Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
22 replies

groping for change but scared

closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
kind of surprised that this particular forum doesn't get more hits, but i'll try posting here anyway ...

been thinking alot lately and knowing i need to make some changes in my life, but the truth is i'm really scared. and i think the scared comes from abandoning what i've always known and been comfortable with. i'm scared to quit booze, cuz booze has always been there for me. scared to change because to change means to be different somehow, and that means giving things up that i've always turned to. and to change is to face the unknown, and the unknown is what i fear. it's just easier to stay "safe" with my old reliables. trouble is, my old reliables ain't so reliable. i know that, but it's so hard to turn my back on that. so hard.

went to an AA meeting earlier today. i was in awe of everybody there ... such insightful, humble, selfless people! i couldn't introduce myself as an alcoholic. i chuckled internally whenever somebody said something they would prelude it with "name, alcoholic". i don't think i could ever be that humble. i told them i was just poking my head in to see what goes on. i can't even utter a sentence without getting all emotional and feeling like i'm on the verge of bawling like a baby and it makes me crazy! i don't know how to get over that so i can go to meetings and not fall apart every time. part of it seems comical to me but in the end it's really not funny at all. if you want/need help and can't even hold yourself together wtf are you supposed to do? i WANT to go home and forget about it, but i know that's not that answer. i want to ask what's the first step but am afraid people will say "the 1st step of course!" but seriously, how do you make that first step? how do you get over the fear?
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

strummergirlstrummergirlMember
Hi Closed Doors,

I read your other post earlier and really wanted to respond, because AA made such a huge difference in my life...and yet, I hesitated, because even though I still don't drink, I have not gone to meetings regularly for a long time (since having kids). But I always loved the meetings, loved the people, and miss them very much. I occasionally go to meetings here and there and it always feels like "coming home".

There is more I want to say but I have to go right now...I will be back in a little bit to post more. But I just wanted you to know that there is someone here listening. And I'm really excited for you, there is lots in your post that sounds hopeful and open to recovery.

Back in a bit... Big Grin
SG
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
quote:
but seriously, how do you make that first step? how do you get over the fear?


(((Closed doors))) I have an answer for you, but I do want to warn you that it sucks! You don't get over the fear and then speak. You speak to get over the fear. It's not going to get less scary until you do it and experience acceptance and compassion instead of judgement and scorn. If expressing our feelings in early childhood was something that was met with condemnation or neglect, or even punishment, we learn not to expose ourselves, not to make ourselves vulnerable. But the part of our brain that holds our belief is not really subject to a change in cognitive understanding. So you can sit there until the cows come home, seeing that other people can get up and share and nothing bad happens, but it won't really change things for you until you're the one who stands up and experiences that. But every time you do, it will get a little easier to do the next time.

There's a post on my blog (I sound like a broken record sometimes Smiler) about this I think might help: Bass Ackwards.

AG
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hi, CD...I wrote a reply on your other thread, but then it just seemed "off" somehow, so I deleted it. I just want to offer you support in taking that first step. I struggle with alcohol addiction and the one thing that I have not done yet is to go to AA, because it would require me to"expose" my H as "married to someone with substance abuse" and he who is well-respected in the community. Also, it is my own pride coming in- so hard to admit need for help and support in this area. So you are one step ahead of me- you've gone to a meeting, that is huge. I'm proud of you as someone who knows how hard that must have been. I think just keep going there, and when you feel ready to take the plunge, you will.

Many hugs,

BB
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
(((SD))) I have NO doubt I am annoying, my deepest apologies for being "spot on." Big Grin I know how annoying it was to hear this stuff from my T. You have only to ask and I'll lend you the HTML Slapper (it's a virtual tool we used to talk of often) so that you can smack me in cyber-space! (Thank you for being so gracious! Heart face)

CD,
I agree, you don't need to go for "I have a dream." I would be bowled over and impressed if you manage to stand up and say "I am closed doors and I am an alcoholic, and that's all I'm capable of saying right now." This is seriously terrifying stuff to do. On the upside, most if not all of the people in that meeting will understand because at one time they had to do it. Hug two

There is a great quote for times like these:

quote:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Lao-tzu


AG
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
Hi CD,

Sorry I didn't get back here sooner! I got sidetracked by some nasty headaches. But I think we've got them under control now. Big Grin

I wanted to respond to this:
quote:
i chuckled internally whenever somebody said something they would prelude it with "name, alcoholic". i don't think i could ever be that humble.

My understanding of why we do this in meetings isn't because we are humble, but in order to keep the seriousness of alcholism fresh in our minds, especially as we gain time in sobriety, never to take that sobriety for granted.

And then you said:
quote:
i want to ask what's the first step but am afraid people will say "the 1st step of course!" but seriously, how do you make that first step?

Anyway, what I wanted to say was...aww, I see AG beat me to it! She does that. Big Grin Wink It was that part about how everyone else at those meetings has been through the awkwardness of their first meetings and asking their first questions, and so they know exactly how you feel. In fact, if you keep going, you will find out that how people felt at their first meetings can be a source of a lot of (good-natured) laughter (there's actually a LOT of that in AA meetings ). If it's a good meeting, they should be very kind about answering any questions you have, no matter how hesitant or fumbling you feel about asking them.

Please let us know how it's going. Big Grin

Peace,
SG
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
thanks for the support, BB. that's a shame about your situation. i wonder though, shouldn't the anonymous part take care of any concerns about being "exposed"? i know people talk, but it just doesnt' seem right that you can't do something that you perhaps should in order to make a better life for yourself based on what ignorant others beliefs are. i dunno. it's not fair. take care of yourself as best you can and thanks again for the encouragement. it is a tough row to hoe.

thanks again, AG. i will be bowled over, too, if and when i ever manage to do that! Smiler

hi SG. i hope your headaches are staying away. doesn't sound like any fun at all! i really didn't know why they say that, but your explanation makes sense. i'll keep your advice in mind, but first i will have to muster the courage to even think about asking a question. after all, if i ask a question that would appear as though i'm interested, and if i'm interested it's coming perilously close to making a commitment of which i'm a little fearful about at the present moment. thanks again. Smiler
professorsnapeprofessorsnapeMember
Closed Doors,

I know this thread is old but I will post anyway. I know how you feel. I identified at my first meeting as an alcoholic, and I was crying when I said this. After the meeting was over several people walk over to me, introduced themselves, and told me I was in the right place. Before I left I was handed a blue book that was fairly thick, it was the book Alcoholics Anonymous, know in the program as the "Big Book". I started attending meetings and found many, many people wanting to help me. I learned the program from the people in the program. My life was on a slippery slope sliding toward a cliff. I was suicidal, angry, bitter, and no longer a fun partier, but a mean and violent drunk.
Only you can save yourself and only you can raise your hand and identify as an alcoholic. If you cry no big deal, we in program have all done it. Hell, my first year in program I would sometimes walk in to a meeting, sit down and start crying. Now I smile and laugh with my friends at the meeting. Don't be afraid you can do it. Keep going to meetings and cry if you have too, but keep attending meetings.
Last edited by professorsnape
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
Snape, i'm glad you're here. you're a great addition to the forums.

i know i'm the only one that can save myself. i think that's part of the problem. right now i just want somebody else to save me, somebody else to show they care. and as i write this i know the only way anything remotely like that will happen is by getting my ass together with people that have had similar experiences ... oh say, like an AA meeting, perhaps? i know i'm the only one that can ultimately save me, but i need a net and i suppose that's where the meetings come in, eh? i get all that. it's just so scary for me, because i do suffer from social anxiety and feeling judged. i know i'm my worst judge and others probaly aren't being as critical of me as i am to myself, but i feel that others are equally judgemental of me as i am to myself. it probably sounds like an excuse, but for me it's quite real.

thanks again Snape.
B born2writeMember
(((CD)))

CD, I don't suffer from your problems, I have other problems so I am not even pretending to know what it is like to walk in your shoes, but I wanted to leave you with a thought.

You are right there are people in society that will judge you, but there are also people in society who will admire you for seeking help. Are you going to give those "judges" power over your life and in doing so really sacrifice your life to a substance that is destroying you? You know within yourself that is not the advice you would give someone else.

Be strong CD. (AA)is full of people around the world just like you. Many have experienced the same struggles and are truly able to empathise with you and your situation. If you are looking for an average member of society to guide you and be there for you during your struggles, I can assure you, that you will more than likely be let down, because they don't have that understanding of what you are going through. Reach out to the right people - that is what is going to make a difference in your life.

Good luck CD and be strong!



B2W
professorsnapeprofessorsnapeMember
BB, I live in LA and I see important people at certain meetings all the time: celebrities, doctors, clergy, people from the industry I work in. We in AA have a saying, "what you hear here, stays here". I another person in program has never expose me as an alcoholic. I am sure more people know your problem than you think, so why not go to a meeting a help yourself. You do not ever have to drink again. I am living proof. I have been sober for 12 years.


quote:
Originally posted by blackbird:
Hi, CD...I wrote a reply on your other thread, but then it just seemed "off" somehow, so I deleted it. I just want to offer you support in taking that first step. I struggle with alcohol addiction and the one thing that I have not done yet is to go to AA, because it would require me to"expose" my H as "married to someone with substance abuse" and he who is well-respected in the community. Also, it is my own pride coming in- so hard to admit need for help and support in this area. So you are one step ahead of me- you've gone to a meeting, that is huge. I'm proud of you as someone who knows how hard that must have been. I think just keep going there, and when you feel ready to take the plunge, you will.

Many hugs,

BB
professorsnapeprofessorsnapeMember
CD, if your are not ready for an AA meeting then try an online AA meeting. There are plenty of meetings. Do a web search for AA online meetings. Make sure it is an AA meeting and not any other program. Here is a link to get you started. AA online Meetings


quote:
Originally posted by closed doors:
Snape, i'm glad you're here. you're a great addition to the forums.

i know i'm the only one that can save myself. i think that's part of the problem. right now i just want somebody else to save me, somebody else to show they care. and as i write this i know the only way anything remotely like that will happen is by getting my ass together with people that have had similar experiences ... oh say, like an AA meeting, perhaps? i know i'm the only one that can ultimately save me, but i need a net and i suppose that's where the meetings come in, eh? i get all that. it's just so scary for me, because i do suffer from social anxiety and feeling judged. i know i'm my worst judge and others probaly aren't being as critical of me as i am to myself, but i feel that others are equally judgemental of me as i am to myself. it probably sounds like an excuse, but for me it's quite real.

thanks again Snape.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Sorry I missed your reply so long ago, CD...and thanks for the support. I'm wondering if you've attended another meeting...or where you are in your journey away from this dependency that keeps us down.

quote:
You do not ever have to drink again. I am living proof. I have been sober for 12 years.


Thank you for this, Snape- that's actually a really powerful statement. I just made a confession and then looked up groups online, and that was my first "real" step probably.

I have this thought in my head that it's impossible to go to an AA meeting, and still be a professional, respected person. I know that is probably false, but I'm scared. Maybe I'm in denial, but it feels like my drinking is under control, and that I can still function just fine. But then I realized that it's just something I tell myself. The reality is that my dreams are going by the wayside while I wait and hope for my next drink. Frowner I'm not ready to stop though. My rationale, is that I very rarely ever get "drunk" per se. I just drink, on a regular basis, get a buzz, use it to kill pain, and think that it's "normal." Thanks for the online link! That may actually be the solution to my problem, not ideal, but a start.

hugs,

Beebs
nigeldanielnigeldanielMember
Hi their all. Greetings from 'far far away'
Any way I too gripple with issues around the AA and been a alki. It has taken me one mega big event about 2 years ago to face up to myself and I have managed. Its not as though I have come through the other side yet as I think off myself as some times been in 'no mans land' when I wake up on one off my bad days.
Non the less all I can do is the best I can. Although my counsellor who I see ever 2 weeks keeps dropping hints I need to be less hard on myself sometime I feel been hard on myself helps as a tough reminder off how things can go down the plug hole very fast.
Any how hope all you folk keep working away at it as at the start and end off any day we own it to ourselves to do the best we can with our lives.
ND

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×