Hi Scattered,

It's nice to meet you. I don't have too much advice but can totally relate to the pain and confusion that therpay can bring. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your T. How often do you go? Can you be honest with her and tell her that you think it's too much for you to cut out the emails right now, that you think of SU and SI often and maybe that you appear stronger than you really are? Or maybe if everyday is too much, maybe every other day?

She needs to know how much you are suffering. I have tended to suffer at home a lot and not tell my T's what is going on. It's taken me a lot of practice and vigilence to be able to go back in and say, "I'm having a really hard time with this." But it really helps the T and it really helps me. She sounds really nice and I'm sure that she would want to do the right thing by you.

((((((SCATTERED)))))

Liese

Hi Liese

Thank you so much for your reply.

I go to therapy once a week, she refuses to see me more than that, as she feels that it will be too much for me cope with.

She knows about all my SI and SU thoughts, but ignores them as they she won't comment on bad behaviour, which I understand. I have been very open and honest with her this past year, as I have had all this bottled up for so long, that the lid just literally blew off. She is really caring and gives me a hug after therapy - sometimes I don't want to let go. This week I asked her to sit next to me the last five minutes and she did, she put her arms around me and just held me. I felt like a five year old - I tried to hold on to that feeling I had, that she replaced every tear of mine with warmth, but its hard. The emails I can at least read over and over, where as the sessions feel 'lost' afterwards. She knows how I feel about the emails, I replied to her email and told her that I understand, but I feel rejected in a way, but would really try hard not to suck as a patient. I don't want to disapoint her. She has been very patient with me and I have got angry at her for bumping into a boundry or feel that my needs weren't met by her, and she just took it and said she understands, but this time she didn't comment. Maybe she doesn't need to, because I know what she would say.

Maybe if I wasn't going through such a bad time, it would be easier- I just really need somebody! This forum has helped in a way, letting me feel that I am not alone, as I resonate so much with most of everybodies posts - like I could have written them myself. I just haven't received much replies on my posts, but I suppose it's because I'm new. It's scary to post and makes me nervous, like I might say the wrong thing. I don't know why I always apologize for everything, even want to apologize for breathing.

(((SCATTERED)))

Hi again. It's very hard to post and not get a lot of replies. You didn't do or say anything wrong. This is the first time I've seen you post but I don't read things very carefully. Keep trying to reach out as much as you feel comfortable doing so.

As for you T, she really sounds very nice. The only problem I'm having now are the frequency of your sessions and the email thing. Going twice a week was a struggle for my T and I also. I needed to see him twice a week. And since we have everything straightened out, I'm functioning so much better. He sees the difference. I see the difference.

My T only saw people a second time for crisis and emergencies. But sometimes we just need the additional emotional support. My life is hard and I needed that additional support. I gave my T some articles on CPTSD and dependency and he changed his thinking about it all.

Maybe it depends upon the T's orientation as to whether or not they believe in only one or two sessions a week but it sounds like a topic you might want to bring up with her.

I downloaded this book on the treatment of borderlines by this "expert" and the book said, "these people will want to come more than once a week but you can't let them." I was so disgusted with that and mad at myself for spending the money on the book.

Then there is another "expert", Jeffrey Young, who recommends that borderlines go twice a week for three years. He's a CBT, btw.

So, I don't think any of these people really know what they are talking about. A lot of them think dependency is a bad thing and are trained to keep an eye out for it. But I really think it should come down to what your needs and what YOU need and what's right for you.

Can you try to talk to her more about why you need to see her more often? Maybe try to get to her feelings about dependency? Try to find out what it is that is bothering her? If it is the dependency, I can tell you where to find the articles and that might help persuade her a little.

It just sounds to me like you are so sad and really need the extra support right now. I'm sorry it's all so hard for you. I understand how bad it feels.

Keep talking and if you want to PM me, please feel free to do that.

((((HUGS))))

Liese

Hi Scattered,

Sorry you are feeling so lost. I have similar issues to yours. My T does a lot of emotion regulation therapy with me as I too have SU/SI stuff going on. She also teaches me mindfulness - both to regulate myself and to stay present - when things get too emotional when I am not with her but also when I am in session and i dissociate. It is a long process. She also reminds me who my caring resources are - I regard this group as one of my best resources. Sometimes when I have insomnia - this group keeps me going thru the night!!! I also email a few close friends who know my stuff and I have one close friend IRL who I can talk to about most of my stuff. I am allowed to email T - but she only ever replies once a week - that is usually a few days after my session - that is the peak of my craziness!! If I need to hear from her , I can text her and she will reply that day and if I really needed her she would call me and speak to me.

We agreed on a set format of contact - she is there if I need her, but i have to also find my own way of supporting myself also.

I also do a lot of reading about therapy and my issues , a lot of writing - usually via emails to T and I am trying to do a lot of caring things for myself.

I can't say it has 'cured' me of my negative coping devices - but it is helping.

Keep writing here, PM people you connect with here and keep in contact. I can't tell you how important it is. I am happy to support you via PM if you want.

SD

Thank you so much for your replies. You are all so great! I hope that you guys too find comfort for all your hurt and pain.

((((Liese))))
I would love to read some of the articles that you are talking about. I haven't had the courage to speak to my T about why she refuses a second session. I feel bad for being so needy. She does encourage self care (a lot). I have spoken to her about dependancy a bit and she encourages it and told me that she would never let anything unethical happen and that it was her job to keep the boundaries in place. If my needing her wasn't helpful, she wouldn't encourage it. She also said that if I wasn't so needy the therapy wouldn't work. She is a doctor and has many years of experience, so I trust that she knows what she is doing.

Maybe I need to trust myself more. I would love more support from her, I will try and be bold and ask her opinion about it. You all know so much, I feel rather stupid about everything.

I will defn take you up on your PM offer, Thank you.

((((Somedays))))
I also do a lot of reading (or try too) and writing, but other than that, really struggle with the self care thing. It just seems wrong. It's always been about other people's needs, never my own and I always do what makes them happy, so caring for myself just doesn't exist. My T is always talking about self care. She is not a fan of reading about therapy issues as well as the forum, so I don't really talk about it to her.
She has been so great with being supportive as she possible can (when time allows her) and she keeps saying that she enjoys her work with me - which I find hard to believe. I'm always asking her why she cares, because nobody ever has and it's just really hard to accept it. It's like I'm waiting to fail her or that she turns out to be like everybody else..

Thank you for your offer of support via PM- will take you up on that one.


hugs

((((SCATTERED))))

Check out the Science of Psychology Related Discussion section. The third topic down is a thread started by TN called, Interesting Article on Dependency. I think that's the article I was referring to.

Your T really does sound wonderful but it does sound like you are going to have to stand up for yourself here and tell her that you are not ready for the changes in the email she is proposing and/or that maybe if you had a second session, you wouldn't need to email so much.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Liese