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3 replies

Is this MY mother???

strummergirlstrummergirlMember
Hello,

My mother has struggled with addictions of one kind or another ever since I can remember. Growing up, it was alcohol. Then it was a significant relationship. When he was killed, she turned to credit cards, then gambling, then gambling WITH credit cards. Then addiction to pain meds. Then back to drinking, then drinking on top of pain meds. Then several rounds of rehab. A couple of years ago, after trying to help her repeatedly for about three years and watching her go steadily downhill, and being exhausted financially and emotionally myself, I finally snapped at her and put up boundaries that really needed to be put up, in order to protect myself and my family.

At first she was miffed at me. But after about six months, she seemed to start coming around...and it has only gotten better since. She has remained sober, is becoming financially self-sufficient, seems more mentally and emotionally stable than I've ever seen her, and has even gone back to school this fall!! I just helped her post her homework to her school's discussion page last night (she's 61 years old and still needs a LOT of help with computers Smiler but it felt good to help her). She needed a car, and she knew we were selling ours, so last week she bought it from us (and despite feeling REALLY guilty, I "let" her pay us for it).

Anyway, the reason I'm posting this here...I'm an adult child of an alcoholic...and it just feels really weird, in a good way, to see my alcoholic parent, my mom, straightening out. I don't think we'll ever be "close", necessarily...but right now things are better than I ever thought they could be. And I guess I'm feeling kinda uneasy about that...I don't want to become vulnerable again...because I don't want to get hurt again...but she's making a pretty convincing case this time. Not that she's doing this all for show...I don't think it's for show at all. I'm just saying...this is weird. Good but weird.

Thanks for letting me ramble!!

SG
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Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi SG,



Thank you so much for sharing this! This is such a great example of how setting clear boundaries can feel very cruel but ultimately is the loving thing to do. By not tolerating her draining behavior and refusing to bear the consequence of her decisions for her, you left her with the full impact of what she was doing, which is probably what spurred her to finally change. It’s a sad fact about us humans that change is difficult and often is not undertaken until we experience enough pain. When someone protects us from the pain that results in our bad decisions we have no motivation to change them. You also made it clear to your mother that the truth of the situation was that she was the only one that could “fix” what was wrong in her life.

And all of your reactions sound so understandable! Of course you’re happy to see her doing better, it’s clear that you really love her. But feeling uneasy is a very reasonable reaction. You’ve been disappointed and hurt by her over a long period of time, it makes sense that she’s going to have to build up a lengthy record of different behavior before you can trust it. And you are connecting in a healthy way by providing computer help, she has a need that you can fulfill and want to fulfill. Cutting her off wasn’t about not wanting to be connected, it was about taking care of yourself and her. I hope that you continue to see her grow stronger and healthier and are able to enjoy the good things that the relationship can now hold even if it is not the ideal you long for while keeping an eye on things to ensure your remain safe. This was just very encouraging to read, thanks again for sharing it!

AG
blackbirdblackbirdMember
I was really happy to read this too, SG! Way to go. Scary thing, change, but it can certainly happen, and it sounds like your boundary setting went a long way towards helping your mom out. Thank you for sharing...it's gotta be weird to have an older mom suddenly acting kinda normal after all these years. I'd be uneasy too, but it sounds like she really is making an effort.

(((((((((((((SG)))))))))

love,

BB

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