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Hi Cat,

I am sorry you are having troubles with your eating behaviors. Eating disorders are so hard because it is something we have to deal with just to survive.

I too struggle with eating behaviors in general. Everything in my life and my emotional world can seem to being ok, but the actual eating behaviors (or should I say not eating behaviors) can still be crazy.

For me not eating and restricting usually goes hand in hand with feeling out of control or powerless in some area of my life. Certainly a new relationship and issues surrounding sexuality with ED clients can be a trigger.

If you are obsessing with body image, number on the scale and appearance, perhaps check into areas where you might not feel a sense of control if that is a trigger for you.

For getting back on track with the actual eating behavior (i am anorexic). I sit with my ED T and make a menu for the week and sometimes even prepare my meals in advance and freeze them so that I don't have to deal with preparing food each day. It just makes it easier.

For me these days it seems to be less about weight, body image, and appearance but more about recognizing my actual eating behaviors.

Don't know if this helps.
's Cat

I'm actually doing a little better these days. A 29 year old guy at work the ran triathalons just had a heart attack and died a few weeks ago. For the moment it has really made me see how fleeting life can be. He lingered in a coma for a few weeks. It was so painful for his family. Don't want to end up like that. So I have to eat. I have to take care of myself.

I hope you can find your way back to where you were before. Your brain needs the nourishment to function. I know it is really hard when you've restricted for so long to begin to eat again. Try really hard.

(((SP))) thank you for sharing things for you also. I do believe some of it may be sexual only because I'm sharing my body (eek). I do feel safe with who I am spending my time there with and we talk extensively about likes/dislikes... I've never had such an open relationship that way. I talked with T last night and a lot of her thoughts were two fold... One was addiction. It's a chemical thing, and naturally provides a sense of comfort for me. She said she doesn't believe in cold turkey but was trying to help me think of ways to get the same thing (physical activity, painting... ). The other part was different... I so often want to disappear and that was what would cause things... Now we are exploring that maybe I am feeling "too big" in awareness or "energy". It makes sense I would try to compensate. So much good has opened up for me recently and it does "increase" the amount of space taken up by me in a worldly and heart sense.

((Yaku)) thank you

I've been crying a lot recently. Mostly, I will become profoundly moved near instantly and I tear without even the feeling beforehand to stop it. T says it's because of a more open heart. It's not fun to be like this but it is unfortunately who I am it just used to be more contained inside... And that's another "too much space" thing too.

Major update is that T did help me feel same about how I could talk about things objectively but in my head I would keep these crazy thoughts. That I have to be xyz weight (I've never thought of it in those terms, I've usually just wanted to go away). She asked what it would serve if I could meet those goals and I said... (The non objective observing part) that I'd be happy. I'd be relieved. This hasn't been my ED's logic before... T was suggesting we explore he idea of that part dying out.

There has been so much fusion and integration of parts that I get so confused.

But... Even as I write I still am preoccupied.
I still am punishing myself and panicking when I eat.

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