TN,

You were traumatized by OldT and I think you should give yourself permission to take however long you need to talk about it in therapy. And, if you start to feel sick of talking about it, that's okay too. There are no rules about how long you should talk about something or when you should move on and stop talking about it.

And I do think that in many ways your therapy with newT is a do-over of your therapy with old T....and I do not think that is unhealthy or wrong. Just as many of us are getting a do-over over our parental relationships with our T's due to the traumatic childhoods we had, you are getting a necessary do-over with newT to help undo the damage that was done by oldT. it is going to be very healing for you to have this opportunity to do it over and it have a positive outcome, but with that comes the risk that it could end in the same traumatic manner and I can understand how scary that would be. Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to take that risk in order to heal. There are always going to be unhealthy and abusive T's out there with the potential to hurt you....but for every one of those, there are many more who will not hurt you. Can you trust that newT is not going to do that? Or better yet, can you trust that should newT turn out to be one of those abusive T's, you will be strong enough to get through it, just as you have with oldT? You are a survivor, TN and you are stronger than you realize. You have survived one of the most abusive types of relationships. OldT hurt you, but he did not break you.

Thank you LG for those kind words. I know that we need to do-over the childhood issues, the things we didn't get that we should have gotten and I can see where what happened with my oldT would fall into that category.

I think what I am feeling is that everything I tell my T is recycled stuff. And everything that I could tell him to help him get to know me has already been told to someone else. And to add to that, everything has been tainted and is haunted by the scenarios that played out with oldT.

In therapy when words failed me I would use other ways of communicating with my oldT.. things like music, songs, poetry, tangible symbols, video, pictures, etc. I read to him from novels that touched me in certain ways, I brought him food items. All of these things were my way of allowing him to know me, to express the feelings that went beyond words. I used everything possible to work with him to heal myself.

Now when I think of doing any of that with my T it feels inauthentic and false. It feels like he is getting the hand me downs from my oldT. And actually, I guess I am a hand me down as well. He gets to undo all the damage I incurred in therapy with oldT before we can even begin to do anything else.

The only thing I can compare it to is that... when you have been married for a long time and truly loved your spouse and they die. Everyone tells you to get remarried and that will help you to heal. So you finally find someone and you get remarried but then you are taking your new spouse to all you old favorite restaurants and museums. You listen to all the same music and watch the same movies and you keep dead spouse's pictures all around the house. You sleep in the same bed. How does new spouse feel and how do you feel about subjecting new spouse to all these memories? It will never ever be the same as it was with old spouse when things were new and hopeful and untainted.

I'm just really struggling with how to do therapy now that I have failed the first time around. I don't know how to relate to my T because everything I can think of doing is the same recycled stuff I did with oldT. And I also feel like it's in some way unfair to my T that he has to listen to me go on and on about my other relationship with oldT and whenever he says anything to me I say... oh I told oldT that, or oldT and I did that, or I shared this music, poem, story, idea with oldT.

There is nothing new. It's all the same rehash of my stuff that carries the weight and memory of oldT.

TN

TN,

How about finding a new poem or a new song to share with newT...something that you didn't share with oldT? Sometime unique to your experience with newT.

DF Thank you so much for your post. You said a lot of things that I need to think about. Have to go out now for a bit but I'll be back later with some thoughts.

Thanks again
TN

TN,

I'm sorry I didn't see this until now.

DF said nearly everything that I was going to say. I am sorry that this is so hard, but I think it is completely understandable that it is.

I think that the experience of going through it a second time is not only what will help you heal from your traumatic injury from your OldT, but this time your new T will take you through the experience and you will come out in the other side in a way that you didn't before. I know it is hard to see that now and it's a huge leap of faith to invest in another relationship, but I truly believe it will be worth it in the end.

(((hugs)))

(((((TN)))))))

DF said so much that was spot on, I really think she offered some really good insight. Yet despite that, I have a few things to add.

I am sorry that this is so painful to heal from. The truth is that OldT retraumatized you and the nature of these types of injuries is that they are hellish to heal from. I do know that you are strong enough to face this, but that doesn't mean that it's a whole heck of a lot of fun to be able to survive this.

You said that you feel like you are offering your T left-overs or second hand goods. I see it differently. You hold great treasures, the secrets of who you are, but they are old and have been long buried. OldT looked at them and, as an inexperienced treasure hunter, did not see their worth. But T is an experienced treasure hunter, and knows how to look past age and accumulated dirt from being buried and understand that he is being handed something quite valuable whose fragilty calls for very delicate handling so that their beauty can be brought back to life and light so that everyone can see them, not those just trained to. You have found someone worthy to share them with.

Last but not least, and this is really once again just agreeing with DF. I know that you know because we have spoken of it, that I went over the same ground with my second T as I did my first T but went deeper and dug out more of my emotional responses. The nature of therapy is very circular, returning again and again to the same issues, but going deeper or coming at it from another angle each time. I think what you are doing is just a part of the process.

I am sorry you are experiencing the fear of losing your T. How could you not, with what you just went through? I believe this T is trustworthy, but I know that my saying that is like throwing a drop of water at a roaring blaze. I just want you to be compassionate with yourself about all these feelings as it is completely understandable that you are struggling with them all.

I really, really, really have to find my magic wand. But I do believe it's going to be ok in the end, although it won't often feel like that on the way there. I do wish I could banish your fear. Thank you for continuing to come here and share with us what you're going through. I believe you're helping more people than you could possibly know.

love, AG

I'm supposed to be writing a paper for school which is due in 3 hours but I cannot focus on it.

I'm reading all your responses and I'm trying to take in what you are all saying. But here is the problem... there are some things that I told oldT and his responses were wonderful, I treasure them and some of our moments were really special and deeply intimate. He was not a totally horrible T. He helped me a lot over the years and what he said to me meant a lot. So now I have to go through telling my T all this stuff and then what? I will compare the responses. It's really unfair to my current T to have to compete with oldT because it's like competing with the ghost of the dead spouse. And if his responses are not what I want then he loses and if they are better then I lose the beautiful parts of my past therapy. New T is constantly being compared to oldT. Every move he makes is held up against what I experienced previously. And yes he is technically the better T, has more experience, is smarter and better educated but.... he still does not offer me much of that right brain connection that I had with oldT. And I don't love him. It's just not the same feeling.

AG what if you went from your T now back to your first T? How would you look at this scenario? You very much cared for your first T and had a good relationship with her but was it the same intensity as you have with your T now? Did you feel about her the way you feel about T now? Was the love the same type of love?

The way I see it my new T cannot win the comparison because he could be Freud himself and I won't have the same intense attachment as I had to oldT. I don't love him or care about him the same way. I don't feel motivated to do any of what I did in my first therapy. It's over 4 months now and it's still not there and I doubt it ever will be. I sit there and think "oh I should really tell him this or that" and I just can't. I don't want to. Nothing comes out. Mostly, I feel like it just does not matter and who cares. It's only the grief that I care about. It's only talking about old T that I want to do. I have no interest in myself any longer. And although I am much better at faking my feelings now, as opposed to 5 months ago, I just don't believe I will ever truly heal from this. I will never forget this pain and the loss and the huge yawning emptiness my life seems to be now. And I don't believe that my newT will ever know me in the way oldT did because I just have no interest in allowing him to.

Thanks for the responses.
TN

quote:

I really wonder if you are putting too much pressure on yourself right now. I think perhaps just continuing to do the work and allowing the relationship to develop might lead you places you didn't expect to go

I agree wholeheartedly with what STRM has written here, TN. I think you may be surprised a year from now when you look back and see how far you've come with newT. It takes time to develop that connection.

Oh, and I also want to say that I realize that your oldT was not all bad and of course you have some positive memories of tender moments between the two of you. It's okay to miss him, even if he hurt you. It can be confusing, but its completely natural to feel that way. And I think it is a sign of healing that you are able to look back and see the good in him despite all that happened.

quote:

AG what if you went from your T now back to your first T? How would you look at this scenario? You very much cared for your first T and had a good relationship with her but was it the same intensity as you have with your T now? Did you feel about her the way you feel about T now? Was the love the same type of love?

TN,
I take your point because although I was close with both of my Ts and felt attached to my first T, it wasn't as intense as my present T nor did we work as directly with our relationship as I did with my present T. But I also know that in many ways, the relationships were different because in so many ways my first T was my mom, and my second T was my dad. I also don't have to cope with the kind of rupture you have with my first T. So I never felt like I had to let go of the good from the first relationship when I experienced good in the second one. But even with all that, I did sometimes feel guilty about how much progress I made with my present T because it has at times made me question our work and how good it was. I eventually came to the conclusion that I could not have done the present work I did with my T if I had not first done what I did with my first T.

All that said, I am sorry if it seemed like my response dismissed the very real pain that you're in.

There's also something I would like to suggest as a possibility but feel free to throw it back at me. I am wondering if this is part of the "I'm moving closer, that's dangerous, I have to go." You have been experiencing a lot of good feelings towards your T lately, even acknowledging that you recognize you are becoming attached. I have to believe that being able to feel this has really activated your sense of danger, ESPECIALLY after what happened with OldT. When we feel that sense of danger, we start looking for reasons to move away. It may be that your sense of despair, of it being hopeless to do this work, is actually an attempt to "protect" yourself from getting closer. I'm not trying to say you're not having real feelings and real fears, just that there is also some unconscious motivations involved.

And I agree with STRM, that it may be you are just putting too much pressure on yourself right now.

((((TN)))))

AG

HI TN,

sorry to be so late to this thread. do you ever feel like there will be nothing there? sometimes I feel like that in therapy. when I let go of all the craziness, then what? how do i do therapy? my T keeps telling me this is a collaboration. i share that with you because maybe that's what I hear missing a little bit from your posts. how do you do therapy? why not ask your T for some help? why not formulate some new goals? are you where you want to be? maybe you don't have to reprocess the trauma yet, maybe that can wait until you have a deeper relationship with your t? maybe there will be issues that develop between you and new T that will help you grow? just food for thought.

quote:

Also, have you considered discussing all of this with your T? I wonder if that might be helpful.

Thanks STRM. I thought about it but what do I say to him? I don't love you I don't care about you and I don't care what you have to say to me because you are not my oldT that I miss and love and care about and you never will be? And I highly doubt he will ever hug me or hold my hand even if I'm going through the fires of hell.

I cannot find the words to tell him any of this.

TN

quote:

I am wondering if this is part of the "I'm moving closer, that's dangerous, I have to go."

I know you well enough to know this is the first place you are going to go. While this may be a small part of what I'm feeling it is not the entire picture. I will grant you that I had started to feel closer to him but now I'm angry that he is not oldT and that I don't care what he tells me or has to say even if it's absolutely brilliant because it's not coming from oldT. It's just NOT THE SAME. It does not carry the same weight. It does not penetrate, it does not feel important. It makes sense intellectually but I don't FEEL it. And maybe I just don't want to make the effort, because it IS an effort and I'm tired.

The problem right now is that I have nothing to say to him. Unless I am talking about the grief of what happened with oldT I don't have the will, the motivation, the enthusiasm, the strength to talk about all the stuff I already told oldT. And when I try to do that he asks me .... did you tell this to oldT and what did he say? I'm tired of this. I don't want to tell him what oldT said. It makes me feel like my therapy was fake and worthless and meaningless.

And I want oldT for my anchor. I wanted that so badly and I could not have it just like I could not have good parents who knew who the hell I was. I'm really angry and devastated at what has happened to me. I'm tired of going in these circles.

NewT has been very nice to me. He has been patient and kind and he listens to me talk about oldT constantly. He does not deserve to have me for a patient. There are a lot of people who would appreciate him much more than I do who would love to have a twice weekly appointment. I'm just really ungrateful. How long will he let me sit there and talk about another therapist who abandoned me and abused me and listen to me tell him how much I miss that T and how much I wish I could go back to talk to him.

I'm going to session tomorrow and I have no idea what to talk about.

TN

Hi TN,

I just want to say I get your frustration and reluctance on this. I am going through some stuff for the third or fourth time in a couple of years. Sometimes it feels ridiculous, and as Liese said I do feel empty - I don't even know what that stuff means any more.

I don't know if anything I can say would be helpful on this right now. I think you are experiencing another surge of the trauma, and I also think you won't be able to feel or believe in the connection with New T while that's going on - at least, not until you are in that room and can be straight up about your doubts and disconnection, and can feel his acceptance.

I will say this though, for me: ultimately I have to think that the past hurts are actually not the core of me. It sucks to spill all that stuff and not be able to hold on to any of the people I spilled it to. It's almost like I want it to keep hurting the same so that I can have the hurts valued, and experience care through them. But deep, deep down I'm not sure I believe that I need that hurt to be myself or to be loved. I don't need be loved through my trauma alone. The hurts change each time I tell them, and that's as it should be. Because I have to believe that in letting go of the hurt I am growing into someone who is *not* defined by hurt. If stuff still hurts, I still need to talk about it and there is new meaning to be found. Telling the same story three times over couldn't cure that hurt. Only finding a new way to understand it, telling the new story of my understanding will help. A new person if they are good can help me with that.

And if it doesn't still hurt, it's time for me to let it go and trust that I can still have closeness, intimacy, life and love without finding those things through the pain of the past. This is not as easy as it sounds - although intellectually I believe this, emotionally I struggle with it hugely. I'm not sure what if any of this will apply to your situation, or if it is helpful at all - for me this is not a 'happy' answer, just what I honestly struggle with around this. For what it's worth.

Love,
Jones

(((TN)))

I don't have any words for you but I wanted you to know you were in my heart. I will be thinking of you tomorrow when you are at your session and hope you can talk about some of your feelings.

Di

TN,

You are so freaking smart. I say that with all the love in the world because you continually blow me away. Can't you see it? This is YOUR pattern. You want what's not available. And, you're turning your nose up at what's available. You CAN have new T as your anchor. He's giving himself to you. So maybe it's not an anchor you are looking for.

I know OldT helped you process your trauma but did he help you identify your emotional patterns? Maybe that's what new T is trying to help you do. Hang in there. Don't give up yet.

And just tell me to shut up if I've crossed the line.

Only meant with all the love in the world!

((((HUGS and GOOD LUCK TODAY)))))

Liese

TN,

Hope I didn't come across as too sharp. Hope you are okay. Sometimes we need our neocortex to pull us forward when our limbic brain wants to stay where it is.

HUGS,

Liese

Hi Liese, please don't worry about being too sharp with me, it's not that at all. I've been deeply processing the session I had today with my T and things are feeling a bit wobbly right now.

The little girl part of me has been stomping her foot and yelling that she does NOT want new T she wants oldT... the kind man who sent her Teddy Bear videos and hugged her. But of course, the adult me knows how much this man damaged both of us and how hurt we are. Yes, I can have my T as my anchor... he freely offered this gift to me and I was so shocked by the similarities to what I was trying so hard to do with oldT that I could not accept it and then it ended up waking up the trauma feelings again and I have been in hell over the past few days.

And your statement about processing the trauma with oldT... he did NOT process much trauma with me and nothing was integrated. He heard me and my stories and he commiserated with me but that was it. These things were never mentioned again and it left me feeling that it was too horrible to discuss and we should avoid the subject because HE could not handle it.

I will post an update on today in a bit.

TN

Thank you all for your thoughts, ideas and kindness in helping me through this issue and this difficult time in therapy. I wanted to offer an update as to what happened in my session today with my T.

I had decided to send a letter to my oldT requesting my file through an attorney because of the no contact thing and so I updated my T on this as I promised to keep him in the loop. Then I just sat there and stared at the floor. I felt so clamped down to keep a lid on the emotions that I felt were going to explode all over the place. My T who is VERY intuitive and observant said he felt a lot of hostility in the room and asked me if it was directed at him and if he did anything to upset me. I felt so awful because I had no answer. Yes it was directed at him but no he did nothing wrong... except that he was not oldT. I could only shake my head and he said to me softly...it's okay to be mad that I'm not oldT. So then I just fell apart and told him that I missed oldT so much and just wanted to talk to him. He said he understood and it was okay to miss him. We spent some time talking about that relationship. Then I told him how I was struggling because I didn't know how to do this anymore... to do therapy... because I gave everything I had to my oldT and I had nothing left for him. He said... you gave YOU to your oldT and I agreed and then I told him but he threw me away and I don't even know what I did wrong... and I wish I could just know this so I don't do it again. He asked me ... again? like here with me? And I said yes that I was afraid he was going to leave me... to disappear too. He said we are NOT doing the same thing... we are doing this very different and that he KNOWS the hurt oldT caused me and won't let that happen again.

Then I told him about how it all feels like it's recycled and a do-over and it just does not feel the same. He asked for more info and I said... well it's like I'm giving you all oldTs old clothes to wear and he thought for a moment and then said... well maybe I'm a wonderful tailor and I wll make something new and wonderful out of them. Okay... tell me I'm an ungrateful idiot not to LOVE this man!!

He validated my fears and the conflicts inside of me about moving closer and the fear that comes with that. I know he understands that I HAVE moved closer over the past weeks and it is very scary for me. He asked me what I felt about that and I told him that something in me wants to move closer to him but that I can't do it because it feels too scary and I want to run away or make him angry so he stays away from me and I have a reason to detach. He gets that and told me he knows because he has sat in MY chair too.

He talked A LOT about my little girl and how she is the one who holds the pain and trauma and that I need to listen to her and to know her because she needs to be integrated into me so I can learn to protect myself going forward. I told him I hate her and he asked why and talked more about her pain etc. He told me he likes her a lot and he thinks I will too if I can know her ... I will find she is a very good part of me.

Again when I was crying he moved closer to me and leaned forward which I find comforting and stops the tears. He is patient and listens because he says tears tell us a lot. Today he got up though and got himself a tissue. I think it was a hard session for him too but he never flinched or moved away or made me feel like I was too much for him.

He says that I can take all the time I need to talk about oldT. He said in therapy we talk about things over and over again and that is okay as long as we keep moving he won't address it. He feels I have made progress and today he said he felt that I am showing him I'm much more comfortable in there.

It was a really hard session with some good spots. I'm still shaky and I have this very strong need to reach out to him tonight and I may send him a connection email later on. I need to be sure the things I told him were okay and that the relationship is still good between us. I'm scared that maybe I said too much and I always worry that I make him angry even though he shows NO sign at all of this and is always very understanding and accepting of my feelings.

Oh, I told him about the anchor and what he said and how it sort of triggered some past painful memories of oldT and how he rejected my anchor... how he didn't want to fulfill that role in my therapy. My T said I ask for so little and I do so much with what I'm given. I expand on the symbolism and use it to help me grow and that I don't ask for anything that shouldn't be be freely given within therapy. That my needs and requests are totally appropriate.

So that is about it. I will see him again on Thursday... thankfully because I am feeling pretty anxious.

Thanks for listening,
TN

Oh TN,

What a beautiful session. I am so proud of you for going in there, confronting your fears and sharing everything with NewT. NewT is amazing. He's unbelievable. I have a feeling that he's going to be the one to help you integrate your trauma and help you become the person you want to be. Fear is brutal, isn't it?

TN,

Wow. Can I just say how impressed I am with you? You went in there and faced your fears and even though you didn't think you knew how to tell T what you were feeling, you did and you did it well!! WTG! I would also like to say how much I love your T. He is so solid and that is great! I know you've said he's not warm and fuzzy, but from reading about your session it seems like he might be just a smidge fuzzy.

Thank you for sharing your session and your progress. You are doing the work and moving forward even if you can't see it. It is crystal clear on this end!

TN,

I adore newT. The more I hear, the more I like. He is so patient, validating, and steady. I am glad you have found your anchor in him.

Hi Liese... yeah my T is amazing and I see that more and more. It's just that sometimes the grief is so overwhelming it clouds my reason. And fear too... yeah it's really brutal at times and hard to manage.

STRM...I went in there and really didn't know what to say or how to say what I needed to but my T made is easier for me by being so attuned to me. When he asked about the hostility I figured I was doing a lousy job of hiding my feelings LOL. But it was when he said to me that it was okay to be angry at him for not being oldT I just melted. And you know... I'm getting really suspicious about his fuzziness quotient... I think he has his own style of the warm fuzzies which I am starting to feel.

LG...thanks. I did find my anchor and my light.

I did email him and told him I needed to know he weas there and that things are okay with us and that his light did not go out and was still shining.

He wrote back that we are not only okay but our relationship is stronger than ever for what we have been through and the light was shining even brighter.

Gotta love a guy like that!
TN

quote:

My T said I ask for so little and I do so much with what I'm given. I expand on the symbolism and use it to help me grow and that I don't ask for anything that shouldn't be be freely given within therapy. That my needs and requests are totally appropriate.

I love this guy, he is so utterly lovely.

((TN))

I feel for what you are going through at this time. I know you know I am experiencing an abandonment and learning how to get acclimated to new therapy with a NewT. You've helped me so much in this experience, and I have witnessed your strength through this entire thing. I wanted you to know that I believe in you, and that I know how hard this is. It hurts, and it's not fair that we had to be traumatized by people we trusted and cared for so much.

I've been reading this thread and there are so many wise words that resonate with me as well. I appreciate all of the rest of you for your support for TN AND your support for those of us who have experienced what TN has or will experience in the future. I did want to say the words you expressed to her have helped me immensely. It's made me feel less alone in this journey, and that in itself is life saving.

My heart struggles tonight to understand how a therapist could abandon a patient. How he/or she could know the damage that will be done, the trauma that will be felt and still carry through with a harmful termination.

The thing that's the hardest part is loving that Old T so much and not wanting to really let go, even when they've hurt you. AND, the poor NewT's don't stand a chance. They can never be OldT. They can't live up to it. I agree with others that it's gonna take some time to grieve and that's okay. We need to take our time to get over what has occurred to us in these traumatizing therapeutic relationships before we can delve further into what brought us into therapy initially. This week I saw NewT twice. I felt the same thing you expressed about being on repeat. I kept talking about OldT--how heartbroken I am and the thought crossed my mind---HOW LONG is this part gonna take? I don't want to tell her all the stuff I told Old T all over again. I shouldn't have to start over...and then I found myself trying to rush the relationship...trying to find the attachment.

I'm a mess right now with this situation too, and all I can really offer you is my thoughts and prayers, TN. I am here. I know the pain that's in your heart. I know the desire to just want to go back to how it was with OldT. I know it's hard letting go. I wish you the best, my dear. I hope you don't mind if I lean on you, and I hope you know that you can lean right on back for support. Together we can keep one another upright...plus we've got these amazing others around us that are supporting us and are ready to catch us if we shall fall.

Brokes

Hi Unbroken, the last post to this thread was almost a year ago! I have come so far with my current T over the past year. All I can say is that it's a slow process and each day you work together builds upon itself until one day you realize you are forming a new attachment. I'm not saying at all that you can attach with just anyone. I saw 4 other T's before I settled in with my current one. I had no connection with the others and didn't even feel a potential for the attachment to form.

When I met my T I was so grief stricken I could not "see" him at all. He would ask me to look at him because mostly I looked at the floor or over his head but it was so hard. And even when my head was in his direction he was a fuzzy blob with no features. He thought I was looking at him but I was blanking him out. This when on for months. I told him I hated his office, it was cold and not my home. I told him I was angry at him because he was not my oldT and that he had no empathy and that I would leave him in a second to go back to oldT if I could. I would basically sit there and talk about oldT and cry and cry.

And he would talk to me kindly and tell me such good things about me that he saw. I could barely hear him but over time I started to hear him and to converse with him and then after about 3 months I saw him... I actually remembered what he was wearing that day. Then one day I told him I was glad that he was not oldT and I told him I stopped calling him newT and thought of him as MY T. He was very happy to hear that and he thanked me for telling him this as it was important to him. He kept telling me that he welcomed attachment and that this was a two way relationship and he would be affected and changed by me as I was by him... not as much but it definitely happens. And he was not afraid of transference or even love developing in the relationship and he talked to me about nurturing that I was searching for.

He has taught me SO much that oldT didn't even have a clue about. And he has been consistent and steady and always there for me. He even told me he is fine that I miss him when he's on vacation because that is normal when you care about someone and he encouraged me to contact while he was on vacation.

It has been a very long, difficult year but things are slowly changing and I am becoming attached to him. I never believed it was possible. It is a different feeling than that of oldt, maybe because it's a healthier attachment. All I can say is that it takes a lot of time (I see him 2x week) and strength and perserverance and a lot of talking about what happened with oldT and how he traumatized me. My T was never impatient with hearing the same stuff over and over again. I think this is how the brain processes trauma... you need to talk about it with someone who will "be" with you and witness and validate your pain.

So hang in there and don't give up. I know some days will be horribly painful. I am happy to be of support in any way I can and I'm glad that my story and the support I received from so many kind and thoughtful members has also been able to help you (and I hope others who struggle with being terminated and losing their attachment figure).

Thinking of you
TN

TN--
Oops! I think I somehow saw this and didn't register that it's 2012 now! Lol! I'm so messed up emotionally right now that I've been making little mistakes here and there constantly.

Anyways, thank you for responding to me. Your story gives me hope. I want to respond more in depth and I will in a bit. I have to get ready for work now, and will be back later.

--Brokes