I haven't been able to see a doctor, therapist, psychologist or counselor over the years because I can't afford one after this incident, but it's psychologically impaired me the past couple years that it's caused me a great deal of problems and harm and have kept searching for years for the answer. Even as a college graduate, dealing with these symptoms and problems, I could never be able to comprehend or figure out what it is I keep trying to come and extinguish these learned problems I've been dealing with that has caused problems for me in my life, relationships and so forth. I've studied with a minor in psychology, trying to go for a masters in experimental, but haven't been able to function well because of my condition and not being able to find work and so forth. Basically, I've been in a really confusing place in my life the past couple years that I could never be able to climb out and get out of this crap hole and rut I got caught into in my life.
I found relief from a friend of mine not too long ago, who also came and dealt with the same thing with the same person who caused him to be tricked and misled, but even though nothing came and happened, I can't figure out why I felt this crazy awful experience to me was so drastic that it caused me problems the past couple years trying to go to the doctors and spending lots of money on treatments that all haven't been able to come and work and having put off school and work for a couple of years, living at home off my parents, trying to climb out and leave the broken home too. I've been completely trapped and can't figure out how to get out and be able to come and live the comfortable life I know I was always meant to live. I've been a Christian for years, but had problems with my church because of the people around me and my family, and have gotten closer to Jesus in my life, knowing someone else also came and dealt with what I did, having uncontrollable crying spells and anxiety attacks because of said incident. And ever since then, I haven't been able to reclaim the confident me who I was before I came and clearly became a complete crappy mess.
Basically, here's the story.
Around that time years ago, I was approached by someone at a store, offering me electronics at a discount price. Me having been a thrift buyer on craigslist and eBay at the time always kept looking for deals, yet, being unemployed and desperate for work, I was basically vulnerable to be completely bought into arrogantly and pridefully willing to come and concede to his deal, since I was always a pirate and importer online and stuff, so I figured what could go wrong?
Basically, I drove him around over night, giving him my number and money to help smuggle said products home, not even realizing what I was doing was foolish and stupid. Eventually, his story kept changing and never added up over time that it caused me to panic and develop anxiety attacks and depression because I didn't know what was going on or what was happening. I ended up cutting him off and left him and everything, but I got real sick, real fast. I had to drop out of classes the semester and the one after. I couldn't function. Basically, I was scared that he kept calling, because he kept pressuring me and lying to me, but I couldn't deal with it. I was scared and freaked out. Because of it, I ended up going to the hospital not too long after, having taken a caffeine pill to help me go thru the day for classes in the summer, but I couldn't function, so I had to come and drop. I was scared of vomiting and all that stuff too, because I was in shock and kept dealing with the situation that elicited this scared panic in me that I couldn't get rid of.
Basically, i got diagnosed with severe gastritis induced by strong severe anxiety and was followed by depression. I kept dealign with crying spells afterwards, that i couldn't be able to function and go on with life the next couple years. I had stomach problems that kept killing me and bothering me because of the diagnosis, as well as lost weight drastically within a few weeks. I was given medication, but it kept making my stomach worse I couldn't be able come and handle it being nauseated and it caused me to quit taking the medication and keep living and struggling with the confounding problem I couldn't get rid of.
I had a hard time going out, kept getting scared and claustrophobic at the shopping mart and kept being scared and worried I would come across the said person again. I couldn't be able to come and take care of myself and handle it, and kept dealign with the the past couple of years.
I couldn't get the money to come and see a specialist because I kept dealign with my problems because of it.
I couldn't be able to come and figure out why I was very scared and vulnerable, as well as being completely sick and kept dealign with this problem the past couple of years? I kept seeing so many doctors and stuff that I couldn't be able to climb out of it and get out of all this crap and problems in my life because of it. I was scared, trapped and kept struggling with it, no matter how hard I kept trying to climb out and get out. I was scared, stuck and have kept been dealign with it, even though it's been years ago.
And the thing is, a friend of mine dealt with it too, but he was able to climb out of it well and everything. I don't know why I was so scared and vulnerable and had to keep dealign with it, because of it. I had to keep dealign with hospital bills and have been completely trapped and helpless the past couple of years, not being able to comprehend or figure out why I kept dealign with this and can't figure out how to be able to climb out of it and get out of that crazy problems no matter how hard I kept trying. So i kept doing whatever it took for me to be cured and climb out of all those crazy problems.
I couldn't eat well but was forced to eat clean after that, became completley helpless being able to climb out and move out of the house and take care of myself and find work, dealing with anxiety and negative moods because of the issues at home and ended up getting into illicit drugs to be able to somehow come and combat the effects of what I was dealign with, because all else completely failed and never came and helped me be able to climb out and get out of that crazy hole.
So to this day, I can't figure out why I still can't be able to climb out and get out of that crap. I ruined a potential relationship between me and a special someone who claimed I tried to emotionally trap her when I came and told her about my story not to be a creep or crazy to her, and it's gotten in the way of me being able to come and live comfortably in life, move on and grow up. I've tried everything to be able to come and live comfortably, but I've never been able to climb up and out and be able to come and clear myself from all this crap and be able to get out.
I went to a counselor at school, but couldn't get the help from her and kept feeling like I was being completely antagonized by her and didn't like what she kept telling me and got completely sick and tired of dealing with her, not knowing what to do, or not even knowing well enough to come and ask a completely different therapist to come, but was too comfortable and scared to ask for someone else to come and treat me, even if they were a male, as for some reason, I had a completely difficult time dealign with people who had a rough exterior or were tough, etc. I couldn't be able to come and handle it because it was too overwhelming for me.
I had trust issues with my parents, mainstream things, corporate images and stuff like that after and had a completely hard time being able to come and function in society, being able to climb out and get out of all that crap I got caught into, hoping I'd be able to clean myself of all this crap and be able to be cleaned and healed from these psychophysical and emotional problems that have kept causing me problems and convoluting alot of problems in issues in my life that past couple of years, having done the best I can to be able to climb out of it and be able to get the help and clean healing and relief I've kept crying and praying to God for years to be able to come get rid of and clear out of my life, no matter how hard I kept struggling and trying to come and find answers to help myself find the cure to get out of all those crazy problems and be able to once again, be able to come and live a majorly and comfortable and happy life like I was once able to come used to be able to do.
So does anyone have any clue as to what alot of these crazy things and problems are and what I can be able to come do to be able to finally come and clear and extinguish these crazy symptoms that I have kept trying really hard to be able to come and extinguish and get rid of out of my life that I have kept coming to clearly see therapists to come help me get rid of them all these years because of it?
I had a hard time with my parents, because they didnt' believe in it, nor did they take my symptoms too seriously at all, even though I kept experiencing them and dealign wit them. I did the best I could to be able to climb out and get out of them. And no matter how hard I kept trying, I couldn't, and it didn't take up until earlier this year, when I kept dealing with said problems, that I attacked my mom because she kept screaming and yelling at me to get off the floor because I was dealing with lots of pressure because of bills I can't pay because i can't find work that I got sectioned and had to keep staying in the place for over 3 weeks and had to keep dealign with even more bills beacaues of the said incident I kept dealign with 8 years ago. which is why, i can't figure out what's going on and why i can't figure out why things are crazy and the way they are and what I can do to be comeptley set free from it all and get out of this crazy crap and mess I unfortunately got caught in.
What expectations should I have in being able to come and have the therapist be able to come and help clear and extinguish these problems and emotions out of my life? Am I expecting too much in being able to come seek and gain relief by coming to come and see said professionals, in hopes that it can finally come and go away by some crazy exercise or some kind of tool to be able to come and clear out all these crazy repressed and bottled emotions that continue to cause me pain and struggle the past couple many years?
Please come help me to clear this out so that I can finally be able to climb out of this crazy crap and be able to come and take my life back once again that has kept and robbed me these past 8 years that I have worked really hard to keep looking to get rid of.
Had I known there were counseling forums like these years ago, I would've definitely come and made an effort to come here and seek immediate help and advice as soon as I was cognizant and knew better of all these cool things years ago.
Thanks alot. Please pray that I can finally receive the healing, comforting and whatever else it takes to finally be able to clearly become completely released and set free from all these problems I've been dealing with. Thanks.