I have made a decision to just stop. To just stop it all. To stop the therapy, to stop hoping. I have no goals or aspirations for a better life. I have achieved great things and things that I wanted to achieve and I have single handedly destroyed them. I have destroyed myself. I picked up where my parents left off and do not have the skills to give myself what I never had to be a human being. I hurt people. My very existance is damaging to people. I let the words out, I let out the pain, I dare to let people see only a fragment of the pain within my soul and it is too much. I can no longer touch others lives by allowing them to hear my words or have me in their life. I will shut out the world and take from myself what I never deserved in the first place.
I made a package for my T that I am dropping by her office tomorrow. I am calling it a departure bag. I can no longer even put myself in the hands of professionals because yes just my existance damages them too.
I feel like I am dying because inside I am dead. It is just my body that is here. A body that is purposeless and has no meaning. I will disconnect and not allow myself to reconnect because I deserve to be alone and I am better off there. I have let go of hope for purpose and love, now I have to just tick down the clock until my God decides it is time for me to expire.