The first 10 days i felt intense bewilderment; shock, and a sense that every her return would do nothing to repair the hurt.
Last half of last week I felt I was 'getting used' to her being gone. I've even had a few quite good days - even looking forward to the future, making plans for the upcoming summer.
Yesterday I saw my pdoc and I really was in the best mood state she'd seen me in.
But since last night, my mood has dropped and is now really really low (suicidal ideation and hopelessness). I don't know if anyone else finds this, but for me, it's harder to cope with feeling really good only to then have my mood drop super low. It's actually EASIER to feel awful more of the time - feeling really good, positive, happy, motivated, looking forward to the future only to drop so low - that is what feels unbearable
I'm thinking of emailing my T.
When she announced her 5 week holiday plans she said I can email her when she's away, to keep the connection. I was amazed and felt so incredulous that she would offer that - I'd never had a T who KNEW, as in really really KNEW, how their absence can have such a huge emotional impact on me. It was incredibly validating.
All along I thought I'd wait to email her as long as I could. I didn't want to email her constantly - she is on HOLIDAY after all.
I don't know what to do - part of me really wants to just email her today, to say how I feel - but the other part of me is fining is so incredibly difficult to DO that - I feel so guilty and ashamed - Why can't I just let the poor woman have a decent holiday and BREAK from work - and form ME .
(Yes - a lot of shame and feeling very strongly she needs a break from ME, given I am so damn awful and hard work )
If I do email her - how can I be honest as to how I'm feeling?
Isn't it SELFISH of me to interrupt her holiday with how crap IM feeling?
Isn't it a HUGE risk, reaching out to her when she's in holiday mode - can I trust her reply will be at all sincere, with I her mind so far away from work???
I'm fishing the last few days are going So slowly - it's like time is slowing down and even though I'm officially 1 day past 'halfway' til she gets back, it feels forever
What do I do?
If others have contacted their Ts using their time off / holidays, how do you manage the guilt? Don't you worry how "selfish" it is to "interrupt" their holiday?
And how was getting a response? I'm really worried it will make me miss her more - and / or want to email her more..... And more...
Some support and advice much appreciated ...