((((((Draggers)))))

Maybe you need a couple of weeks off? Have a break and plan to do something less stressful instead e.g meet a friend, have a swim, go for a walk somewhere scenic, go shopping... whatever it is that YOU find relaxing?

Thinking of you.

(((Draggers))) I'm so sorry, it's terrible you're not finding some relief. Every once in a while (once every few months) I do have a session where I don't connect and feel just as anxious when I leave, but most of the time, I experience a deep sense of connection and very deep relief. My T does a really good job of normalizing how I am feeling, putting it in context to help me understand what is going on and if nothing else, I experience being safe for 50 minutes. Draggers, I do not say this to hurt you (as I know this might be tough to read) but to share with you that while therapy is incredibly painful and hard, and often that relief doesn't last all that long after the end of session, I do think there should be some sense of relief and comfort drawn from seeing your therapist. And you should also, in looking back over a significant amount of time (six months to a year to be really conservative) you should see some improvement in your functioning and relief of your symptoms.

I'm sorry dear one, I feel so bad that you are not getting any relief.

Do you feel like you can talk about this with your T and see what she thinks? I am wondering if you have gone as far as she can take you or if something was so damaged during the rupture that its changed the relationship in way which is interfering. Did you used to have a sense of connection and relief before the rupture? Is this something that has changed or has this always been true?

I wish I had a magic wand.

xx AG

Hi Draggers,

I can certainly identify with feeling no relief. I can honestly say I felt that way for a good year. It was like I just went to therapy because it was something I was committed to doing. Often times I would leave sessions feeling worse or feeling nothing. I think I had envisioned in my head how I would like my T be with me. Like in my head I could have these meaningful conversations with T and I would get nurturing kind responses in return, but when I would actually get to a session, I could never replicate the "fantasy" image of T as it played out in my minds eye (I don't think I explained this well. It is like between sessions I have a dialogue going on with T in my head and feel a connection, but there is none). Not having the fantasy T live up to the expectations of my real T and how she really is left me feeling empty and frustrated.

I can only say the past two sessions I have felt connected to my T. I have felt like I am finally be heard and validated. But I did have to ask my T for exactly what I wanted from her and because she has been working on accommodating my needs I felt a little more relief.

I hope it gets better for you. It sounds like even though this T participated in actions that damaged your trust in her... you like her, you value the relationship. I would encourage you to push through this with her.

(((Draggers))) Hopefully this is just a matter of being shut down and guarded because of going through a serious disruption. Because of our history, getting hurt can seriously shut us down and with your system and the CPs, I would imagine its even more complicated so maybe you just need to give it some time. But keep an eye on it. My fear is that something got damaged beyond repair. I would hate to see you continue in a relationship in which you are not feeling any connection or care. I hope discussing it with your T goes well. I think its a good idea to check in with her. If its missing for her also that's a good sign that you are still working on repairing things.

But can you do me a favor? Trust yourself and what your gut is telling you. I think that you are aware of the possible distortions due to your past and can sort the present from the past. I guess I want it to be ok for you to say its just not working anymore if that's the truth for you. Or stick with it and give it time to heal because its important to you and you think it will get better. Just let it be what you need.



AG

Draggers...
So glad to hear the good news. I've been thinking of you.

x1000

I am in a pretty good place in my therapy right now BUT I have been where you are so many times over. Fairly recently there was a rupture followed by aftershocks where I spent a huge amount of time feeling like there was no point. That the connection was gone. That it was broken, for good, if it even existed in the first place (and I wasn't sure of that either, I felt like I'd either made the whole thing up or that my mind was playing tricks on me. It was horrid). And then, I'm not sure how, but it started getting a little bit better. I think I had started to open up again slightly, I had almost completely shut down which then makes it difficult, if not impossible to connect (I felt under threat and went into hiding, but at the time felt like it was all coming from her). I also had the thing where in between sessions there would be all these feelings, but when I was in the room with her I would completely close up. I spent the majority of my sessions in silence, which is unlike me, haha.

I know that I will feel like that again at some point. That's the nature of therapy, at least it seems like it to me. Up and down and round we go. I know that you have posted that things are a bit better now, which is great but just wanted to add to the voices saying that yep, this happens and it sucks <3

Also had to LOL a bit at therapists thinking that going through such major heartbreak/pain/shit is progress. I know mine does. And I can agree when I'm not in it but when I'm in it I'm like