Awe thanks eveyrne for yr replies - really helps hearing other people's experiences - I think when it's less personal (ie reading about it written by some 'expert' whose never felt or experienced it, is so clinical and ... Cold, so I find it almost impossible to relate to!).
Sorry this is so long - I write a lot as it helps me process my feelings; articulate them and get it clearer in. Y head WHAT it all means - so please bare with me! Mallard
- my T is probably the same age as me ... I've never seen a male T (and doubt I ever ever would). I've experienced different types of transference with different Ts. I've experienced mummy transference, and ET. I've experienced ET with close female friends - and it's only now, after reading a lot about it that I relaid those feelings were ET and not some form of misguided love (I say misguided because unsurprisingly, both close female friends I experienced it with were quite unwell in their own way - clearly repeating the relationship I had with my own mother).
I wasn't trying to Imply one form is 'more advanced' than the other - I guess I was curious to see if it's evidence (for myself) of some emotional maturity of my child part; moving from one mummy to ET.
I very much relate to mixed transference. I think with my current T it's both - but overall it's VERY positive. She does. It remind me in any way of my mother - I don't even know if she IS a mother herself (thank god). I feel afraid of getting close / letting down walls. I've had one experienced of feeling like she emotionally molested me (invaded me), even though I was able to be clear in my mind it was absolutely unintentional. I was able to talk it through with her, and it was resolved pretty quick. (I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her how much it had hurt - cos I KNEW it was absolutely my reaction more than any intent on her part). I have the feelings of intense FEAR and SHAME, in working on letting her in and building an emotional intimacy. But on the same hand, deep down I know I can trust her an she is very very very insightful and so awesome at her job, I trust her so much.
I think most of the time I'm able to be very clear in my own mind that all the feelings I have with and around and about her are related to my past; so it's rare that I lose insight into that - which makes it a whole lot easier to process! Ghost Girl
I think her so damn brave telling your T about the ET!!! Man that takes GUTS! I've never worked through it before either. But I can tell you, in my experience so far working through it with my T has resulted in me being able to feel so much more honestly connected to her emotionally
. Being open and honest about how she triggers past memories and feelings, I'm able to work through it WITH her, and I'm finding it so incredibly healing. I'm experiencing a level of emotional intimacy I've never that possible
- I'm beginning to get a real sense of what 'pure' love might feel like. At the same time, I am able to hold onto the fact that the 'love' I feel towards my T isn't 'real' in that there will be no other relationship in. Y life that is sooooooooo one sided - ie, she's there for me and it's all about me; my feelings are always put first; her feelings don't come into it; I don't have to meet HER needs at all; I get all the 'best' parts of her for one hour once a week - I never really get to KNOW her as she really is - so it's all representational really.
That probably didn't make much sense Affinity
. Hehehe - sorry, I did laugh out loud at the bit where you wrote about 'some uh, more adult forms of affection
I very much relate to that - which is probably why I laughed. With my current T, I haven't ever really felt longings for her to be mummy like - even though our therapeutic relationship has so many parallels with the relationship with my mother (mainly in terms of huge power imbalance); more often than not, I feel a lot of affection towards my T that mirrors that of a partner / adult relationship. I have not talked to her about it, and for now anyway, I don't feel a need to - as I feel I understand why I feel the way I do, and I don't feel it's an 'issue'.
More often than not, I feel I am able to enjoy feeling deep feelings of love towards her, without losing insight at all of what it is REALLY about (and what it's not). Sometimes it's more 'lustful' and I know in those cases, what I'm feeling is more to do with trying to tilt the power inbalance more towards ME being the one 'in control' (ie - in my fantasy, she 'wants me' and therefore becomes the vulnerable one, with me in the position of more 'power' who can decide if I want to 'give in' to what she wants - or not.) AGs blog
has helped me SO much with knowing and understanding these feelings
. I'm just not as good at articulating it as she is.
Other times, the feelings I have are more about expressing my deep care for her - in an adult way (ie sexually). I feel incredibly tender towards her, and the thought of her being sad or hurt breaks my heart
. So I guess in those times, the erotic feelings are about expressing my 'love' for her in 'an adult way'- but the overwhelming feeling is warmth, caring, and tenderness - rather than aching and longing and sadness. If that makes any sense
I must say, I actually ENJOY feeling this way most of the time. Why? Becasue for the first time in my life, I'm getting to experience a very safe, very loving, kind and caring 'relationship' - where my feelings of 'love' are able to be expressed in an 'adult' way
and even though it's in the confines of my head ('imagination')
it's nonetheless incredibly powerful.
I really do appreciate everyone sharing their experiences - I know for every reply and post shared on here by someone, there will be another few dozen people who are going through the same thing but perhaps still feeling so much shame
even thinking about it, let alone sharing about it online.
I know what has helped me IMMENSELY is reading about other people's experiences if this - it's helped me realise I'm not 'wrong' or 'flawed' and it really is ok that I have the feelings I do
(If you're one of those people, I'd just encourage you to try to start to believe your feelings are PERFECTLY NORMAL and there is NO shame or 'wrongdoing' in how you're feeling. NONE. And if you can one day summon the courage needed, it is really really important to raise it with your T. I'm SO Glad I have, as ironically, instead if it driving her further away (I was convicted she'd find me REPULSIVE
) it's reinforced our relationship and is enabling me to really work on building a deeper emotional connection with her).