have a propensity to feel invalidated, because of past stuff, so it's probably all my fault.

Also, it's mostly group work in the program and from what the guy on the phone said, I don't know...I feel like I won't be able to talk there, so it feels pointless. He said the individual pdocs/therapists may have some experience with dissociation or dissociative disorders working with some individuals, but within the IOP and group work, largely not.

More and more I'm feeling like I'd much rather have an adjunct or a group that is specifically dealing with some similar issues (trauma, as opposed this program advertising mostly depression and substance issues, but it is the only one in network in my area).

But, my insurance is so hard to find anything/anyone through, I don't know if I'd be able to find any sort of adjunct either...they give no info on what the therapist's experience is, or even their degree...

I just want to give up, except my main reason for doing this is to not have it all be on T, because it is a lot for him to be the only one right now.

Yeah...I have talked to T. He never says I'm too much, but at the same time, he's been clear that he doesn't have extra time to give the third session a week I occasionally need. When I was leaving, he said he keeps telling his wife he'll be cutting back (not in relation to me, but just him being worn out, because he's getting a little cold again). Anyway, I said, "Yeah, that would be easier if you didn't have a client taking four to six hours a week..." self-disparaging. I was already walking out and he said, "Hey, you're worth it!" and also that it would make everything worth it if I could just believe that. I teased him about me becoming compliant and forcing my feelings or whatever...but I want to be able to do that for both him and myself. I can only get there on an objective level, but not on a feeling level.

As far as what the problem is...it's a little of both. I don't feel safe in groups of more than a few people (like three or four) as is...and I'm already feeling the need to appear more competent/together, less distressed than I am, or something bad will happen.

I'm also having this "I'm telling" feeling where I'm going to get in trouble. Plus, this hospital is actually the one I went to as a kid, although all I remember is appointments when my little sisters were kids, not my own, so I remember the waiting room for the Ped area vaguely. Anyway, makes me think they'll say, "We have all your records, there is no way that any bad stuff happened to you, we would have noticed." I know that's a ridiculous fear, but I'm terrified...there are whole parts whose "stuff" is, "Don't tell! They won't believe us!"

Anyway, it's too late for me to cancel now. I'm dissociating pretty bad. I just need to get there and do it. I need extra help. I just wish there was a way to do it that felt safer. I'm losing time more lately, having weird dissociative symptoms, and going into crisis as seems to be my habit this time of year for some reason...I need the help, but I just don't know if this is the right option. I try to keep reminding myself I'm not being committed or anything. I can back out if it doesn't work. Though I get scared if I share about the occasional SU they will try to put me in more intensive treatment...

I don't know.

I wish my T could just go with me.

I'm also scared because he said they'll probably ask for my file...which is huge...and will take T a bunch of time to fax over.

I said something like maybe he could just write a summary, a few paragraphs or even one stating my diagnosis and current distress level (I was hoping for that to combat being disbelieved), but he said that would probably take him more time, since writing is not his strong point, but he always wants to do a really good, professional job of it. So, now I feel like the thing I'm doing to relieve stress on him will cause more.

(((Yalu))) I hope it goes okay. Ps usually don't care about diagnosis, more symptoms (Meds take care of symptoms and there is no "DID cocktail" or "Depression Sampler" ya know? So I hope you don't feel invalidated. My P knows some of my relevant trauma history from my T but in session with my P (for 30 mins) we only talk symptoms and current stuff and the "details are for you and T" she says and that's made it so much less scary to go. I hope you get a P experienced with dissociation - I take a med that helps mitigate it and something else for depression, anxiety, night terrors. It's scary at first, or was for me.. So my heart goes out to you.

Groups... I really support. I was in an ED group and despite my constant dissociation and trauma I got a lot out of group relationally and in skills and stuff. Groups would be too traumatizing if people just talked about their trauma or switched all over the place - at least for me that wouldn't be effective and I'd be super scared. Some trauma stuff came up in context but it was always gently explained with no vivid detail (as agreed on and asked of the group). You can learn a ton from other's experiences too... It's like here where you get to see the inner process of people. Any suicidal ideation talk wasn't discussed or processed in group - the group leader would just see you after briefly to assess safety. I know when assessing my safety the feedback of my T was valued highly (she could tell them what I could get through on my own and what I was trusted with doing).

Anyway... Hope all goes well... Update us so we can be here for you. I hope your P is non-judgmental. I know diagnosis are important but with a P it should be your day to say life management who cares what you have if there is a symptom... That's what you treat if it can be treated not get in to a somantics issue - I've had that happen to me and it pissed me off (has happened in the hospital too, I refused a discharge and payment if one if the diagnosis a stupid training P who saw me 10 minutes a day for 4 days was not removed from my records and insurance). Ps are so hit and miss.

Belated ***TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions SU and communicating about it***

(((Cat))) This new Pdoc isn't for meds. There just has to be one seeing if I should be in the program and coordinating my participation. They said after the first meeting, I probably won't see them much. I'm just on high alert after the last one kept asking questions about my experiences and then knocking them down. Like, she doesn't worry when she treats moms with SU, because a mother would never, ever do that. When she told me that was months after a close call during time loss, so I felt like I couldn't even say how serious things were. I did make sure they won't force me on meds to be on the program. I'm opening to listening about them, but I don't want it to be required.

As far as groups, I like the idea of a group, but I don't know what I would even talk about. Like, I feel so toxic all the time that there is almost nothing I can imagine feeling safe sharing. It's hard enough just with T to not feel that way. I definitely wouldn't want to share anything triggering. And other stuff that's less triggering, but more about how I experience myself, I'd be terrified to say, because it sounds so crazy sometimes.

I care less about my diagnosis being validated and more that, I kind of tend to go to this place where it's not true, these parts don't exist, the stuff they say happened is all entirely made up (even stuff I actually remember I start to question, because my mom would say, "No, it didn't happen that way," and be so believable that it literally screwed up my ability to know whether things I remember are true).

(((SP))) Thanks for all your support and for letting me know how you understand. Yeah SU = suicidal urges. The thing is, for the most part, it was good all Summer. And since it's gotten bad again, most of the time, it is not any real inclination. But to tell someone you "hear" someone in your head talking about it, being very upset and threatening it...or that you have these intrusive images about doing it...and then come out of nowhere. I mean, they come after triggers, but I myself am not always aware of being at all upset when I hear/see these things. In fact, usually I'm not. Anyway, so that combined with the bigger/more frequent blank spots/time loss is scary. But, it's a really hard thing to tell anyone about. I am terrified someone won't understand and will say schizophrenia even though many of those positive "schneiderian first rank" symptoms are documented to occur with dissociation.

The main reason I'm in such distress lately is that I am having body memory or other somatic symptoms like crazy. I don't know if it's from being in physical therapy, so I'm having to tune into my body more often, or something this time of year (it has happened at least two other years in the last three that I remember). Anyway, I don't know whether/how to talk about that stuff, because when I get relief from it, I feel mostly fine and my distress/anxiety is much lower. I would love some sort of somatic adjunct, but I can't find anyone in this area that would be covered by insurance at all. In fact, most of them are in the big cities, which are quite a commute (traffic) and I can't drive in due to anxiety.

Just...I can check it out and say it's not for me. I need to keep that in my head. For all I know, they'll meet with me and think this particular option isn't a good fit or I'm not a good fit for them or something. Who knows? It's not set in stone...

(((turtle))) Sorry for the delay, but I really appreciated your quick support there, even just the hugs and the question, 'cause I was on my way to take the post down when I saw you replied and so I was able to leave it up...