(((Athenacus)))) Hope you get that job! And, if not, that something even better comes along for you.

Birthday's can be bittersweet can't they? Wishing you a good, healing and successful year.

sb

sending acknowledgement and positive thoughts your way. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you, sb and ghost girl!!!


F*@K! Guess who I just ran into about two hours ago? Yes, former T!!!
We just had about a two to three minute conversation. I wanted more. I wanted an all night talk or at least a session. I made it brief and only talked business for a few seconds and said goodbye. Why am I so attached to her??? Why can't I let this relationship go? I feel I need her in my life in some capacity, but I don't know how or why or if that's even healthy.

Well, I think I need to make myself go to bed before I end up contacting her by email and making a mistake.
Thank you all for being here for me!

Hi Athenacus -

quote:

Why am I so attached to her??? Why can't I let this relationship go? I feel I need her in my life in some capacity, but I don't know how or why or if that's even healthy.

These are good questions! I wonder what she represents at those deeper levels of your psyche? She clearly has a powerful symbolic role for you, and I wonder what that is. Is she an image of a neglected area of your self? Or a denied area of your self? Is she a stand-in for someone from the past? Does thinking/fantasising about her give you a 'fix' that allows you to avoid painful aspects of the present?

I really would like to know what you think.

Jones,
Brilliant questions! Thank you! Since I have some time today to sit back and reflect, I will ponder these questions.

Some of my thoughts on former T and me....

Is she an image of a neglected area of myself? Or a denied part of my self? Possibly

I will describe somethings about her and then reflect on that.
Former T is a feisty (someone I know describes her as a "real pistol"), independent, intellectual, spry, seemingly physically fit, well dressed, and well-educated woman, who has been through a lot during her almost 60 years on this earth. Much of the time she has a light or brightness about her that I just feel drawn to (warmth, friendliness, and a kind of charm). She also has a sad, vulnerable, angry, assertive, controlling/demanding, unorganized, and ill side that I've seen. Hmmm...I guess, she is human!

She is actively involved in some community charity groups, goes to rock concerts, runs races, attends football games, skis, travels, teaches T classes, reads, talks about sports, has been known to go to bars and drink beer, cares for her several pets, and is a divorced and widowed mother of two adult children (who she raised primarily on her own). I hope that when I reach her age (in about 18 years), I am active and healthy and still look in my 40's!

The feisty, independent, active, and fun parts of her that I see, I might be neglecting or denying in myself. Some of that, I think, is due to my current financial situation, living arrangement,and schedule.

Does thinking about her give me a "fix" so that I can avoid thinking about the present?
Not exactly.
When I see a vision of her or think of a past time with her, I usually feel supported, comforted, and encouraged to keep moving forward and that's usually what I need in that present moment. I've been replaying how her face lit up last night when I glanced her way and she said, "Hi, how are you?" I remember that it felt wonderful to see her face light up like she was happy to see me!
If for some reason, I'm thinking of a session that didn't go well or a time when we weren't getting along, then I feel sad and uneasy and wondering how we could have said or done things differently.

Is former T a stand-in for someone in my past? Possibly a combo of people. I met with her after I found out my husband at the time was having an affair. I was devastated! Former T helped me pick up the pieces and eventually move on. Maybe she stood in for a spouse in some odd way (not the sex part, obviously).
Former T listened, analyzed (saw patterns in what I told her) and guided my career path. When I was feeling discouraged, she encouraged me to not give up on my career goals and keep plugging away. One of the first things I heard from my mom about my career goal was, "Well, that's stupid!" "Why would you put all the money, time, and effort into something and come out of school with virtually nothing?"
Talk about a kick in the gut. I was crushed hearing that from my mom. Sometimes when I get discouraged or am having a difficult day, my mom will just tell me to pick a different career. That's usually not what I need. I just need validation that my feelings are real, support, and encouragement. My mother isn't always so negative though...she has her days or moments during the day. She can be helpful and supportive. My mom's areas of interest are not at all like mine, so we don't have much of a connection in that way.
So, I guess you could say that my former T was also a stand in for my mother at times.

Former counselor was also a stand in for an intellectual peer, teacher, and mentor. When T and I would talk about certain areas of psychology, counseling, theories, ideas, or books, we had this spark between us that was amazing! Both our faces lit up and I felt energized. I had stayed home with my children for several years to raise them, so when I went to talk to T, she became one of my intellectually stimulating people.

Well, I'm sure if I reflect more, I could come up with other ideas. I'm too tired and need to get to bed for the night. Maybe I'll come back to this.
Thanks again, Jones, for posing the questions!

Athenacus, it was good to read this - I feel like I understand a lot more the nature of what she means to you.

Can I give you my take on this? (I hope you don't mind. This comes from my own work on my own long-held attachments.) I think it makes a lot of sense that you can't let go of the image of her, because *you still need that stuff in your life*. You still need people around you who can support, comfort and encourage you, who will be delighted to see you. You need people who can reflect back a positive image of you - who know you are a go-getter, someone working through tough challenges to get to where you want to be. You need people who see, reflect and encourage the fun and feisty and independent parts of you.

So I think it can be really good to get those tugs of longing. Maybe it's like a little sprite tugging on your sleeve to say 'hey we still need more of this! Where are we gonna get it from today?!' And then maybe when that happens it's time to look around and within, to see where you could 'top up' in those areas. There's no one way to fill all those needs at once, or for all time - especially when there are life constraints. You know that already I'm sure. But sometimes there ARE little ways that can do a surprising amount for us, if we remember that the need is there and is in our hands.

Jones, you are a wise person!
Thank you for your perspective!

Thank you, Draggers!
Right back at ya!

My updated thoughts as I am avoiding having coffee this late in the day....

I was asked to interview for that position!!! The interview is next week! I'm feeling a bit anxious about that.

My birthday came and went. I don't feel much different. There were some things that bothered me about my birthday day, but I'm trying to move on and let some hurtful things that were said go. I plan to get together with some friends in the upcoming week or two to do a belated b-day celebration.

In today's mail I received my official internship letter. That means my clinic and supervisor are set for the fall. It also means there is no possible way that I'm interning with former T at her clinic. Some how in my heart I knew that couldn't and wouldn't happen even though I was keeping my hopes up. I'm sure I will learn a tremendous amount at this particular clinic though. They have some great groups to observe and some T's who do some fascinating therapy techniques.

Jones-I've been thinking about what you wrote. I've been noticing where I need to get my support and encouragement from. As I was driving down to my exercise class, I had to drive by former T's office building, and I felt a bit sad. Then, I got to my exercise class and loved the way my instructor and some of my classmates lit up and said hi when I entered the room. That cheered me up! They pushed me, made me laugh, and we all had a good time! That filled a part of that needing today.


I will continue to notice these things in my daily life!

Thank you all for reading!

I'm sitting having my morning coffee and reflecting a bit before I head off to work.

I had my interview the other day. Some of it went well. Of course, there are some questions that I wish I could do over, because I don't think I answered those as well as I could have. Oh well. What's done is done.
In some ways I don't have the experience they are looking for.

I'm sure I'll find out in about a week whether or not I get the job.

I also had a nice time connecting with people last weekend. I think I got some of my needs met. I still thought of former T though. I noticed on my Facebook events section that some of the community events that are coming up next month, former T will also be attending. I'm debating whether or not to go.
I miss her this morning too and I'm about to drive by her office on my way to work. Yikes! I just noticed the time...I need to head out the door.
Thanks for reading!

Another update-
More than likely I did not get the job.

I heard back from the program director already yesterday. She told me that they had an applicant that fit the job perfectly and had all of the qualifications, so they will ask that person to fill the position. If that person doesn't take the job, then maybe I have a shot at it. I don't see that happening though.
With other things going on in my life right now and in the near future, a job switch might not work out anyway. I'm going to need an extremely flexible schedule in order to get all of my counseling internship hours in this coming year.
I might end up letting my my current job go, if I can't fit in work hours. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about $ though. blah. I'll figure something out, I guess.

Ok...off to finish my afternoon coffee, read, and do some laundry.