(((Sb)))

Maybe she was the wrong T?

I'm sorry if it was hard to read I just have felt this way often over a very long period (way before I found you lovely people).

NHS funded help can be patchy. Here there isn't much and it tends to be short, sharp CBT. Private therapy is generally person centred not psychoanalytic in the UK. Again, what is available is highly dependent on where you live. Therapy tends to be called 'counselling' here, and there tends not to be such a focus on the relationship with the 'counsellor'. I had a major rupture with previous T... and so wanted to sort it out. I said it was important to me to work through what had happened, but she wanted to focus on the positives - the techniques that worked for me, and move on without reference to the problem that crashed the therapy. I've not found a way through that, which has been painful.

However, I DO have positive experiences. There have been moments of profound connection and things have changed in those times, permanently. I'm sorry to be a horrible jealous, needy person. And, really this post has been a confession of my badness.

I don't know how to talk about any of this with the T I have. It's like this subject doesn't exist. (I know that doesn't make sense, but I can't think of a better way to express it).

I will be ok. Always am I guess. Just sometimes sad.

sb

SB,

You definately are not alone with your feelings. I feel the same way too sometimes. It is almost a trigger for me when I read about how kindness and caring some people feel from their Ts and the nice things Ts actually do for their patients. Although I know intellectually that my T does care, I wish she would demonstrate her caring in ways that I can see more clearly. I wish she was more empathetic and nurturing in some of her responses. I wish she would think outside the box sometimes and just give an inch of herself (emotionally) to me. Sometimes when I read about it or imagine how different T probably is with her other clients who are more deserving of nurturing and warmth. I have told T all this. She isn't changing. I am just trying to accept what she is willing to give even though it never seems like enough. I get it though. And then I feel guilty for feeling triggered because I want what other people have and everyone should have warmth. It baffles me sometimes. I am learning though, very slowly and very painfully that I must be my own sunshine.

and thank you for having the courage to post that.

I have been jealous/envious many times here. You are not alone with this emotion. Thank you for being open and trusting us enough to share your feelings with us.

Hey SB -

This is really off topic but I heard a programme on the BBC this morning that really made me think of you - about a women's rambling/walking/slimming support group. Wasn't the slimming support that made me think of you but just that I remembered what your dr (?) said to you about having the outdoors as a resource, and they sounded like such a lovely supportive group of women. I wondered if you had thought of trying something like that, not as therapy but as part of the whole package. I can't find the episode I was listening to, but it was part of Clare Balding's Ramblings series, which you can check out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006xrr2

Hope that's not annoying to bring up - I know the deep pain of going through what you're going through isn't solved by this kind of thing (and this may well not be your kind of thing anyway). But I do believe in the healing power of contact with nature and simple, kind company. Just a thought.

Also, I get the despair and frustration, and the jealousy, of not being able to find what you know you need therapeutically. I live in a small Commonwealth country and have had this issue too. After trying four therapists I ended up working by Skype with someone from the US - fortnightly so I can afford it - and it's working well.

Hi

Thanks for not rejecting me.

Thanks for the link Jones - I've caught Ramblings on the radio myself at times I do get to use that 'fresh air' as often as possible yes. I go out running, which helps me loads (but usually alone to be fair).

The T I have is kind in session, it has helped some... it's just sometimes so inadequate. I think she knows it is and does at times seem stressed in trying to contain me within what is offered. I know it kind of concerns her how I am at the end of appointments - but my choices are often to either pretend I'm fine to 'save' her - and her behaviours do tend to push me to do that. Or, when I just can't, I don't know... there is no provision for that.

Inside I feel very little and vulnerable and needing of care at times. It's when that overwhelms that I'm in trouble, as I have at that point no adult-self I can access. Hard to explain. I hate that I'm like that - and much of the time fight against such things and am hyper-self-sufficient. Very capable and probably a bit scary! It's just a cover up for my belief that I could never ever really be loved or cared for.

sb

Hi SB,
Reject you, condemn you, judge you, hate you???
Are you mad (no pun intended).
I think there's no one on this forum that doesn't feel jealous, at least some of the time. I know I do!
Reading people receiving transitional objects from their T, blankets, hugs... GREEN with envy I am!
And yes, we should all get what we need, but often we have to do with what we get. There's no even handing out in life.
You keep on hanging in there, and connecting with us, because I think you helped a lot of us, just by the courage of telling us how you feel,

Thanks kind peoples.

Pengs, I'm sorry you are in a wet tent - particularly since Nano must be nearly due!?!

I don't think I'd like 24 hr access. I'd totally like a transitional object, but would absolutely die of shame if I had to admit that in person. I'd like to be able to text or email if I needed to, but not for reply - just initials back (during working hours) to show she existed would be amazing.

There is this developmental stage (in theory) called 'Object Permenance' that babies develop in the second half of their first year - so if something goes out of sight they begin to search for it as they 'know' it still exists. I find my 'people permanence' is somewhat lacking. It's like I can't hold on to relationship I cannot have access to. It's a nightmare in therapy. For the 1st few months of this T I couldn't remember once I'd left the room what she looked like. Nor could I recall as sense of her whatsoever. This was quite alarming due to the degree to which I was upset at the end of sessions and wandering about a strange town far from home without any sense of being near anything or anyone familiar. It wasn't until she briefly allowed longer sessions I could remember her face afterwards (not sure what the connection was). The next time I turned up it was so amazing to remember her I got tearful - which she totally misread and I couldn't say any of what I have just written, cos what adult can't do this thing? Anyway... I guess what I'm saying is, that I know myself that some of my reaction isn't about wanting what others have in therapy relationships, it's a massive need. And needing something is frightening enough, and needing something I can't have is just plain awful (and like my childhood). All in all I wish UK counsellors were a little more understanding of these dynamics. As well as wishing I wasn't quite so 'mad/crazy'.

sb

Hugs SB

I hope you can work towards talking to your T about a transitional object - I totally understand your feelings of shame - I very much relate. I encourage you to Slowly but surely, break down the protective brick wall around you and let your T in

I know it might seem futile a because, after all, she can't and won't give you what you need. BUT - until you try, slowly but surely, you don't know that what she CAN give you might just be almost enough. It won't take away the longing for unconditional love you needed and didn't get growing up; it won't result in her taking you home and letting you stay on her couch; but if you can take the wall down, one brick at a time - you will find there is a lot of light outside the dark heart inside us. Promise.

I can't promise it won't hurt; or you won't be scared shitless at times - or want to build the bricks right back up! But it WILL be worth it.

I made the decision with this T that I WILL work on really letting her in - and myself really reaching out. It's taken nearly a year with her so far, but while it hurts sometimes, more often than not I can really REALLY appreciate all she DOES and CAN give me.

Does she let me phone her? No. Does she hug me? No. Does she sit beside me in therapy? No. Does she hold out her hand? No. Does she gently touch my back on my way out? No. Does she smile at me? How the FARK would I know since I don't even look up enough to see her SHOES lol.

She never says ''take care' or 'I'll be thinking of you' or ' I hope your week is ok'. Not once. Not even last session when I was leaving to face the anniversary of my mothers death (a very traumatic time in my life, since I saw her die) - she didn't say 'I'll be thinking of you Sunday'.

She simply said 'I'll see you next week'

And you know what? It was enough .


Why?

Because she gives me something far far more precious and far care less threatening - and something no human being has ever given me - ever - she gives me CONSISTENCY - and SAFE BOUNDARIES

By not saying 'I hope you'll be all right this week' she is giving me the gift of trust - She trusts me to be able to manage the difficult feelings inbetween sessions.

Simply put - she trusts in my resilience. She believes in me. I know that, deep inside. It's taken me a long time, but - it is enough, for right now.

Sapphire Blue - it sucks (understatement) you can't call your T. But as I've said to you in another thread - what I believe to be true for me, and perhaps it might be like that for most of us - no matter how flexible our Ts are / were with their boundaries, eventually we come to the wall. Eventually there WILL be a limit, and it will hurt. Our wee inner children want desperately what we never got - but nor can we ever get.

My inner wee girl is so lost, so scared and so alone and was so damn depressed growing up - she tried to take her life aged 9 (I didn't know you could drown yourself just by putting your head under the water and deciding not to ever come back up ). NOTHING would eve be enough for her, in terms of my T caring for her.

I can't change that. But I can choose to let my T in. I can choose to take down the brick wall I've had up for years. Slowly but surely, we can come out and see not everyone in the world is awful.

I think you're really brave SB - and thank you for sharing what you have. It takes courage to be able to post about jealousy - I've struggled with it sometimes too (and no doubt will again!!!).

I hope it helps you feel less alone.

And I really do hope you can begin to talk to yr T about this. She definitely can't help you if she doesn't know (and apparently, no T is a mind reader - damn it!!)

Hi SP - you just take care out there in that tent Misses! I hope you and the Pengeles are having fun and the sun comes out We go camping in a few weeks - hope the dry spell up north continues!!! Thanks for your reassurances My last T did allow contact (private T), but there was no consistency of reply - even though I told her directly that I needed that, even to the extent that 'no reply' was a painful but better option than might reply.

VH I'm glad your T understands and lets you check he is still there. He sounds like he understands. I don't even feel jealous of this that you wrote. I'm just happy for you.

ElizaJ... Thanks for your thoughts. I'm not sure that some apply to me, or my personal situation, but I understand that you are just trying to help. My therapy is time limited. There is no way I'm going to go in deep when I know the support will very soon be finished. I do fully understand I wont get the unconditional love my inside child/children need and have actually been grateful for the times in session when she has fully given valuable presence and comfort. I know some people want to go home with their T etc... I'm quite happy to go to my own home without her!!! I do just have difficulty with 'object permanance' aspects in relationships (all of them to be fair). It's why a transitional object and or the ability to text her just for a reply of her initials would be enough (and even then I'd be happy if she could only do that on her work days). I like boundaries. It helps me feel safe - I'm just struggling with aspects of being me within a boundary that doesnt fit my issues. I wouldn't put my rabbit in a hamster cage - but he needs his hutch so that nothing can harm him.

I'm glad your T believes in you And that the boundaries she sets make you feel safe. Sounds like your therapy is going ok there.

If I see T next friday these things will get talked about, as my sending that text 10 days ago was an infringement of her rules. I couldn't attend the session this week (child ill) and followed the protocol and emailed an apology to be passed on via head office. Within the email I apologised for contacting her after my last session. I've no idea how the T will react, as there has been no response to either the original text, nor my cancellation/apology email. I know that I am triggered by this, but I guess that is my problem - not hers - just because my mother would ignore me doesn't mean anything by being ignored by my T.

Fed up really.

sb

is there any way at all you can go privately for therapy?

i don't know where you live or what your circumstances are in terms of if you are on disability or the equivalent… if there were any way at all you could pay to see a T, it might be worth it in terms of being able to see her for as long as you need.

do you know how many sessions you have with your current T, or is it a time period thing?

just trying to understand.

if you have a limited time left, what steps can you take in the next wee bit to ask her for a piece of paper with her initials on it? (i nearly asked my T last week for a piece of paper with her name on it - but didn't due to it not being a good time to talk about it with her)

(((Sb))) not getting any follow up must be excruciating I'm sorry. I do hope your T can give you something. Maybe being an index card next time to see if she can write on that (incase the office has some dumb "oh no don't give anyone paper" policy (sigh). Objects have helped me a lot and it is so hard to hold on to T (and for me it was to hold on to any GOOD things about T) on normal between session times thinking of you and sorry you missed session this week

Hey SB I was thinking about this some more - wondered if you could create your own transitional object? Last week when leaving my T I felt I needed SOMETHING to carry me through the hard anniversary on the weekend. I considered asking her for a piece of paper with her name in it but didn't. In the end I went and bought a pendant that reminds me of my T - it's the same colour blue as her car which is always parked in the same spot every week she holds her clinic. It's the first and last thing I see of 'hers' every time I go to see her. So while it's not something directly personal from her, my pendant reminds me of her and it helps me feel connected (haven't taken it off all week since I got it, except for showers!)

Just an idea anyway.

Hi SB. Im not sure where you are from but I guess its the UK? I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from. I had similar problem, not with the object but I couldnt open up to the counsellor. I saw 2 different counsellors and it wasnt working for me. I missed sessions every 2 or 3 weeks and in the end I stopped going. But then I found a counsellor who is amazing and I go and see him every week. It took me 9 months to find him. The sessions are through a church and its paid by donations so I only pay few pounds every week. I have been seeing him for about 6 months now and I am so happy I found him. He doesnt give me a hug or an object and I cant contact him during the week but like someome on here said (im sorry I dont remember the username), he gives me consistency and boundaries. I know he will be there for me every week. He is so congruent, he will laugh with me and sometimes he almost cries (I can see it in his eyes). I can tell him anything and I love that because usually I am scared to tell anything to people in case they wont like me but he is great and I know he wont judge me. I can see him as long as I need, even if its for years. I wanted to say, maybe there is something similar where you live where you could see a counsellor and pay donations? Just an idea. Probably wont help but just thought I would tell you. Good luck