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I know my therapist cares. She's helped me a lot, and while I've been attending therapy, I've gone back to school, finished my bachelor's, and gotten my master's. I've set boundaries in my marriage and called a halt to longstanding verbal abuse. I've taught my kids about what is and isn't healthy in relationships, and though they still suffer from the problems in our family while they were growing up, they are in much better places than they were.

So, looking back, I can see that the course of therapy has not been meaningless. Or, rather, two courses, but same therapist. I went for a few years in the early 2000s, stopped for a few years, and went back in 2011 when I realized my coping mechanisms were being overwhelmed. This second time around was when I got my master's.

I tend to avoid turning to people--that's why my therapist feels strongly that therapy is good for me.

But it's rubbing salt in the wounds right now.

My mother's death--we don't even talk about that anymore. I miss her all. the. time. Can't go across the country to see my father, who I adore, because he is remarried (so quickly!) and my siblings tell me my parent's house is in flux. My parents never had money--we were so broke that our clothes were donations by neighbors, a lot of our food was grown in the backyard, and I only remember ever going to the doctor once in my childhood. But, over time, my parents had a little more money and my mom slowly turned that old house into a beautiful place. And now, her things are in storage, and my dad's new wife's stuff is in boxes everywhere. I just can't go.

My heart still hurts from a suicide that affected me a year and a half ago.

My husband is in a dangerous foreign location. It's been well over a year and we have months to go.

Recently my brother, his wife, and my little niece moved away. My niece was my sunshine. She's a year old. I used to play with her, take her places, sing to her, and she had a special smile that was just for me. We've skyped a couple times, and she still has that smile, but she gets mad because we can't touch each other or play anymore. I can barely bring myself to think about her because it makes me cry and just feel lost.

My son. I found out two years ago that he was sexually abused over a period of years in childhood by a family "friend." He cuts now and abuses substances. Flashes of his childhood come to me sometimes, randomly--such a lovely, sweet, funny boy, full up with goodwill. So hurt now that he hurts himself and is being hurt further.

Every time I go in for my session, my T asks how my son is. How my niece is. How I am in relation to them. How I am is falling apart, and her queries are salt in my eyes. I asked her once not to ask but she apparently doesn't remember that. I can't entirely blame her, because I am not all that forthcoming, but not only is therapy not helping right now, it's actually hurting.

I worry about stopping, though. I have a history of not really employing healthy coping mechanisms: I overeat, I undereat, I overexercise, I sleep too much, I ruminate. I don't think it's a good time for me to stop therapy, but I don't know how to get what I need from it. I'd like to draw in there, listen to music, do relaxation exercises maybe. I'd like my T to use different approaches entirely.

Not long ago, we had a serious rupture. She's long allowed me to email between sessions, because I process much better when I write than I do verbally. However, twice within a short time period she not only did not read the emails, she also did not mention them in my next session. I did not know that she did not read them until I asked near the end of the session--although I suspected it because she usually brings up the email subject matter pretty quickly.

I do not expect her to read them before session, although she always has. I have always told her that she can save them until my session and read them at the beginning, or if she reads them between sessions, she can bill me for her reading time. She's refused to bill me, but when she had two times when she did not read what I had written, she did not even mention it.

I quit writing for my therapy, for the most part. I told her how upset I was, how her actions communicated lack of concern or interest. She could see that I was upset, even angry, and I almost never get angry. She apologized, said that she doesn't always handle things perfectly, and she did not realize how important how she handled my writing was. I'm still floored by that, and still not trusting her enough to write much, although I have sent her something I wrote once since then (it was about a month ago.)

I don't want to switch Ts. She's become part of my life story, part of why I am who I am now. I know she cares about me very much; I would even say she loves me--that's what I see on her face. But I don't know what to do. I want to trade in the salt for bath salts, for soothing instead of pain. And I want to be able to sheath my pain so that when I carry it it does not cut me anymore. Writing helped me do that. It feels like my T didn't care enough about my writing for me to care enough to do it.

I guess my question is, have you ever asked your T to change his or her approach? Have you ever tried to alter the therapy frame yourself? What can I do? I hurt so much. I need therapy. But going, given the onslaught of difficulties, almost feels laughable, like a bandaid for a broken arm.
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I relate to this so much, Exploring. I'm super sensitive to how my T handles my writing, and lose the motivation to do it at all if it doesn't feel valued. And I relate to the sense that just talking about stuff is not enough as a modality. I don't know what to suggest but reading this has helped me crystalize the sense that I maybe want to ask if there are other things we can try to approach the difficult/intractable stuff. I might see if I can work up the courage to do that - hope you can too.
((((EXPLORING))))

Your life sounds (and sounded) extremely difficult and stressful. I'm so sorry for all the things you have to handle on your own. I know how it feels when you have to carry around all this pain by yourself and you share it with someone only to have it ignored and/or for your T to tell you she didn't realize how important it was for you. It's like you finally let someone see just how difficult life is and how much you hurt and they just don't get it, can't connect to it, ignore it.

It seems as though the rupture will have to be repaired if you are to get the benefit of the support that therapy can give but until that happens, it will continue to cause you more pain. I'd say keep talking about how much pain it caused you. Don't ignore it. Keep talking until you really feel like she gets it. And given your long history and relationship with her, it sounds like she will get it.

I wish you had someone to share the burden of life with. I'm so sorry about all you have to deal with by yourself.



To just answer your last question: yes, i have asked my T to change her approach as it was hurting too much at the time. She didn't mind at all and was glad I pointed it out to her. We sort of created a code phrase like 'this time I only want to drink a coffee and be here, nothing else'. No, it didn't always work perfectly, sometimes she would still make it too difficult for me. So the next time I brought two packages of instant coffee with me and dangled them in her face. She got it then...
I really hope you can allow yourself to continue with your T. You need her right now, maybe more than ever. And it's good to let someone in, even if they make mistakes and hurt you sometimes. I think you'd agree she has proven herself in the past?
Take care
I very much appreciate the responses; they've offered some needed perspective. I hesitated to post, but decided to do so because this therapy dilemma has been going on for months now and I haven't known how to handle it.

Jones--You write for therapy, too, huh? Smiler That made me smile. And I was glad to know I am not alone in needing what I've written to matter to my T for it to be worth it to me to continue to write. That was validating. I do want to talk with her about doing things differently...I just have to think about how. I don't know why that is so scary, though!

Liese--It brought tears to my eyes when I first read your response, and each time I read it again they start to mist. Thank you for empathizing with me like that. I think you are right that I need to continue to address what happened. It is hard because I cannot stand to hurt anyone--to a fault. She was so sad when I talked with her before about this. But she has told me in the past, "It's okay for me to feel sad." Maybe I need to let her own her own feelings...As long as I am not trying to be hurtful I should be able to talk about what I need to address, maybe?

That's a lot of maybe. It's hard to not take responsibility for everything (for me.)

Pengs--Wow, your response was like a gift.
quote:
that sounds like a lot of loss, on so many different fronts, and it must be impossibly hard.

You must be heartbroken for your son and grief like that cannot be "band aided better" by therapy or anything else, I can see why it doesn't feel enough.


It has felt like so much loss that I feel shell-shocked.

Your viewpoint about my therapy was refreshing. I have trusted her in the past; for me, very much. I trust her still in that I know she wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but I have to hold her back right now because she keeps coming closer than I can tolerate on her own. I liked your injury/illness analogy a lot. It does help so much to not feel alone, but I'm alone in that room when I go to therapy right now because I can't give her a key to be with me. Or haven't. Gah.

And thank you for sharing about how you needed to stop when you were having a hard time with infertility--and I have to say I'm glad you got past that and have your children now! Made me think it won't be the end of the world if I can't get past this with her right now.

Elsewhere--I loved your story about the coffee! I may take a couple of packages of instant in and share your story with her, if you don't mind? What a perfect visual for that. It is just hurting way too much to have her hammer away at the bruises. Her hammer is a plastic child's hammer, but every blow still makes me wince. You are right, she has proved herself in the past, and I think she will be willing to try as hard as she feels capable of getting past this with me.

Thank you again, all of you, for your responses. It really helps me not feel so alone.

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